Sunday, March 6, 2011

The People of Wal-Mart

          This past summer I paid a visit to my Sister Barbie and her husband who bears a striking resemblance to Charlie Sheen. Barbie and Charlie live up in the Great North of Canada. Okay, so they don't exactly live in the North Pole with Sarah Palin, but anytime I have to be on a bus for 7 hours from Vancouver, I feel like I'm getting a little closer to Santa. Barbie has changed a lot since we were kids, I suppose we both have; that's what getting older does to you, along with extended bowel movements. My memories of Barbie are filled with images of her living as Hilary Duff. She was always an incredibly social, outgoing, and beautiful girl. I'm not saying that any of those things have changed but I certainly never imagined that the same girl would grow up to be married with a daughter complete with her own vegetable garden that she planted at her own will! It's amazing to realize what people are truly capable of. Barbie had a series of vegetables growing at the time I visited her, including over-sized cucumbers. I'm not exactly sure what she used to plant them but apparently they outgrew her backyard. So anytime anyone asks me how Barbie is doing,  I just simply reply "Her cucumbers are enormous!". She made the most delicious nachos using all the fresh vegetables from her garden. It was absolutely amazing. But just as I was beginning to think that Hilary Duff had turned into Martha Stewart, I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw something that completely contradicted the Sara Lee qualities of my Sister. Amidst several trinkets on top of her cabinets, sat a delicious 750ml bottle of Patrón. "Oh my God! Maybe you're Black too?" was my first thought. I'm not saying that the Caucasians don't drink the tequila. They certainly can't get enough when they go to Mexico. But we're not talking about José Cuervo. We're talking about the kind of tequila that Flava Flav takes shots of when his 17 Baby Mommas have the kids on the weekend. I just thought it was a very bold choice for Barbie and Charlie. For the record, we did not sip on the Patrón. We drank several glasses of red wine whilst enjoying the freshly baked nachos complete with newly picked vegetables. I had several awakenings on my short visit to my Sister's  house. Not only did I find out that she had her own vegetable garden and drank Patrón but I also was introduced to a new little slice of heaven that has brought me joy since the day that I was introduced to it. Barbie and Charlie sat me down at their computer and showed me a little website called "People of Wal-Mart". This is the most delicious website I have ever seen in my life. Should you ever pay a visit, make sure that you have your box of tissues ready on account of the inevitable laughter followed by the inevitable crying. I'll leave the website to speak for itself but I must give you a small preview of some of my personal favorites.

 I'll start from the top and then work my way down. Let's begin with the hair. My first question is how? How does one's hair come to be so large? The women of Texas have some sort of special formula to create this look or perhaps its genetic. Her weave is a shoplifters dream! As we work our way down we come across a disaster known as blue eyeshadow which is made even more atrocious by being paired with a crushed velvet top that matches said hideous eyeshadow. Lastly, we can talk about the red circles painted on her cheeks that is perpetrating as blush which again is smartly matched to the lipstick she's wearing. She really puts the "red" in redneck.

When I first saw this, I thought this was a European woman at a topless beach. Upon closer inspection, I found out I was mistaken.

 This really brings me a lot of joy for a plethora of reasons. Firstly, this man appears to have a left breast. I think it's a little contradictory to proclaim your disgust for gay people when you are clearly a transsexual. Secondly it also appears he is in some sort of motorized wheelchair contraption offered by the store to make shopping easier. Apparently this country is undergoing a serious mobility problem when ignorant backwards-thinking rednecks can't even carry their own groceries and walk at the same time.

In the fashion world, it is important to be bold. However, I think it is also important when making fashion choices to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Will this frighten children?". (I'm sure if this photograph were a wider shot, you would see toddlers running in the other direction.)

 Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night sweating profusely, wondering where you are and feeling completely nauseated? If you haven't, you can now say you can relate completely to that experience.

 White people are always stealing from African-American culture.

I'm trying to understand exactly what's going on here. If I were walking in Wal-Mart and strolled upon this monstrosity I would have a difficult time deciding whether or not I should call the ambulance for help or instead stop and take pictures. Clearly we know that in this case, the bystander chose the latter.

          Photographs like these make you question what is happening with the world? I suppose more specifically, what's happening with America? The truth is, these photos represent only a small percentage of the crazy people of this country who just happened to be photographed at the right moment. Can you imagine the types of people who are REALLY out there?! It gets much worse than this! Trust me. However, I always feel comfort in the idea that God clearly has an amazing sense of humor. I like to think of these pictures as a gift from baby Jesus, sent to entertain me in hilarity. Thank you Mr. Christ for filling my life with joy and bad weaves! So let's all take a moment to be thankful for the hillbillies of the world. Without whom, we may never feel good about ourselves.


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