Friday, February 11, 2011

Applecheeks (The Life and Story of an Amazing Tukkus)

         In honor of Black History Month I would like to pay tribute an African-American woman with an amazing tukkus. She is a co-worker of mine and has delighted me since the day I first met her. She intrigues me for a multitude of reasons. Specifically, I'm always interested in people who's asses could potentially have their own sitcom. My dear Black friend whom is the subject of today's rant certainly has a posterior that would fit into this category. I didn't notice her delightful tukkus until one evening we both had received complimentary tickets to see a performance at the Winspear Opera House here in Dallas. She was wearing a sexy one-piece green number that was silky and cinched in at the waist. She was radiant. She looked like light-skinned Black Barbie (like the kind of Barbie that would be in the Ethnic section but light enough for White girls to actually purchase). We sat through the performance and everything was just fine. Once we got up to leave she was walking up the stairs in front of me and I couldn't help but notice that there was a third party attempting to have a conversation with me; her bum! It was like a strange Siamese twin trapped inside of a green Snuggie arguing with itself trying to decide which bum cheek would get the first word in. "Oh my God. Stop fighting!" was the first thing that I thought to myself. Then I began to wonder if my friend knew that the battle between good and evil was happening on her own behind! I was completely enraptured by what I was witnessing, perhaps even more so than the performance I had just witnessed. Her bum was better than the Winspear! At some point later I told her it looked like two Grannysmith apples in a wrestling match. She was quite delighted to hear that. Perhaps it wasn't the first time! So for the purposes of this rant I will refer to her as such. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Ms. Applebum!

          I met Applebum back in September when I got this new job. I immediately looked to her as someone to go to for advice and guidance. She's my superior. She's also 32, and I think that makes a big difference! Although she may not look it (Black don't crack!), I have discovered that something very special happens to Black women once they pass the age of 30. They bloom into a whole new kind of species.....a kind of species that will WHOOP YO ASS if you piss 'em off! OK! Don't get me wrong. I love Applebum! She's smart, hard-working, and has a tukkus to match but she has somewhat of a short fuse and has no problem with letting you know when she has an issue with you. But the thing with Applebum is, she always "comes correct" (as the Blacks say). She won't go off for no reason. Believe me when I say that if she comes for you, you have DEFINITELY done something to deserve it. And I have to say, I really respect those who are honest about how they feel. I think it truly gets a lot accomplished! I come from a Caucasian Canadian household in a White Christian community where it is always acceptable to plaster a fake smile on your face and cuss people out in the privacy of your own mind only! It's certainly refreshing to hear people speak their minds for once. It's just a little jarring sometimes on the account of me not being used to it yet. To be clear, Applebum doesn't yell or get hysterical. She just gets very stern and VERY serious. This usually gives me instant diarrhea. Applebum keeps me thin!

         When looking at one's traits and emotional tendencies you really must take a moment to examine that person's past in order to discover how they ended up to ultimately become the person who they are today. We are all merely a summation of our genetics and upbringing. That's all! So it was very curious for me to hear Applebum talk about growing up as Black girl in America. Applebum is from Columbus, Ohio which is the 16th largest city in America (the 15th is Nikki Minaj's ass). Columbus is also the home of Geraldine Fredritz Mock, the first woman to fly around the world in 1964! You don't need to Wikipedia that name to know that clearly that woman was White, her friends called her Jerrie, for Christ's sake! Anyways, Applebum went to THE Ohio State University and received her B.F.A. in Dance Education with a minor in Physical Education which I think is pretty amazing considering that computers had not been invented yet. She completed her entire length of study using the only available technology at the time, the typewriter! However, this is not the most significant part of Applebum's education. On a business trip to San Jose, California, she revealed some very important information about her childhood education that clearly has informed who she is today! Specifically, I'm talking about her experience in 7th grade. At that time (the year was 1904), there was something in the Ohio Elementary School curriculum that I believe has been since removed. In 7th grade, Applebum became acclimated with 12 bird calls, all coming from the state of Ohio. And by "acclimated", I mean the little nugget children learned how to perform all 12 bird calls by name. I believe that it was at this very moment when Applebum became a perfectionist. As I say, she's a very hard-worker and at times is very critical of herself. I think I have found out exactly when that seed was planted in her life. This is when she discovered her talent to become a worker bee! You see, it wasn't crazy enough that she, along with her classmates, had to learn not one but TWELVE bird calls, but Applebum took it one step further. She went into her backyard in Columbus and practiced them ad nauseum until she perfected all of them! TWELVE! She has been holding the torch for perseverance ever since! I have not seen her perform them yet but I would imagine it's a great party trick! I'm sure I can convince her to give me a personal rundown and demonstration of all twelve if Patrón is involved. (I know what I'm getting a certain someone for their birthday....)

          I think the most prevalent moment in our relationship is when she and I took Pilates together. She looked amazing as always in some cute outfit on her mat. We were stretching, reaching, and breathing; lengthening our muscles. We sweated as we tried our best to execute the movements. I was trying hard to pay attention to the instructor when I looked out the corner of my eye, and there she was giggling to herself. I had no idea what was wrong with her! You can't laugh and exercise at the same time! It's crazy! It's like having sex and pooping! They just don't go together! But what I didn't realize that she knew something that I didn't. Something was about to happen that I clearly was unaware of. Picture in your mind the two of us with our legs wrapped around the outsides of our arms holding on to our ankles rolling back onto our shoulders lifting our posteriors high into the air and then back down again only to repeat this motion several times in a row. We were facing each other as we did this motion together. Back and forth, back and forth. She's giggling away, and I'm still confused yet we're both still concentrated enough to continue exercising. After the 6th repetition or so she rocked back with her lovely Grannysmith apple bum high in the air. She paused in that precarious position for a moment. Instantaneously, she released a short yet very obviously LOUD fart! Applebum farted in the middle of Pilates and she thought it was the funniest thing ever. I couldn't believe it! I had no idea what to do with myself! So I just started laughing. Looking back on it now, it was pretty amazing. She couldn't have worked out the timing better. I swear it was pre-planned. And come to think of it, it smelled a little like apples....

        I swear it's not me that's obsessed with African-American women, or at least I certainly didn't set out to have such an obsession. It's only turned out this way because the Black women that have been a part of my life have for some reason been so incredibly delightful! Applebum has been sent down from Heaven addressed "To BrownAndThin, From Jesus". That's right. Mr. Christ himself sent a light-skinneded angel to entertain and guide my Brown behind (note that the extra "ed" was intentional, just say it phonetically). Applebum is a joy. Not just for her maturity and guidance but also for her sense of humor and friendship. I don't know what I would do without Applebum. I'm certainly not ready to join so I hope she stays in my life for a long time as my friend. I wish all of you reading this have an Applebum in your life (either attached or as a companion). It's of the upmost importance that we have someone whom we can rely on and look up to who happens to have a booty you can bounce 25cents off of. I have my roll of quarters and a bottle of Tequila ready.....HOLLA!
Dedicated to a dear friend!
Thank you for being the apple of my vagina......


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