I arrived home around 6 o'clock to prepare my apartment. The place was a DISASTER! I had to clean my entire place, complete a naked wall college, arrange a floor collage, get the food and drinks ready, and blow up balloons. I was in desperate need of some black-up. So I called B-More. She came over, put on some Pandora and went straight to blowing. She is a girl after my own heart. What I didn't realize was that the balloons I had purchased were the tiny skinny ones. The first one she blew up exploded in her face; at least she got a happy ending. Once B-More finally successfully blew up one of the tiny red balloons, it ended up looking like one of those long stringy things that hangs off of a chicken's chin. This was clearly going to be a disaster. After running around like a chicken with its head cut off in my blue underpants clearing tables, putting out fires, randomly throwing plastic stars on the floor and generally acting like David Hasslehoff on a drug binge, I managed to complete the decorations and preparations for the party with the help of B-More. I quickly put on my birthday outfit (a black suit with one nipple out) and swiped some delicious Old Spice under my arms and asscrack. The invitations said to be at my place at 7:30pm and I just completed my deodorant application just in the nick of time.
I made some drinks for B-More and I. I figured we could get the party started as people would be arriving. Seated on a kitchen chair in her leather jacket, B-More looked up from her half finished rum and coke and said, "Where is everybody?". It was eight o'clock at this point. Time travels fast when you're drinking. Before either of us knew it, we were both on drink number two looking like the odd couple. Some minutes later, I heard the door swing open. It was Daddy Long Legs! Donning a purple shirt and thick rimmed glasses, he burst into my apartment with joy and exuberance. I peed a little. I began preparing more beverages of the whiskey variety and enjoyed the amniotic music blaring from B-More's Pandora. I decided that I was going to make gourmet pizzas in celebration of a quarter of a century. I did not want to cook anything too high maintenance but I still wanted it to feel somewhat classy, thus preparing the toppings myself. I also thought it was a brilliant idea on account of the amount of Black people attending. I knew that had I prepared a meal at a specific time, it would be cold by the time the majority of the African-Americans showed up. With four pizzas at my disposal, I would surely be able to serve something hot for everyone on the hour. I began with a garlic shrimp pizza. After I shoved the pizza into the oven-vagina, the door burst open again with more people.
The next guest to arrive at the party was Shoniqua. She was wearing pumps and a leopard print dress that would certainly stop any heterosexual man of the African-American variety dead in his tracks. With her curly long (new with blond highlights) hair just cascading down her back, I knew it would be only a matter of time until she would be receiving alimony from an unsuspecting basketball player. Shoniqua is a very aggressive woman (you have to be when you date the Blacks), and with no hesitation at all, she briskly grabbed the martini shaker and took over some of the brunt work to allow me to socialize with my friends. Everybody needs a Shoniqua in their life. Someone who you will let you know unapologetically when you need to calm down or step it up (in my case it's usually the former).
At this point, B-More was feeling somewhat anxious to the fact that she had yet another event to attend in the evening. I was quite amazed that even four people had shown up only a half an hour after the proposed start time of the party. I had assumed that I would probably be drinking by myself a good hour into the party before any African-American showed up. This was great for B-More because it would have been slightly awkward to have left me by myself. She informed me that she was jacket-less. It's November, and although it's Texas, her nipples never would have been able to withstand the cold treacherous wind of the South. I took her to Steve Urkel's closet (I use my roommate's closet to sift through my hefty outerwear collection). Many of my pieces are considered unisex. B-More selected a shiny pleather jacket from New York and paired it with a fabulous red scarf of mine. I do not know that she was in search of male genitalia that evening but this newly found outfit definitely gave her at least the option. If there's one thing that I've learned in twenty five years is that you have to get it while you can.
Shortly before B-More left, my roommate showed up. I refer to him as Steve Urkel because of the overwhelmingly striking resemblance. He looked pretty amazing in his little suit. It impressed me that he dressed up in his own house to pay homage to Brown and Thin. People like Steve Urkel need to be celebrated for their generosity and attention to detail. He prepared himself a beverage and went on his merry way, making his rounds to the different people at the party. The music died down because of the fact that B-More took her Pandora with her. Daddy Long Legs fixed that problem by generously donating his iPod filled with music of the Black 90s variety. A girl couldn't ask for anything more.
