Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Farting in the Bathtub (A Valentine's Day Story)

        Like most of my counterparts of the male species, I have never been particularly interested in Valentine's Day. Every year, the day comes and goes without notice. This may have something to do with the fact that I have consistently found myself to be single EVERY February 14th since I've been able to touch myself inappropriately. Obviously, I'm always very preoccupied with Black History Month festivities (or making fun of them) thus I have no time to concentrate on finding someone to permanently do the horizontal mambo with if you know what I'm saying. So there I was yesterday finding myself yet again alone on February 14th. It doesn't phase me any more, in fact it really has never bothered me at all. It's a silly holiday that has been taken over by the media and department stores making money off of hopeless blokes who are forced to spend money on chocolates, cards, jewellery and roses. My roommate bought his partner 6 foot teddy bear! Can you imagine? The only 6 foot chocolate colored item I need sent to me on Valentine's Day is a stripper! Preferably one that doesn't require batteries. In my solitary state, I decided that after hearing of my roommate's endeavours that I spend my evening with someone very special for the very first time in my history of Valentine's Day. I decided to hook up with a good friend of mine whom I've known for a very long time; Svedka.

        Vodka has always been very special to me. She's always there when I needed her, and she always delivers and with benefits! She is yet to let me down. I'm not sure why I never thought of this before, but I realized that she was the perfect person to spend my day of love with. After I came home from work (which let's just recognize for a moment that this is NOT  a statutory holiday so we all need to calm down slightly, if I can't sleep in and spend the entire day painting my toenails magenta to match my areolas, instead of going to work, it's not a REAL holiday!), I came home, took a shower. I made sure to spend a good amount of time on my genital region; it's of the most importance that one's testicles are sparkling clean on Valentine's Day. I mowed my pubes and choreographed a shape with the razor. I designed a heart with the hair above my no-no place. It took a while to make it symmetrical but in the world of designer pubic hair, patience and determination is the key! I got dressed and sauntered on over to my favorite place to shop in the whole world; Scott's Discount Liquor Beer & Wine located only a few blocks from my home! I walked in to the Asian owned establishment. First of all, let me make this very clear that I waste no time in the liquor store. This bi-racial thug knows what he wants! (Clearly, I'm not a thug but the verbiage just seemed to work so smoothly). I looked at the 3rd shelf and saw my girlfriend; Svedka! She was absolutely divine. She was gleaming on the shelf with her breasts out! She may not be top shelf but she tastes a step above well Vodka with a bottom shelf price. She's absolutely perfect for me! I purchased her for $23.47 and sashayed my way home with my best friend in my black plastic bag. I purchased a few limes at my local grocery store in my building before elevating myself to the 8th floor where I live. I grabbed myself a sexual Collin's glass and poured myself an AMAZING vodka and 7 up with two lime wedges. Before sipping my concoction, I made out with the glass a little bit. It's important to tease your beverage sexually, plus I had rimmed the glass with sugar and lime so it was  undoubtedly infectious! I decided that I needed some nourishment to go along with my beverage. Normally Vodka is the perfect complete dinner but I decided that on this special occasion I was allowed to have solid foods only with the self agreement that I would drink 3 cups of Ballerina Tea afterwards. I poured myself a second drink as I whipped up a very amazing spicy vegetarian chili. In my last preparations before the meal was complete I received a phone call from someone. A female friend. This was strange for me on account of me already having made out with my glass beverage filled with my longtime girlfriend; Svedka. Merely answering the phone made me feel like I was cheating. I digressed and answered her call. This female friend is my dear companion Shoniqua!

