Sunday, January 9, 2011

Mirror Mirror On The Wall: I'm Turning Into A Raisin!

       I consider myself a good person. I may have a slightly demented sense of humor but I swear it's well intended. I know I don't go to church enough. I haven't quite decided which religion I believe in which makes things more difficult. Not knowing what race I am keeps me even more pre-occupied. As if anyone is perfect in the first place. We all have our issues. I believe that deep down inside I have a healthy and happy spirit. So can someone please tell me why I'm turning into a raisin?

      Here's the deal. I went to bed last night 17 years old and woke up 24. I don't know what the hell happened in these last 7 years but it's not pretty! I used to revel in the fact that my age finished with a "teen". I loved being so damn cute and adorable at the little clubs and bars I would go to. (P.S. Legal age of drinking is 19 in Canada so please don't send letters!) I doted upon myself in the mirror embracing my lovely undamaged shade of hazelnut skin in the mirror. I would gracefully sashay my way through the beaches of Vancouver, Miami, Toronto, New York wherever I was at the time for people to bask in my gingerbread glow! But now things have changed. And quickly!

       I began to notice this change just last week when I returned back to my lovely new home in Dallas, Texas. Upon arrival, I looked around my bedroom and thought to myself, "Something is missing". I couldn't put my finger on it. So I did what I always do when I feel I can't find the answers; I went to the freezer and grabbed myself some Patron. It's very important to keep well chilled hard liquor in your house if you ever want to be happy in your life! I made myself a delicioso margarita on the rocks and went back into my room to ponder. As I sat perplexed stirring my very strong beverage decorated with a tiny umbrella it dawned upon me. I knew exactly what my room was missing; ME! I needed more of myself plastered throughout the room. My mission was clear. I remembered I had done a photo shoot some years back with a  lovely photographer and dear friend of mine in Toronto. All of the photographs were in my underpants and they are fabulous (both the photos and the underpants). I searched through my files and uncovered several hundred of them that I had printed off immediately when I got them done years ago upon seeing how amazing I looked in them. I took them out and frantically started spreading them out all over my floor. I was in total awe of my own beauty. I organized them in a pattern I liked and started plastering them all over my walls. After several margaritas and three hours later I had used all of my hundreds of photographs. My masterpiece was complete. It was ME all over my room. Amazing! In my drunken stupor I lay on my bed to admire my hard work and tanned body a thousand times over. I realized at that moment how truly amazing I am. How incredibly thin I am. How incredibly brown I am! I didn't even want to blink thus I miss a second of a glimpse of the gift Jesus had given to me; my svelte body!

        I can't emphasize Jesus's sense of humor enough! At that moment, in my sheer self admiration, all of a sudden I felt unsure. I felt uneasy and insecure out of nowhere. I doubted reality itself and knew that something was wrong. Something was about to happen! I needed to poop. (Side note- I always hover over the toilet seat making sure not to touch it because sitting on the toilet is nasty!) After lighting several matches and spraying vanilla-scented Glade I stood up to wash my hands. I had no idea what God had in store for me. As I massaged my soapy hands together I slowly looked up and saw something that no good person should ever see; myself in the mirror.....without photo retouching! I screamed in horror at what I saw! I almost spilled my fourth margarita! Where can I begin with the absolute monstrosity of the vision that was bestowed upon me in that moment. I had spent all of that time being so thankful for what Jesus had gifted me with! I had no idea how quickly my bountiful beauty would be taken away from me! My hair line was receding! The grand canyon had incarnated its way onto my own face! My skin had dried up like Rosie O'Donnell's vagina around a locker room filled with nude male football players. My formerly beautiful face had become a complete abomination! What a disaster. This was worse than Cruel Intentions II.

        I'm not sure how I blocked out the past 7 years of my life but I swear I was 17 yesterday. If it wasn't bad enough to wake up at 24 with no memory of my early twenties and late teens but to make things worse I now look like my age has a 3 in front of it! I never use abbreviations but now it seems appropriate...WTF!? How is this possible? Since that day I truly saw my own hideous image in the mirror it seems as though the rest of the world has caught up as well. I've had friends tell me that I look like I'm 30. Bartenders have stopped carding me. A senior citizen invited me to bingo! What's wrong with this world. What have I done to you Jesus to deserve such tragedy in my life?

        I feel incredibly shocked and obliterated by this news delivered to me from my own reflection in the mirror. Clearly, I'm turning into a raisin. I'm not sure why this is all happening but one thing's for sure; I will do everything I can to reverse my aging! I will shave, wax, tweeze, moisturize, exfoliate, and rejuvenate until I once again have the body of  a 14 year old Korean gymnast! Jesus, you better watch out! You may be slick and trying to punish me for not going to church enough but what you don't know is that I have Maybelline on my side. I'm going to pull out all my tricks so I can again be asked for identification when I order a Long Island Iced Tea at Hooters. Hell, I'm going to look so good by the end of this month that Hooters will want to hear me as their head waitress! All I need is some foundation, lip gloss, Vaseline, and dental floss and we'll be in business!

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