The dynamic duo was next to arrive. This was of course Caramel Barbie and her husband Lucky Charms. Caramel Barbie appears exactly as her nickname describes. She is tall and statuesque with the delicious addition of a bright red faux hawk. Her husband is less gifted on the vertical end of things yet makes up for it by having the most amazing hair EVER! I can't even begin to describe the deliciousness that is bestowed on top of his head! His hair curls very tightly just like Goldie Locks. As Lucky Charms walked through my apartment, I noticed that his long tendrils were bouncing up and down to the beat of the music. I was absolutely mesmerized. I could barely hold my drink straight. As the beautifully odd couple sat down, I quickly started mixing their beverages. For Lucky Charms, I prepared him the feature whiskey beverage complete with Maker's Mark bourbon, lemon juice, orange juice, agave nectar, and a plethora of muddled strawberries. For Caramel Barbie, a self professed "non drinker", I gingerly dropped just a suggestion of Disaronno into an ice filled glass, and topped the rest off with cranberry juice. You have to know your customers.
At this point, the first pizza had been served, the second pizza was in the oven (spinach and feta cheese, recommended by Caramel Barbie), I was frantically making beverages, and I was on my fourth drink. So I apologize that my recollection of the rest of the evening is somewhat of a blur. I remember Tuscaloosa, Naomi, Charlie Brown, and Earth Mother coming in all around the same time. This served as a challenge for me as a hostess because each of these people have very distinct and separate drinking styles. Tuscaloosa is an easy to please heavy weight. He's the kind of bitch that can drink pretty much anything and will be happy with it as long as his cup remains full (a girl I can relate to). Charlie Brown also loves the hooch but after drink number three (especially if I am the one making them) will probably soon be found asleep on some one's couch. Earth Mother LOVES a sweet drink but is probably limited only to one and a half beverages over a three hour period. She gets drunk really fast which often results in much hilarity and some very good advice. Naomi is a full fledged alcoholic. I have still yet to determine whether or not he can outdrink me but what I will say is that it is quite clear that he is trying to give both me and Robert Downey Jr. a run for our money. Double fisting would be more than necessary for Naomi (if I had a dollar....). I served him a whiskey beverage (which basically ended up being straight alcohol) AND a cosmo stronger than The Rock on steroids. I believe he was at least moderately satisfied.
A cluster of balloons proceeded the entrance of the next guest. I could barely see her face through the plethora of floating delightfulness that cascaded in front of her. One of the balloons was actually in the shape of Spongebob Squarepants. Only her singing voice of "The Chicken Dance" informed me on who it was. Applebum brought her Grannysmiths to the party! She carried with her, a travel mug filled with mango margarita mix. I love a girl who travels with liquor in the evening in her vehicle. Her breasts looked amazing as usual. In my state of drunkenness, I sincerely wanted to cop a feel (for just a quick second). I do recall at some point that she dry humped me for a moment or five. I took the morning after pill the next day just to be on the safe side.
I felt very touched that so many of my co-workers had shown up to support me. Pilar ended up being the only one who couldn't come on account of her having diarrhea (She apparently had a mishap with an enchilada). What was beginning to turn into a pre-Christmas work extravaganza was quickly broken up by the attendance of the first non-work patron. In walked a very special friend of mine whom will be referred to as Betty Boop. I cannot stress enough that Betty Boop is a complete nut case and I can't get enough of it! Betty Boop talks like a cross between a Midwestern weather woman and a lounge singer from Las Vegas. She has a deep sexy voice that often lingers way too long in her vowels. I feel like it takes five minutes before I can even focus in on what she is saying on account of me being overtaken by her ridiculous way of speaking. I don't know where she learned how to talk like that but I need to find out so I can go to that school of thought! She also has a bob which adds to the insanity. Betty Boop has gigantic fun balloon breasts that compete comparably to Applebum's. She came bursting into the party with blue eyeshadow, bright red Cabaret lipstick, a Black dress with matching pumps, and Black laced gloves like she was about to perform a number from the musical Chicago. I need not forget to mention the fact she was also proceeded by a bevvy of gigantic balloons (which by the way were still not as big as her breasts). With her, she brought her boyfriend Rod Stewart. If you saw this man, you would immediately understand why he has this nick name. With spiked hair, high cheek bones, and the nose of a woodpecker, this man clearly needs to have a reunion tour. The dynamic duo began introducing their crazy selves to everybody at the party. Betty Boop placed her own six pack of Heineken in my refrigerator and had a gay old time just acting a fool around total strangers. That's my kind of bitch!
