Amidst my long relationship with the people in unfortunate circumstances, I have recently had a falling out with a member of the homeless community. I must first explain that the homeless people in Dallas are like no other. They are incredibly aggressive, extraordinarily hairy, and speak at a volume that will deafen the strongest of ears! And they LOVE McDonald's. I cannot emphasize this enough. I have never met a group of people that appreciated Ronald McDonald so much in my life. Enter at your own risk in Dallas because you WILL be accosted by Black people that will demand that you buy them a Big Mac! (They will probably ask that you give them the change too). Although, the homeless people here sometimes come across as slightly bolder than the rest, I have still maintained my unwavering attempt to feed the mouths of the hungry with my banana (I feel like I've heard that sentence at the beginning of a pornographic film once. Nostalgia is weird....).
One day, I was at the Pearl Station, a train stop in downtown Dallas. It was a late night after a long day's work. I was standing at there waiting patiently with my friends Buckwheat (a native of D.C. whom is mentioned in an earlier blog) and B-More (a lovely lady, friend of Buckwheat, from Baltimore HOLLA!). We, the dynamic trio, were standing there enjoying our evening, waiting for our ghetto form of smelly transportation just like everyone else when a homeless man approached us. He was wearing a very large orange t-shirt; this was the first sign something was wrong! As he moved towards us, I noticed there was a very strange rhythm in his walk and he was leaning to the side slightly. I wasn't able to tell if this was a limp caused by some sort of war injury or if that was just his "swagger". Only Jesus knows. Homeless Swaggapants came over to the three of us and started in immediately. I am not sure what it is about the "urban" Dallas community that equips them with the ability to talk for 5 days straight just to make a simple plea for money. A simple "Gimme yo coins BITCH!" would have gotten his point across much more easily. Instead, Homeless Swaggapants decided to take the three of us hopelessly defensive victims through an INCREDIBLY long-winded explanation of why he felt that we should fork over our hard earned money to his triflin' ass. I tried to black out the memory but I do remember something about him trying to go the shelter to get food but they were closed at a certain time and they were overcapacity...blah blah blah! I nodded off half-way through his declaration of co-dependence. When I woke up he was still talking. I screamed a silent Hallelujah to myself when I finally heard him take a breath. This was my cue. "Excuse me Mr. Homeless Man. I can't offer you money at this time, however I do have some delicious food in my bag if you would like some.". Now, I thought this was Homeless Swaggapants's lucky day! You see, I didn't have a banana in my backpack, I actually had a full meal that I had not finished! I had prepared earlier in the day a wholewheat fettuccine with home-made marinara sauce with mushrooms, garlic, onion, green peppers, and eggplant. Delicious and nutritious! I was so proud of myself to provide a meal to someone whom truly needed it! He couldn't get this shit at the shelter. I couldn't wait to see the look of surprise on his face. This is when things took an ugly turn......
I must first mention that I actually handed Homeless Swaggapants this freshly home-cooked meal in my personal Tupperware container and metal fork for him to take with him with the full intention of not having it returned. Only an angel sent from baby Jesus would be so willing to make such a humble sacrifice for the good of a smelly homeless man. I handed Homeless Swaggapants the Tupperware dish and his utensils. His response: "What is it?". I responded quickly, "Whole wheat fettuccine with home-made pasta sauce". He reluctantly looked at the dish and said, "I don't eat spaghetti". At this moment, I would like to relay to you my feelings in that moment by telling you what I truly wanted to say:
SPAGHETTI! FIRST OF ALL, THIS AIN'T SPAGHETTI BITCH, I TOLD YOU IT WAS FETTUCCINE! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THIS SHIT AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER YOU WERE DONE KICKED OUT OF 2 HOURS AGO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE STANDING THERE DYING IN FRONT OF MY OWN EYES; MALNOURISHED, DIRTY, AND PRACTICALLY TOOTHLESS! HOW DARE YOU TURN DOWN THE MEAL THAT I SLAVED OVER THE STOVE FOR ALL MORNING! WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER TO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL AND FIND YOUR NEXT MEAL THERE YOU UNGRATEFUL FILTHY LITTLE BITCH!
Please allow me to re-iterate that the previous response was the imaginary one that I wish could have come to fruition. But because I am a man of Christ-like qualities, I decided to take the Holy road towards Jesus. So instead I simply stared for a few seconds in disbelief. I truly could not believe what I was hearing. I am standing in front of a homeless man who is refusing food because he doesn't like spaghetti. Was he on a gluten free diet? I had to choose my words carefully. I said to Homeless Swaggapants, "You don't eat spaghetti? What do you mean? You have no money and no food, you're on the street with nowhere to go and you're telling me you don't eat spaghetti? Listen! Beggars can't be choosers". This was the point when Buckwheat and B-More lost it. At the time, I didn't know what came over them. The train arrived very quickly. I left with my half-eaten fettuccine in tact but my pride officially had been stamped on and crushed.
As I sat down next to my two partners in crime, Buckwheat and B-More, they were still shaking with laughter. "What's so funny!!!???". B-More had to break it down for me. She explained to me that I was completely in the right. She agreed that it was absolutely absurd for a homeless person to be so rude to someone whom was offering to help them especially when asking for nothing in return. However, she summed up the reason for the great hilarity felt between she and Buckwheat. She explained, "I completely understand why you believe that beggars can't be choosers. It's just I've never actually heard someone say that to a beggar!". Laughter ensued between the three of us.
I only have Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to thank that I have yet to be homeless. I have been blessed with the fruits of the Lord with food, a bed, and an IPhone. I actually don't have an IPhone, it just seemed so right to say that. Even after my falling out with Homeless Swaggapants I am still a giving, nurturing, and devoted Christ-like being. Swaggapants was sent to me from Lucifer to test my patience. He failed miserably. Although, I may have been detoured for a moment, I still have kept my heart on the path towards salvation. The lesson I have learned on my journey to righteousness is even in the face of homeless adversity to always keep an open and generous heart for all of God' children.....even the unemployed ones. Just don't give them fettuccine....
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