Saturday, January 21, 2012

Cookie Tossing

          Margaritas can be a very dangerous thing. Especially when consumed by the Black equivalent of a pre-pubescent Lindsay Lohan. During my most recent trip to New York City, I found myself enamoured by a slightly absent-minded, light weight drinker by the name of Phoebe (after the ditsy White girl from "Friends"). She happens to be the sister of Evangeline (the naked vegetable stealer). At first it seemed unimaginable that there could possibly be anyone more Barbie like than she, but it turns out that her sister is truly giving Evangeline a run for her money.

           I first met Phoebe at her sister's apartment last year along with Evangeline's roommate Shoniqua. I was quite perplexed by Phoebe's incessant need to bite her nails and open her eyes wider than the Red Sea after Moses parted that shit. She clunked around aimlessly in her blue wedge heels constantly bumping into things all the while looking as though someone was asking her to find the cure for AIDS or split an atom. The simplest of questions seemed to confuse her as well as throw her into a tantrum of making squeaky noises like some sort of gerbil. It turns out however that she is smarter than she looks. She is studying film at the New School in New York City which would indicate that she has the brain capacity larger than a Powerpuff Girl. During this first meeting she recanted a story of when had stolen a friend of a friend's marijuana stash after searching through said friend's things without permission. Afterward, she apparently bragged to this friend of a friend about finding her stash. At this moment, alarms began ringing in my head. Who does that? What matters worse was the fact that at the time she wasn't even a serious drinker. This meant that she couldn't be like Jamie Foxx and blame it on the alcohol. The only reason behind Phoebe's erratic behaviour was some sort of mental disorder.

         Things took a turn for the worst on my recent trip to New York last week. I was there on business with the whole gang: Shoniqua, Evangeline, Caramel Barbie, Earth Mother, Pilar, B More, Tuscaloosa, Naomi, Daddy Long Legs, Young Diva, Charlie Brown, Queen Jemima, and Banana Tree. One evening the majority of us went out to this Mexican restaurant called El Centro. Of course Pilar was in heaven on account of being amongst all of her distant relatives who long jumped across the Mexican/American border in hopes of becoming a highly successfully maid at a hotel in New York City. After several beverages, I had engaged in a conversation with Evangeline's beset friend. Her name is Reverse-Oreo because she is White on the outside and Black on the inside. She is very similar to Shoniqua in that regard. In fact, they are both from Michigan to make the coincidence even creepier. While talking to Reverse-Oreo, out of nowhere Phoebe staggered her way into the middle of the conversation. I failed to mention that she is a vertically challenged individual. She is not quite short enough to technically be a midget but I am pretty sure she could get away with parking in the handicap spot at WAL-MART. I don't like it when little nuggets move quickly. This makes me feel very uneasy because short people are difficult to keep track of on account of them being so stealthy. As she maneuvered her way in and out of the conversation barely being able to stand on two legs, I began to wonder what the Christ was wrong with this ho. I kept going back and forth as to whether or not something truly was wrong with her. My suspicion was confirmed when the following phrase came out of her mouth: "I wanna be a grown up like you guys! WHY CAN'T I BE A GROWN UP?" This is what is referred to on the show Intervention as "rock bottom".

          I got myself out of El Centro as fast as I could! There is no way I was going to have to deal with the Black Lindsay Lohan for any amount of time. I journeyed my way back to the hotel to take a quick nap after preparing myself a beverage using the cheapest vodka available. After some time, I ventured toward Shoniqua's room after receiving a text message to come join her for some delicious Maker's Mark which certainly kicked my dollar store vodka's ASS! It turned out that of one of her good friends was there named Balls. I have known Balls for quite some time as well. We met through Shoniqua in Toronto in 2007 and after several exchanges of clothing, copious amounts of drunken nights, and several spars about Canadian visa issues, we have also become at the very least "chum-like". I was of course delighted to see him. When I walked into Shoniqua's hotel room, Balls was twisting Evangeline's hair. Balls parents are from Jamaica which explains his natural ability to braid naps and fold linens. I placed my Brown tukkus upon Shoniqua's bed, poured myself a libation, and enjoyed the company. I had assumed that Phoebe had left to her dorm a long time ago, in fact immediately after El Centro considering the state she was in. Evangeline informed me otherwise. Here is Evangeline's recount of the events that followed after I had left the Mexican restaurant.