After pizza number two and beverage number one hundred seven had been served, this seemed like an appropriate time to start opening presents while I still was able to maintain an upright position. Perhaps you will notice a common theme amongst the birthday gifts....
Naomi brought me a 750 mL bottle of Ciroc Peach. This shit JUST came out on the market. I figure he had to go through the Chinese mafia to get his hands on the stuff. I immediately got an erection after feasting my eyes on the coral colored bottle. My cosmos will never be the same.
Charlie Brown presented me with a bottle of Red Zinfandel. I have been in a serious relationship with Zinfandel for quite some time which began in my early twenties with his evil twin sister, White Zinfandel. We have never gotten along since but I am willing to rekindle the spark I once had with the White Zinfandel and transfer it to the Red all thanks to the generous donation of Charlie Brown.
Earth Mother bought the most beautiful bottle of Pinot Grigio that I have ever seen. It's shape is quite phallic. In fact, it could probably double as a woman's sexual device. Two birds with one stone! Thank you Earth Mother! Your gift will be enjoyed by all!
Daddy Long Legs gets the award for presenting me with the Blackest gift of all. From him, I received a 375 mL bottle of Crown Royal BLACK. Now I love Crown Royal, it is delicious beyond belief (with coke in the evening or coffee in the morning). But the BLACK shit is off the chain. It is no joke! It also comes in the most adorable little purple bag with golden string. In the birthday bag, he also included a bottle of Vanilla Coke for pairing. That is some thoughtful shit bitch!
B-More reached out to the entire community with her gift. She brought a delicious snack for everyone to enjoy. It was gummy bears soaked in Malibu! In my mind, I can't see this being enjoyable. However, once you try it, you cannot deny the sensuality and addictive quality of this infectious treat. The combination of childish nature of the gummy bears and the pedophilic quality of coconut flavored rum is undeniable! Thanks B-More!
Caramel Barbie and Lucky Charms are just a gift on their own for being so cute that you wanna pinch the shit out of them. They brought me a bottle of Pinot Noir. Here's the story behind this beverage of choice. Shoniqua is a BIG fan of Pinot Noir and thus I have been sampling it for a while. More recently I have been ordering it when I am out and feeling the need for red wine in my blood stream. Now, I drink it ALL year round regardless of the temperature outside. The best part is that the bottle had a gift card for iTunes attached to it. There is nothing better than listening to the Spice Girls while intoxicated. People just know me so well.
Applebum got me a bartender's guide which is similar to dumping an unsupervised toddler off at the Neverland Ranch. In the party bag was also a pair of yellow panties with black piping around the edges. The underwear are both sexy and youthful. I feel like these briefs will stand the test of time. I am determined to wear them on my fiftieth birthday as part of the launching of my mid-life crisis. Last but not least, in her gift bag, was a ridiculous book called "PEOPLE WHO DESERVE IT: Socially Responsible Reasons to Punch Someone In the Face". This book addresses people who are belligerently ignorant and equally annoying. Clearly this topic is one close to my heart for the fact that I love making fun of people who are ridiculous all the while recognizing that sometimes it's me who is the one that is talking loud in the movie theatre.
Clearly, my friends were trying to send me two messages with their presents. One, "Clearly you're an alcoholic.". And two, "Go ahead bitch, drink up. You only live once!". I love them for that. There were also a few who gave me non-alcoholic gifts. These people I believe were trying to tell me "Clearly you're an alcoholic and you need to stop drinking, so please adopt a new hobby". Here's what these lovely people presented to me.
Steve Urkel gets the award for getting me the most homosexual gift of all. He got me a beautifully wrapped bar of chocolate flavored soap with a matching chocolate flavored body scrub! After one whiff I almost collapsed possibly resulting in my being impregnated by Kobe Bryant. That would have been one hell of a birthday!
