Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Naked Vegetable Stealer

**I must start with a disclosure stating that the aspects of being naked and vegetable stealing are two separate ideas. At no point was there any vegetable stealing taking place while in the buff. At least not to my knowledge.....  

        Even though my childhood was filled with what felt like every culture and race possible but Black, it has come to me a surprise that lately I have met some very strange African American women. I'm not sure if I find them strange because they represent something I wasn't exposed to until as of late or that I just seem to attract crazy people in general. In any case I have recently met a very strange and peculiar yet completely fascinating individual who bears a striking resemblance to the star of "Princess And The Frog" known as Evangeline.

        I can't remember if Evangeline was wearing clothes the first day I met her or not; it's all become such a blur. It wouldn't surprise me though considering that she seems to be without clothes more than she dons them. This is not because of lack of finances or a completely unrealistic increase in climate due to global warming. I'm not sure how her fascination with all things naked has come to take form but it certainly has been a consistent part of my experience with Evangeline. At first, I was slightly uncomfortable with seeing so many nipples at once. I look back and realize that I was merely exaggerating by the fact that she obviously only has two. For some reason, should I get flashed by one nipple I find it much more easy to deal with. However, at this point I feel quite liberated by seeing the beautiful curvature and chocolate skin tone of a Black woman. On occasion I now find myself doing ordinary housework in the buff. It's hot in Texas! Sometimes I even do lunges.

          Evangeline has taught me so much about what it means to be a Black woman. I had no idea that there were so many details and intricacies to the maintenance of the African American body; especially the hair! Many of the men, like myself simply shaves ourselves to oblivion until we resemble a Butterscotch version of Mr. Clean or a contemporary manifestation of Shaft. When I first met Evangeline she had very short adorable twists all over her little chocolate head. A few days later, I saw her at work with perfectly straight hair that went all the way down to the middle of her back. Oh my God! It's a miracle! Her hair had literally grown over night. This was a power I didn't know women of color possessed. Simply amazing. A few days later after that I saw her again; all the hair was gone! Was her pin-straight ponytail like Cinderella's shoe? Only good until midnight? Was there an expiration date I wasn't aware of? Witchcraft was clearly involved. I saw this pattern repeat itself for a long time including several incarnations of hairstyles. After spending several weeks being completely enamoured by Evangeline's ever-changing coif she finally informed me of some very special secrets. She explained to me that the hair on Black women's heads is detachable! Yes that's right! They just simply clip on to the back of their heads and swing around perpetrating as their own. They come in many styles, lengths, and textures. They each come in separate packaging and once they are opened by their owners they receive birth names. Evangeline has several pieces including my favorites Diana and Loretta. I am completely shocked and amazed by this feat. For so long I wondered why these women ran around everyday with hair that seemed to grow, shrink, and grow again all within a week's time like the Black Rapunzel! It's time for the brothers to jump on the bandwagon. We can't let women have all the glory. I will be superglue-ing a Chia pet on my head this weekend.
        Probably one of the most bizarre idiosyncrasies of my new found African-American friend is her relationship with vegetables. Evangeline is a vegetarian who will on occasion eat a little fish so it is understandable that she is not only educated but interested and intrigued by the produce section of the grocery store. I can understand that. She is a fantastic cook and prepares an array of dishes, she's like the  Black Martha Stewart. However, her interest in vegetables has taken a strange turn in the past few months that has caused me to question her level of sanity and has also caused me to fall to the floor in stitches on account of her ridiculous behaviour. The first incident I was not present for but was retold to me by her roommate and my very good friend Shoniqua. Essentially they both were at a restaurant in Dallas and upon leaving Evangeline noticed a beautiful vegetable garden outside the establishment. Apparently she was so overwhelmed at the mere sight of freshly grown produce she gingerly hopped over the fence and stole them! She put them in her purse and took them right home. I don't feel sorry for the red Swiss chard (or Silverbeet for our Australian friends) that she took but I do think that the owners of the restaurant would be very confused at the tiny footprints left in the garden the next morning. On another occasion at an undisclosed location we were together at a particular establishment that happened to be decorated with gourds. Upon a sill was a delicious looking untouched butternut squash I had passed by. I was continuing about my business when I walked by at a later time when I noticed it had vanished. Considering I had only recently endured the pain of the incredible laughter I experienced being told the story of Evangeline jumping into a public garden I knew very well what happened to the damn squash. If I remember correctly the next day Evangeline was eating some delicious pureed squash out of a tupperware container at work. I know stealing is wrong but the tears of joy were very difficult to hold back watching Evangeline delighting in her free cuisine. Ahh the contradiction of comedy!

         Evangeline is a certified Pilates instructor and has recently taken her knowledge of exercise and her passion for nudity and has created a deadly hybrid aerobic routine; Booty Barre! She is creating a workout program that emphasizes the movement and shape of the most glorious part of the African American woman. It begins on the floor with jiggling and gyrating against the ground which moves to a series of movements standing at the Ballet barre which mostly involve bending over whilst shaking the glutes and concludes with a centre floor combination. I've seen her demonstrate her ideas several times and on every occasion she takes her co-workers through this incredibly long-winded and elaborate ordeal we are all usually left shaking ourselves on account of the boisterous laughter we experience. It is indescribable how she is able to move her body in this way. It's as though her bum has a life of his own. Her beautiful tiny round sensation that sits so perky on the top of her long legs just seems to have a conversation with it's audience like it's the new host of the Tonight Show. It's a talent that is unmatched and something I have never seen in my life especially by any of her Caucasian counterparts. Please look for Booty Barre soon, I truly feel it will be the next George Foreman grill.

        I am so fortunate to have met someone who has educated me further on what it means to be a colored woman in the United States. I grew up with no examples so I am so glad to finally get a glimpse into their culture. Evangeline has trampled the stereotypes that Lil' Kim and Condaleeza Rice have created in my mind and replaced with fresh ideas of booty jiggling, detachable hair, and vegetable stealing. She is truly one of a kind. I have never met someone who has literally kept me laughing every day of my life on account of her brilliant comedic sensibilities and her incredibly free spirit. Evangeline, just like the movie, is a wonderful princess.....except nude.

Dedicated to a beautiful Chocolate dumpling
-From Yours Truly, A Gingerbread dumpling


  1. Did Evangeline tell you about how she stole the kale from the rooftop? Lol Very well written Sean, I agree with every aspect of the piece. "Evangeline" s truly one of a kind. She is the most beautifully unique creature I have ever known.