Pole Dancing for Jesus

             My interest in cable has slowly diminished over the years. Since the American Election '08 came to crashing end, I have not felt the emotional need to delve into any channel in particular. It was so exciting watching television during that time that Obama and Hilary dominated the waves! It was the first time in history that a Black man beat a White woman without going to jail! Television hasn't been the same since. Thus I have no cable whatsoever nor internet (I write my blogs at the public business centre in my building). I do not feel out of the loop in current events because I frequently pick up left newspapers on the train and occasionally visit Perez Hilton's website. In combination, these two things keep me more than abreast on the issues and happenings of the United States, Canada, and all over the world! However, I briefly had a moment of cable craving when I came across something horrifyingly delightful a few weeks ago. I was actually at work and the television was on during one of our breaks. FOX News ran a story that was titled "Christian Pole Dancing". Immediately I felt the hair on the back of my head and vagina stand on end! This was the gift from baby Jesus that my blog has been waiting for!

       Speaking of Jesus, the pole dancers apparently are dancing in the purpose of celebrating Him. Specifically, this is a class for Christian women to celebrate the Lord through spinning their vaginas on a heavily lubricated pole juxtaposed with "contemporary Christian music" in the background. This particular class is offered indeed through a Christian church right here in Texas in a town called Old Town Spring. I would like to spend some time and focus on the visual here. Despite these "dancers" performing to Christian music, we need to focus on the fact that these Christ-devoted people are spreading their legs and winding down a long hard metal shaft that's attached from the floor to the ceiling. There are implications in such a visual (especially when considering menopausal women performing such acts) that suggest that Christian Pole Dancing perhaps may not be the most Christ-like activity. I didn't know that spreading your coochie was the same as Communion.

      As I watched this exposé unravel on Fox News I was absolutely mortified and endlessly tickled to endless tears of laughter. They actually showed footage of these middle-aged Texan Christians flipping upside down and writhing against poles set to traditional non-secular hymns! The contradiction was almost too much to handle! I came to find out in further research that these pole dancing bible thumpers sight a specific biblical proverb: Psalm 149:3: "Let them praise His name with dancing; Let them sing praises to Him with timbrel and lyre." What a pile of bullshit. You cannot refer to pole gyration as dancing! Even air humping is less blasphemous! I really have a feeling that Jesus does NOT  appreciate middle-aged and elderly women in stretch pants bending over and opening their legs farther than required for a gynecological exam! These people are obviously using a Christian proverb to justify their non-Christian acts which clearly represent a need for something that they are repressing! I have no problem with pole dancing! I think it's an amazing talent to be able to tongue-tie your vagina around a pole, I really do! In fact, I think they need to have a separate category at the Teen Choice Awards for "Best Vagina-Flip by a Pole Dancer"! I think we need to really promote pole dancing to teenagers in order to fully satisfy the market and the world's need for public gyration.

          It should be noted that I am indeed not the first critic of this atrocious event. Ms. Crystal Dean, an avid Christian, and apparently amazing pole-dancing instructor told FOX News that an adversary came to one of the classes, banged on the door and threw a bible at her! I suppose he hadn't read the previous proverb I had quoted. Perhaps, like me, it was less his Christian concerns of the act and more about consideration of gravity. At the point in your life when your breasts hang below your belly-button truly is a time when you should consider not dancing provocatively in public. Look at Liza Minelli! I'm just sayin.

          Personally, I can fully understand why Christian women feel the need to pole dance. If I was forbidden to swear, drink excessively, or occasionally fool around with people of the same gender I would absolutely start pole dancing! What else is left?! However, to lie about your intentions and pretend you're doing it in the name of Jesus is absolute bullshit! Clearly, these women do not get very much time out of the house and need some form of release from an overly traditional and sheltered lifestyle. And that's fine! Just be honest about it. And if you truly loved Jesus, you wouldn't lie about it! Mr. Christ must be so pissed right now at the thousands of American women whom are pretending to wave their vagina in a circle around a pole in his name! I cannot believe the arrogant attitude these people have to believe that their pole dancing activity can be in anyone's interest besides the pole! What's next? Blowjobs for Jesus! Oy Vey!