Tuscaloosa also went very Black in the gift exchange. He bought me a delicious pair of light weight pants with a detachable belt. He didn't stop there though, he knows that I'm a ho that needs a full outfit. He completed the look with a t-shirt that read "Don't hate the PLAYA". I now feel fully prepared for Compton. (The pants fit perfectly by the way despite my skepticism. Tuscaloosa clearly understands the shape of my tiny calves.)
Betty Boop and Rod Stewart really just kept the crazy train going with their birthday presentation. Through the slew of floating balloons and streamers, I managed to rummage my way to the bottom of the blue bag. Inside was a collection of ridiculous novelty items that were right up their crazy alley. First were a pair of glasses with eyes that detached hanging on coils and bounced up and down. I, now have one party trick covered! Next was a collection of false teeth that looked quite decayed and perfect for Halloween! I love practical gifts that minimize my shopping duties for costumes! Lastly was a beautiful contraption that resembled a cheerleading baton. It was a blue stick with silver Barbershop type swirls of the glitter variety circling up towards the end which found a long iridescent streamer attached. I was immediately hooked. I began gallivanting around my apartment like a total idiot mesmerized by my own lack of talent.
As the culmination of the gift unwrapping began and pizza number three was out the oven, suddenly the lights turned off. Candles appeared in the darkness as a hush fell over the room. It was Evangeline, with a surprise birthday cake. I slowly wandered into the center of my living room, turned to face all of the attendees and collapsed on the floor in astonishment. My friends then proceeded to perform the CREEPIEST rendition of "Happy Birthday" in the history of mankind. This clearly could have doubled as an opening scene to Saw XII! During this song, I began performing movements of the stripper variety which really was a nod to the Dallas obsession with naked dancers. I, of course, performed all of these amazing moves fully clothed. I blew out the candles (barely) and turned the lights back on. I ran over to Evangeline to discover that she had prepared me a coffee cake! I LOVE coffee cake more than pornographic bloopers (hilarious when you're drunk). Pandemonium swept over the crowd as the cake was devoured. It was absolutely delicious! I decided this was the most appropriate time for the first costume change of the evening. I stripped off the suit and donned some simple jeans and a bright orange top with grey stripes from H&M. My cleavage was amazing.
Shortly afterward there was a knock at the door. Naomi informed me that the management of the building was responding to a noise complaint. I briskly walked down the hallway toward my front door. "PUT YOUR DRINK DOWN HO!" Applebum yelled at me. I placed my drink on Steve Urkel's shelf and made my way to the door and was greeted by a very LARGE Black man in a yellow shirt. "You gotta keep it down bro" said Sug Knight. I thought about offering him an alcoholic beverage to take the edge off. What the hell was this guy's problem? It was barely eleven o'clock! Does he not have anything better to do than bother a bi-racial Canadian during his celebration of a quarter century of life? I recanted on the offering of alcohol and decided to play dumb. "Oh every one's leaving so it's no problem", I said. I was lying straight through my vagina.
