Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Syrie: The Know-It-All Cyberbitch

           When I was a little nugget, my Mother told me that one day cars would fly. As a young child I felt confused because I thought that flying cars had already been invented; they were called airplanes. "Scientists already have the technology, they just haven't built the roads in the sky yet" my Mother explained. This begs the question, "If there are roads, then how is it considering flying?". Sometimes I wish I were a dumb person with no imagination. Life would be much less confusing. After twenty-five years of being alive including a childhood filled with perplexity and an adult life filled with Smirnoff, vehicles are still very much on the ground. They have yet to levitate. Although this invention has not taken flight, there have been some very bizarre and disturbing inventions in the technological revolution that have been cause for great concern. I seriously believe that many of these new discoveries like Facebook, text messaging, and KeSha are symbols of a cultural and intellectual death in this world. Let me describe the latest technological advancement that is destroying minds across the universe.

            This most recent pervayor of ineptitude comes in the form of a person. We all know her well. She is the bitch who lives inside of the iPhone, her name is Syrie. Clearly the inventors over at Apple had not seen the movie iRobot when first conceptualizing this space queen. Anyone who is familiar with Children of the Corn knows that aliens cannot be trusted, even those that are created in a warehouse in California. For those of you who do not know, Syrie is a woman who has been implanted into the latest incarnation of the iPhone. She literally knows everything. You can actually have a conversation with her. You can ask Syrie any question you can think of and she will provide you with the answer. 'What is the square root of 81?", "What was the latest bill passed by U.S. Congress?", "Which Kardashian donated the most money to the NAACP?". You may not know the answer to any of these questions but Syrie does. She can give you directions to places literally anywhere around the world one street and turn signal at a time. She has a bevvy of endless information in endless categories such as history, mathematics, and government. And I have a SERIOUS problem with all of this! First of all, I am not sure if this constitutes me as an ego-maniac, but I am of the belief that my cell phone should NOT know more than me. It is embarrassing to think that some cunt named Syrie who was sold to me at a discounted rate from Radio Shack has a Harvard degree and is constantly shoving it in my face! My theory is  that the more my phone knows, the less I do! This experiment has been tested before. Just take a moment to think  about your five closest friends. The top five people in your life that you talk to the most and are closest with. Can you list their phone numbers without looking it up on your phone? Of course you can't! And neither can I. What's the point of remembering people's phone number's anymore when your phone itself does it for you? And that's just a conversation about phone numbers! Now that my phone knows the names of every sitting president, the nutritional benefits of asparagus, and my social security number, why should I? Just get ready for a DUMBER America!

             My larger concern is, what is Syrie going to do once she has sucked all of the information out of my brain? It may seem ridiculous to you that Syrie would have some sort of ulterior motive other than my personal convenience but the fact of the matter is that Syrie isn't just a library filled with information. She has a human personality. And she is a total cunt by the way. If you ask Syrie, "How old are you?", she will respond with "I don't see why that's important". At the very least, Syrie has taught me some very good one liners I can utilize should I ever become married. If my partner asks me, "Why didn't you take out the trash?", my response will simply be "I don't see why that's important." Or perhaps by the time I finally get married my response will be, "Why don't you ask Syrie to do it?". Although, it seems not plausible for Syrie to engage in manual labor. Bitches usually don't like lifting things. My favorite interaction with Syrie was described to me by a friend. She said to her phone, "Syrie, what time is it?" to which Syrie responded, "Gee it's awfully late, shouldn't you be in bed?". Great. Not only is Syrie a cunty know-it-all but she is judgemental as well. If I needed stones cast at me for my bad choices in life I would just live with my Mother. But instead you can pay the bargain price of a hundred dollars plus every month to be tormented and scrutinized by the electronic female version of Frankenstein.

             From the previous "larger concern" I now move on to my biggest concern! What is this ho going to do next? It is popular belief that Syrie is controlled by those who made her. The idea is that Syrie has set responses to all of these questions that are interchangeable and random which would give the impression that Syrie is just a brilliant man-made creation that is beholden to less than human intelligence. And I am officially calling bullshit! Sure, at this point she seems harmless. So did cigarettes, Britney Spears, and crotchless panties at first glance. But as time goes on these things slowly came into their true evil. I imagine that Syrie will be no different. For all we know, Syrie could have within her cyber-brain a program that kicks in after so many years where she slowly begins to plant ideas in your mind. Maybe it's already started! In the evening while your iPhone is charging, Syrie could be telling you to engage in evil activiites like eating carbohydrates, joining a terrorist group, and listening to country music! This very well could be the destruction of America being taken over by a woman with electricity powered breasts. (It wouldn't be the first time. Remember Dolly Parton?)

               When I was ten years old, my fifth grade teacher guided my class of thirty students to a newly renovated room in my elementary school. It was explained to us that we were inside what was called "the computer lab". This room had about fifteen computers that we could go on to practice and study a new found technology that none of us had heard of. There are very vivid images in my mind of me fiercely striking away at that keyboard with one finger. Although I wasn't aware at the time what technology would evolve into, I did feel a surge of power and control that I cannot explain. I was thrust into an electronic imagination by way of the internet (which at the time I am pretty sure was solar powered). I had no idea that some fifteen years later that technology would transform from an IBM computer the size of a walrus to a skinny bitch named Syrie who I have come to the conclusion is a member of Al Qaeda. Say goodbye to Osama Bin Laden and say hello to the new leader of mass destruction and poisonous hate filled murder. Her name is Syrie - A Metal Bitch with a Dream.


No comments:

Post a Comment