           Allow me to give you a brief back story on Shoniqua. I met her 4 years ago. We were both employees of a company in Toronto. We quickly became friends. It wasn't long before our relationship moved beyond drink buddies/employees to spending many an occasion naked together just simply enjoying our skin contrasts under harsh lighting as good friends. Afterward, I moved to New York and she ended up there as well some time later. We lived together for a while. During that time there was plenty of farting, laughing, usually followed by more farting. She eventually moved to Dallas, Texas for work and I followed suit a month there after. We're inseparable like Lil' Wayne's butt cheeks. Shoniqua is of the Caucasian variety yet her silhouette suggests otherwise. I will touch on this more specifically in another blog. We have become very close and have always been the best of naked friends. Thus, I felt an obligation to speak with her yesterday even though I felt I was betraying my true bitch Svedka. Shoniqua invited me over because she desperately wanted to see my naked body traipse around her house. I don't blame her. Who wouldn't want to see all 145 pounds of my Milk Chocolate physique doing log rolls on your bathroom floor? I digressed and agreed to come over but inside I felt a tremendous guilt for leaving my Vodka behind. Then, in a quick blond moment I realized that Shoniqua only lives a few doors down on the same floor in the same building as I. So what a better opportunity to introduce my two dearest friends to each other? I immediately poured myself another drink, finished up my cooking and somersaulted my way over to her apartment. I knocked on the door with glass in hand. She opened up the door and before I could even see what was going on, Shoniqua blindfolded me (P.S. The kerchief she used looked suspiciously familiar to the top Mariah Carey wore in her "Loverboy" music video, YouTube that later!). She grabbed my hand (the one without the booze) and guided me over to her kitchen table as she was apparently preparing some delicious treat for the three of us (her, myself, and Svedka). I removed the blindfold to reveal so many things that I was completely overwhelmed. First of all, Shoniqua was dressed in a pink little satin number with white lace at the top complete with red pumps! This was very embarrassing as I was wearing a track suit with our company logo on it. What a disaster! This is the problem with men, we don't think about the details! Sure, we're just friends, but I needed to recognize that it was Valentine's Day and I needed to step it up as her Brown friend! Along her hall was a trail of white rose pedals that went from the door leading all the way into the bathroom towards the tub. Her bathroom was decorated with candles all over (including a Menorah which threw me off a little), a bottle of Chardonnay in a bucket of ice, beautiful music playing and the piece de resistence, the bathtub filled with bubbles, grapefruit essential oils, and of course the rest of the white rose pedals and a rubber ducky (I think the same one R. Kelly uses to lure Black children). I took one look inside this absolutely beautifully decorated environment and all I could think was "Why is she wasting this on someone who doesn't like vaginas?". Don't get me wrong. I LOVED it! I just felt like it would be nice if once you do something so nice for someone on this special day that she could at least get some good fellatio out of it, you know? However, regardless of the fact that only mere good friends would share such a romantic evening I played along as the sexy Brown Canadian lover and hopped into the suds with my Chardonnay. I got in very slowly as to not to get stabbed by the dradle (I assumed there was a dradle to match the Menorah, I thought there was some sort of Jewish subtext to the evening I wasn't aware of, I was slightly disappointed not to find a dradle in my bum). At this point, I really threw in the towel and completely cheated on my Svedka when I was offered a glass of the delicious Chardonnay. The worst part is, I enjoyed the wine so much! It's one thing to cheat on your liquor of choice but it's quite another to thoroughly like it! At that point, I was too relaxed and feeling too wonderful to care. I enjoyed chocolate and wonderful conversation with my streaker in crime! It took everything in me not to fart inside the tub. I contracted my situation as hard as I could and I held her in. It's important to be respectable and not fart OR poop in the bathtub when someone else is in it. Obviously if you're by yourself either is acceptable. After a long and incredibly relaxing display of nudity I removed myself from the warm soapy bowl of wonder and dried myself off with a red towel Shoniqua had set aside for me. The next logical place for two people to head was the boudoir. It's interesting how even though the last time I saw a vagina was the day I was born I still find some way to fall into convention. I had decided that on account of us being unable to engage in sexual behavior it was important for me find some way to return the favor of her being so generous and thoughtful. I decided to give her a massage. I tried to be as thorough as possible going from head to toe excluding the no-no place obviously. I gave my wonderful friend a kiss on the cheek and made my grand exit in my track suit.

        The next day I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a pick-up truck driven by Rosie O' Donnell. Once I arrived at work I was informed that she had woken up feeling the same. I've spent the entire pondering what this was on account of. I have now determined that it was not the Chardonnay or Svedka that caused this. Clearly it was the grapefruit! Citrus fruits can be real skanks! I also pondered on the fact that I had spent a romantic Valentine's Day with someone without testicles. I think ultimately my vagina-dominated evening was a gift from Jesus (perhaps trying to persuade me to be interested in vaginas). I was so fortunate to not be bestowed with the stress of knowing I would have to not only impress a mate but have to perform the horizontal mambo afterward! Instead, I had an opportunity to be wined and dined by my dearest friend knowing that even had I farted in the bathtub it only would've led to an amazingly embarrassing conversation the next day at work! So I encourage you all that on Valentine's Day 2012 to call your best friend, invite them over, and just be naked for a time period not to exceed 4 hours. And if you do enter the tub, DO NOT fart if it's not your tub! If it's yours, then it's really up to you how much you value your relationship. I've decided that this will be theme coming up for all future February 14ths! Valentine's Day with a Naked Friend! So I cheers to you! Happy Valentine's Day! May your day be filled with a plethora of genitalia!

P.S. In regards to my problem with choosing between Chardonnay and Svedka. All I can I say is....that's why God gave us TWO hands! Cheers! HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANA!

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