Secret Santa (The secret is, I pulled a name and I don't who the hell you are)

              I recently attended an event which most people dread. It's called a a "Staff Holiday Party". This was a  particularly strange ordeal for me because there was NO alcohol. I'm not joking. It's the longest amount of time I've gone sober during the evening. Not only am I no fun at all when I'm not heavily intoxicated but apparently neither is anyone else! However, the saving grace for this alcoholics-anonymous shindig was none other than another activity which I would normally dread; Secret Santa. For those of you who are not aware, Secret Santa is something that the Devil himself came up with. It is when you are forced to pick out a piece of paper from a hat which inevitably bears the name of a co-worker whom you have never met and you are required to purchase a gift for a stranger. In exchange, you will receive an equally thoughtless gift from someone you probably have never met either. At the place of my employment someone dreamt up the brilliant idea of having everyone fill out questionnaires that would coincide with the person who draws your name so that he or she will be better prepared as to which I aisle they should enter when purchasing your gift from Rite Aid. Unfortunately, when filling out my form I wasn't able to control myself from writing the most ridiculous answers I could possibly come up with. Here's what the unfortunate sole had to go off when purchasing my gift:

                                                     Name: Sean Smith

Favorite Junk Food: Bi-Racial Cookies (Halle Berry with oats)
Favorite Candy: Tylenol Extra Strength Gel Caps (or Vicodin)
Favorite Drink: Ketel One Vodka with a splash of cranberry, served with two lemon wedges on the rocks, garnished with a toothpick-based parasol in a rocks glass
Favorite Color: Brown and Thin
Favorite Restaurant: Hooters
Favorite Music: Gospel Hymns sung by Black people wearing brightly colored hats
Favorite Store: The Liquor Store across from my house
Favorite Author: Whoever wrote the Bible
Favorite Past Time: Sarcasm

Happy Holidays!