Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Whistle While You Twerk

              With the ever increasing use of social media websites such as Faceplace, Instatwat, MyBook, and Twat-face, the understanding and appreciation of the English language has been on a continuous downward spiral since the commencement of the new millennium. Spelling has become atrocious bordering offensive, and punctuation is a mere fiction of the past. So it has come as no surprise that "twerk" has now been officially added to the dictionary. I suppose that even the dictionary, our reference for what is supposed to be grammatically correct English, should appropriately reflect the verbiage of our current derelict culture. Although I have many strives with several words and phrases coming directly from the common vernacular of this generation including "Bootylicious", "doohiki", and "mankini" which are all words that have been added to the lexicon of Miriam Webster, I have a particular issue with the recent addition of the aforementioned "twerk". More specifically, I am concerned about the way in which this word has gained cultural relevance. For those of you whom are not aware from where this word derives, please allow me to give you the backstory.

            Megan Levy, a news reporter for the Sydney Morning Herald, says "Twerking (or twerkin) is a dance move that involves a person, usually a woman, shaking her hips in an up-and-down bouncing motion, causing the dancer to shake, wobble, and jiggle". Twerking came about in the early '90s in New Orleans in conjuction with the bounce music scene. This dance was further popularized by strippers in Atlanta and Houston during the past two decades. Glennisha Morgan of the Huffington Post and  Norimitsu Orishi of the New York Post also draw striking comparisons between twerking and traditional African dances such as Mapouka from West Africa which has been banned from television on the Ivory Coast. So you can see that this idea of twerking is deeply embedded within the vast context of the African-American experience. This is important to point out because despite the prevalence of twerking in the Black community, a form of dance that is commonly recognized and understood, it wasn't until the 20-year-old anorexic Caucasian offspring of an illiterate country music star gave an abysmal rendition of this dance move at this year's Video Music Awards that now all of a sudden every news anchor in America has had the word "twerk" added to his or her teleprompter.

             It all started this past Monday night when this ivory-skinned crackwhore took the stage at the VMA's much to the disappointment to those of us who are fans of music. Miss Cyrus emerged from a gigantic teddy bear symbolizing her childhood or perhaps a future dabbling into bestiality (only time will tell). As Miley leaned against the now opened mouth of the furry friend, her tongue was dangling out of her filthy mouth like a golden retriever with Down syndrome. Not to be outdone, her "hair" (if you can call it that) appeared to be the result of a love affair between a lesbian seagull and a chainsaw. Her outfit (or lack thereof) can only be described as a strapless abomination; a leotard of sorts so tight it looked like an incubator for a yeast infection complete with pink circles on the breasts (or in the case of Miley, in the place where breasts would have been), and a teddy bear on the stomach. Upon seeing this I immediately scheduled myself for a vaccination. She somehow managed to make her way down the stairs without her labia popping out, I assume by the grace of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. She pranced her way onto the stage surrounded by a slew of Black women with giant bear heads attached to their necks or as perhaps Miley would describe them, "a group of her closest friends that in no way were casted to depict a collection of pre-Civil War minstrel performers". Miley even approached one of these women with a very well endowed posterior and proceeded to bend her over and spank her like a slave in "Django". Putting these pleasant slave references aside I would like to draw attention to the twerking itself. The first instance when she attempted to shake what I understand legally to be her ass (although I would like further investigation to confirm that the sagging flapjacks drooping above her hamstrings actually constitute a derriere) she was alone, and thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph for that. She gingerly placed her hands on the floor in front of her and began maneuvering her hips back and forth. I suppose this was meant to intice, disturb or simply cause an epidemic of reactionary vomiting as a plight against childhood obesity. No quicker way to lose weight than to engage in bolemia induced by watching nauseating images such as that of a piece of white trash twerking in a unitard. Sadly the devastating events to follow became increasingly disturbing with each hip thrust. The second attempt of twerking occurred with company this time, Robin Thicke, 16 years her senior, was standing directly behind Miley's booty (or where a booty would be on a person who actually had one). This image is particularly disturbing because of the implicit suggestion of pedophilia. Here you have a man who has recently been accused of perpetuating the condoning of "no means yes" in his creepy smash single "Blurred Lines" pressing his pelvis against the backside of a retarded hillbilly. I'm not suggesting that both parties weren't complicit, I'm simply pointing out that two prominent pop stars (who at one point had the exact same haircut) should perhaps think twice before engaging in lascivious behavior at an awards show largely watched by an audience who has never seen a rotary phone, a typewriter, or Cher's original face. I failed to mention that at the point when Miley met Mr. Thicke dressed in an appropriately designed outfit (a black and white striped suit reminiscent of the color pattern of a prison inmate serving time for statutory rape), had stripped off her kiddy-porn derived costume to reveal an even more scantily clad (if that was possible) Miley Cyrus in a nude bra and pantie set. The belligerent buffoonery continued with Miley also donning a number one foam finger when she gingerly penetrated the air in front of her vagina with said finger. Obviously Miley Cyrus is taking a page from the "Kim Kardashian Guide to Tasteful Behavior", now out in paperback. The remainder of the performance included the appearance of a rapper no one had heard of and continued gyrating from an attention seeking product of Billy Ray Cyrus and a promiscuous but undeniably attractive goat. In keeping with the theme of Miley Cyrus's hit song which she performed at the VMA's entitled "We Can't Stop", I must say to Miley, perhaps you should! At least before you get chlamydia.

          As much I condemn, ridicule, and make of fun the hideously distasteful behavior of a barely of-age pop star, I can't emphasize enough that she in no way is the problem facing the youth of America. It truly is up to the parents at least to establish what is deemed permissible and acceptable within the walls of their own home. Surely any child who isn't blind, deaf, and mute (in that order) will be exposed at some point to the many atrocities demonstrated by the so-called role models of our tweens and teenagers. But it can't be pointed out enough that at least the idea that unacceptable behavior being defined in the home at least provides some sense of delineation between what is appropriate and what is outright destructive behavior. I have much sympathy for parents these days but I must say if you throw a computer, an iPhone, or an iPad (or any combination of these) at your kid without restrictions, than YOU are the one who is responsible for the demise of today's generation. You can bitch all you want about the young people of today or the pitiful examples that are put out by the record producers, the media, and Ryan Seacrest. But the truth is, the people who are to blame for shameless activities of the children of this country are and always will be the parents. This gold star promotional mentality that is dumped on children is giving them a false sense of reality thinking that they are so special that the world will fall at their feet. The acceptance of trash, reached easily by technology, encourages the idea that bad behavior is perfectly acceptable and in fact rewarded with extended television series and a perfume line. So the next time you're at Best Buy looking at the latest technological device that will give your child unlimited access to pornography, videos of the homeless being assaulted, and step by step instructions on how to forge a passable driver's license to buy alcohol, perhaps you should consider that your four hundred ninety nine dollars and ninety nine cents plus warranty might be better spent on a bicycle they could ride to and from school, a pet they must take responsibility for, or even food certification so they can get a job and earn their own money. These examples would truly be beautiful investments not only in your child's future but for the prognosis of the nation. I almost included dictionary in that list of investments but with the addition of the word "twerk", I must discontinue my endorsement of the great book of Miriam Webster. Twerk on white trash. Twerk on!


1 comment:

  1. Perfectly written. As a dance teacher who works with 70 kids a year, I buoy cot certain artists as I believe their lyrics to be inappropriate and confusing for kids. As they yelp along thinking what is being glorified in these songs by these inexperienced 20 year olds is how they will spend their next 3 years. Frightening!