Saturday, November 27, 2010

Giving Thanks

         Thanksgiving is over but it is only at this point that I am able to be thankful. Up until now I've been pre-occupied with my being terrified about Black Friday. When I first moved to America I had never heard of this event before. I thought, "Is there an additional Martin Luther King holiday I missed?" Apparently I was mistaken. This is the day when Americans completely lose their shit and go absolutely insane over markdowns at Macy's. I found out that it's called Black Friday because that's the color of the people who will bust a cap in your ass to be first in line to purchase their 75% off DVD player from Radio Shack. It goes without saying that this time of the year makes me a little nervous on account of the constant dodging of bullets in the mall. So now finally that hot mess is over with and I am now able to calm my nerves and make my laundry list for things I am most thankful for. Here it is:

I am thankful for....

1. Vaginas - Without which I would have not had my grand entrance into the world.
2. Black people - For constantly providing material for my blog and talking loud in movie theaters.
3. My Mother - And all Asian people who are the same height as she.
4. Ramen noodles - For your unwavering source of nourishment.
5. Dogs with 3 legs - For bringing a smile to my face and joy in my heart.
6. Briefs - Thank you for the "convenience flap", it saves so much time and energy.
7. Jesus - I love Jewish people!
8. Kegel exercises - Thanks for keeping me toned.
9. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders - I admire your courage to be both orange and retarded .
10. Fat people - Thank you for my self-esteem.
11. My 2nd testicle - I'm so happy to have a spare.

It's important to not present a one sided argument. Since I started blogging I've decided to create a non-partisan and non-polarizing environment. Thus, I have written a second laundry list which is slightly more realistic:

I am not thankful for...

1. My 3rd testicle - This is useless decoration.
2. The baggage fee at the airport - Now I know why Black people carry guns.
3. Geri Haliwell - Why did you go and break up the most amazing group since Milli and Vanilli?
4. Madonna - For stealing Black babies.
5. People who are thinner than I - Go eat a hippopotamus and screw off!
6. Michael Vick - Dogs aren't too fond of Black people to begin with. You're not helping!
7. Erections - I don't like surprises.
8. Barney - Large purple homosexuals shouldn't be on television that early in the morning.
9. My bellybutton - Are you in or are you out? Pick one God damn it!!! Why did I get Ricky Martin for a bellybutton?
10. Asian babies - I get very nervous when I can't tell when something is asleep or not.
11. Barack Obama - Stop being so thin and Brown! That's my job you little bitch!

Happy belated Thanksgiving! Enjoy your leftover turkey (or tofurkey for the vegetarians).

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