I returned to the party filled with festive happy faces. I poured myself libation number seven. After taking one sip I was invited over to Shoniqua and Evangeline's apartment just down the hall for an additional birthday surprise. I had to think on my feet so I immediately brought out all of my pornography (in paperback variety) and snuck out of my own party leaving the guests entertained with images of nudity. I arrived at the Shoniqua/Evangeline woman-cave and was greeted with a large table decorated from one end to the other with gifts. Bows, ribbons, and streamers were cascadeing back and forth, up and down the presents. It looked like a birthday party for Dora the Explorer. I was thrilled! Evangeline's presents were all in shiny purple bags. Shoniqua had more of an eclectic approach with an array of bright colors. With a fluttering heart I began opening the presents. Here's what the dynamic duo graciously gave to me for my birthday:
Shoniqua, keeping in the theme of my being an alcoholic, gave me not one but TWO bottles of alcoholic libation. The first of which was St. Germain. St. Germain is the first liqueur in the world created in the artisanal French manner from freshly handpicked elderflower blossoms. Apparently it goes quite well with vodka and champagne! I look forward to many nights of shaking up cocktails of the French variety while eating oysters and growing a beard. The second bottle appeals to a different part of my personality; the pornographic part. This came in the form of a delicious shaped bottle filled with a mystery coral colored liquid called OR-G! I am not exactly sure what it is but I was informed that it is of the Alizé variety! I can probably drink it on the rocks or while lying on my back. No gift of the alcoholic variety is complete without a method of concealing the fact that I am an alcoholic. Shoniqua took a nod from Applebum and provided me with a green thermos complete with attached plastic straw that pops up like an Asian erection when you slide the plastic lid. It will be a little secret between she and I (and perhaps everyone reading this). Only Shoniqua will know truly what is going on when I break out the green cup! In another gift bag, I found a three piece set of bowls with tiny lids and spoons from Costa Rica! There was also a matching holder with three spaces for each bowl to sit in. Perfect for salsas, tappas, or olive tapenades! If this doesn't lead to sexual intercourse, NOTHING will! The last and by far my most favorite gift of all came from an AMAZING store called Ross. It was a large jar of honey. Shoniqua recognized the fact that I enjoy making drinks using agave and honey. What Shoniqua failed to realize was that on the label it clearly read "Honey made from organic RAPEseed"! Once I read the label out loud to her, Shoniqua collapsed in hysterics resulting in an amazing birthday moments. It turned out that the molested honey was quite delicious! Hugs and kisses to Shoniqua!
Evangeline got me the sexiest cutting board I have ever seen. Also from Costa Rica, it featured several different woods from the country, all shellacked to preserve the intricate details of the tree. I will certainly use this as a presentational tool on my next date to fully seal the deal on sexual intercourse (even though the Costa Rican bowls will probably secure that already). Next, was a round wooden serving tray that spins around like a top. This was perfect! I would simply place the Costa Rican bowls on top of the Costa Rican cutting board on top of the spinning wooden serving tray and I would be the next Martha Stewart! I had visions of being a celebrity already! Evangeline also hand painted a framed picture featuring Yours Truly, Shoniqua, Evangeline, and Simba from the time we all went to the auction block...sorry I mean rodeo in Forth Worth! GOOD TIMES! Last but not least, Evangeline presented me with a gift that would surely make my Mother's head spin with joy. A real genuine WOK! I was too excited for words. To think of all the delicious noodle-based meals I could prepare in that wonderful dish! Not only would I be the next Martha Stewart but I could be the Japanese version too! The best part is that Evangeline told me you can even make crepes in the wok. It would be a nod to my French Canadian heritage. I just needed to be sure that I didn't channel Applebum and light my kitchen on fire while using the Japanese contraption.
Completely overwhelmed with joy, I returned to my apartment to find the remainder of my guests deeply wrapped in the genitalia filled pages of my pornographic books while sipping on their beverages and nibbling on the last of the pizza. I am so glad that everybody was having a good time (despite having to turn the music down thanks to Sug Knight). Earth Mother at this point was slurring slightly which was a perfect indication to me that we truly had had a good time. As a final costume change, I stripped off all of my clothes and donned my new found pedophilic underwear courtesy of Applebum. I walked the final guests to the door around 12:30. I pranced around the hallway with nothing on but my panties. As Applebum turned the corner I flashed her my birthday cakes.
I returned to my apartment successfully having evaded being arrested on the grounds of lewd activity and/or public nudity of the Canadian variety. I took one look at my empty apartment and all I could see were a pile of unopened bottles of liquor, a floor covered in shiny plastic stars, and a ceiling filled with balloons. To top it off, there were still some pieces of cake left! This was the best day EVER! I grabbed a piece of coffee cake, poured myself my eighteenth and last libation, wandered over to my room, collapsed on my bed and fell asleep with a smile on my face and crumbled cake glued to the side of my mouth.
Happy 25th!
On a serious note (and you know this is rare), THANK YOU so much everybody who came and supported me last Thursday! You ALL went above, beyond, and completely over the top to make my day so special. You are amazing! You made my day, week, and month. I look forward to the next twenty five years and hope that you will be able to celebrate those days with me too! MUAH!
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