        Supposedly Phoebe had two margaritas at the restaurant in a short amount of time. Most of the party had consumed the same amount but Phoebe was the only person there too short to ride the Tilt-A-Whirl. I have nothing against short people but I have learned from my Mother (Princess Toadstool) that you really have to keep a firm hand when it comes to midget-drinking. Those little nuggets will get fucked up before you know it leaving them too impaired to chase after. Evangeline informed me that her sister Phoebe, upon leaving the restaurant, decided to escort Evangeline back to the hotel room to socialize with the group. Before anyone knew what was happening, Phoebe's face was married to Evangeline's toilet like a Kardashian after a night of boozing in Los Angeles. However similar to Kardashian marriage, Phoebe's face did not remain committed to the toilet seat for long. Apparently no vomiting occurred in the toilet, or at least by the time Evangeline had come in to check on her sister. Evangeline, after checking up on Phoebe in the bathroom left for nearly a moment (probably to investigate the best available spot in New York to steal some fresh kale). Upon return, Evangeline had made a remarkable and unfortunate discovery. Evangeline walked in the bathroom only to find her sister Phoebe nearly passed out in the bathroom with only a bathtub decorated with margarita vomit to comfort her. Apparently the stench greeted Evangeline's nose before the abhorred sight was imposed on her vision. Evangeline's feelings, I imagine, were that of bewilderment, disgust, and confusion.

           In the face of adversity, one is truly tested as to their true strength and determination as a human being. Evangeline demonstrated this idea to its fullest when faced with a passed out family member and a tub full of throw up. I pat myself on the back for my imagination and creativity but I have to admit that Evangeline has far surpassed me in the story telling department. This ho called the front desk and said (in the most Mariah Carey-like voice possible I am sure), "Um....Someone had REALLY bad food poisoning in my hotel room and got sick in the bathroom. We're really going to need to have someone to come up IMMEDIATELY and clean it up.". May I just say, that I hope that I am able to one day have as much courage and chutzpah that Evangeline demonstrated in that moment. The amount of audacity that this girl has is unprecedented. I would have  been shitting my pants the whole time if I had made up some bullshit like that but Evangeline stuck to her guns and did exactly what she needed to to solve her problem. I, for one, love it! So, someone from the building came up to look at the "situation" and was horribly appalled. He could not believe what he was witnessing. Supposedly, Evangeline had stashed away her sister Phoebe in the adjacent room so that the culprit would not be discovered! The man left very quickly in astonishment. He clearly needed back up. Afterward, they had sent someone in addition (I'm assuming from the municipal sanitation department of Manhattan) to properly address the situation. I am unclear as to exactly how the tub was unclogged but all I know is that the tub was cleaned with the exception of Shoniqua's loofah. Evangeline had to throw it out on account of her sister having vomited all over it. Shoniqua, after becoming abreast of the situation, said to Phoebe sarcastically "Do you want another drink?". "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" responded Phoebe, after having already lost 15 pounds of her innards into her sister's bathroom. Courtney Love has nothing on this bitch. Phoebe was sent home (in a cab which was insisted upon by Evangeline).

             So now remains the question. Why the bathtub? Now, I am no one to judge. I drink more alcohol than an Irish police officer on an off-night. But what I can remember about the worst of my drunken endeavours has been throwing up into a TOILET. I must emphasize that it was an amazing experience for me as a young adult to vomit incessantly after drinking because I needed not have guilt about the entire 20" pizza I had consumed by myself from Domino's prior to the drinking. So it perplexes me so intensely as to why someone would even considering tossing their cookies into a family member's bathtub. It's not as though she was left alone to her own devices, inebriated in some unfamiliar bathroom with the lights off. In fact, she had been strategically placed over the toilet so that the vomit would end up right in the bowl. This ho made the conscious choice to remove herself from said toilet and into the tub. Did she need more space? Was the toilet so clean at the time that she didn't want to ruin it? Was the color of Shoniqua's loofah so putrid that it made her puke all over it? So many questions and yet no answers. However, I do have one interesting piece of information for you. Supposedly this was not the first time!

           Evangeline informed me that Phoebe confessed over Christmas break that she had for no reason taken six shots of tequila ALONE IN HER BEDROOM only to find herself afterwards crying naked in the bathtub. Okay, now we're dealing with some serious Intervention bullshit. No normal human being acts this way. Coming from a professional committed drinker, I surely know when someone as inexperienced as she has crossed the line. Certainly, I enjoy the pre-cocktail at home before going out. But never would I voluntarily take shots of tequila with the intention of staying home alone watching Homeward Bound. Drinking should be fun (that's why I do it). If you find yourself crying immediately after consuming alcohol, maybe you need to take up a different hobby like petty theft or masturbation. I truly don't know what is going with the Evangeline family but clearly there needs to be some sort of breakthrough happening for Phoebe's sake. And may I say to you Phoebe. Reach out to me ho! If you need someone to teach you how to drink properly, I'm your bitch! So grab your glass, get on a plane, and let's do some shots in the company of other people. However, this offer is good upon one condition. If you even get near my bathtub I will punch you in the taint.


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