I fully understand the idea of forking over some extra pennies for brand names when it comes to important items like multi-vitamins, microwaves, and tampons. However, I refuse to pay $3.53 for a brand name tiny box of dental floss when I can buy that ho at the 99 cents store! I mean seriously, how can there be any difference between that 50 foot white string and the one that comes with "Colgate" on the front? Apparently, much is different! Previously, when performing my toddler version of flossing, the cheap suggestion of dental floss worked sufficiently. However, with my new and improved technique, the cheap strands would not be able to survive what they were about to endure, unbeknownst to me of course. With a positive attitude in mind, I pledged forward with my new found awareness of flossing. I pulled the strand with both hands until taught and slipped it behind my front left tooth (the big one) and held each end of the string outside of my mouth. I began to simply pull on each end one at a time: right, left, right and then left. I kept working my way slowly around the periphery of my gigantic mouth. I began congratulating myself (too early as it were) on my accomplishment of thoroughly removing the plaque around my gums and thus defeating the evil bitch, gingivitis. It was not until I made it to my back molar on the left side that things began to take a turn for the worst. I slipped the floss behind the tooth and began to sway it to and fro as I had done on all of my previous choppers. I continued the motion several times before things came to a screeching halt. The little bitch was stuck! I could not move the floss. Clearly the devil was involved. At that moment, I realized that this wasn't going to be pretty. I immediately prayed that I wouldn't end up like Amy Winehouse.
The first step in solving a problem is to accept the fact that there is a problem. This took a few moments. I was in complete disbelief that this tiny piece of dental floss was stuck in my mouth like a Kylie Minogue single in my mind. Furthermore, it seemed more than slightly preposterous that my teeth were so tightly knit that a glossy piece of string could not gingerly slide through. There certainly was enough moisture in there. My glands create so much saliva, you would think I was trying to be the next Paris Hilton. But alas, I had to eventually (after several minutes of grievance and utter disbelief) accept the fact that Jesus had thrown me a curve ball. With few options at my disposal, the first method I thought of was to frantically tug on each end of the string hoping that the sheer strength of the pull would force the floss through gap between the two teeth. This, of course, ended badly. The string broke, not on one, but both ends! So there I was with two frayed ends of dental floss hanging out of my face. With each growing moment I found the pressure in my mouth to become more unbearable by the second. How I even manage to get the floss in this tiny Pamela Anderson's vagina tight space is still a mystery to me. Now, my only option left was of course to panic. I immediately turned into Linda Blair and began screaming. I started digging into the back of my mouth with my fingernails clawing away at what was left of the floss. Flashbacks of the movie "Saw" came flooding through my mind. The disturbingly low and evil voice said:
"INSIDE YOUR MOUTH IS THE KEY TO YOUR LIFE! ON THE BACK OF EACH TOOTH, A CODE IS WRITTEN THAT OPENS THE DOOR WHICH LEADS TO YOUR SAFETY! YOU MUST REMOVE EACH TOOTH WITH YOUR BARE HANDS IN ORDER TO RETRIEVE THAT CODE! IF YOU CANNOT CRACK THE CODE IN 60 SECONDS, A HIDDEN TRIGGER ATTACHED TO YOUR RETINA WILL DETONATE LEAVING YOU TO DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH! CAN YOU ENDURE THE PAIN OF SELF-SACRIFICE TO LEAD YOURSELF TO FREEDOM! OR WILL YOU CRACK UNDER THE PRESSURE? HAVE YOU BITTEN OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW?"
I really should pitch this idea to the creators of Saw. This could totally be the prequel. Anyways, I was in absolute agony trying to impossibly pull out the remaining floss that was stuck, jarred between my teeth. Crying quickly ensued, followed by screaming. Diarrhea also made a cameo appearance which at least distracted me from the impending doom occurring in my own mouth. After flushing and sanitizing of the hands I resumed to my position in my attempt to pry my mouth open to properly remove the floss. Then it hit me like Chris Brown; the perfect idea! If I simply took additional floss and forced it in, I could possibly use the new floss to push out the old floss. If it worked, I could buy a patent and call it the "Angelina Jolie technique"! I was so excited I could barely hold my excitement! So I pulled out a new shiny beacon of floss and began to double penetrate my own mouth (insert the second of two Pamela Anderson references here). Just like Pamela Anderson, I took it like a man and just shoved it in. The old floss popped right out! Success! My mouth was free of pain and over-occupancy. Thank Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! (in reverse order)
I have learned my lesson. Never buy generic brands of dental floss! They will rape your mouth faster than Kobe Bryant (who would have been preferred over dental floss FYI). I have now upgraded to Oral B 3D White! This shit is off the chain bitches! I am telling you that this is the most amazing product since the Shake Weight (blog coming soon). I can barely hold back my erection when thinking about this amazing product. Oral B's 3D White dental floss glides into your teeth with the ease that Pamela Anderson's vagina would experience with only one penis. It's flexible, it's comfortable, and it leaves your teeth feeling only gently violated; just the perfect amount. I am so proud to endorse this new product. I hope you all take advantage. I am publicly taking responsibility for their new slogan. "Oral B's 3D White: Dental Floss, the floss that only rapes you a little bit....."
No comments:
Post a Comment