Sky Mall #2 (My Trip to Belize)

         Flying has always been an over dramatic ordeal. Since my first flight at 4 years old from Vancouver to Toronto when I jumped out of my seat and like a bull in a China shop I darted down the aisle and managed to knock over a flight attendant, I have never been the same. As I've become older I have resisted the temptation to wrestle strangers to the floor, yet the feeling of being overwhelmingly uncomfortable and concerned for my safety has not subsided. Thankfully, I have found a way to successfully cope with these feelings: alcohol. I discovered that drinking alone can simply resolve most of my problems. What I didn't realize is that in the case of flying, there are alternate remedies that when combined with alcohol not only make flying more tolerable but actually enjoyable. This little beacon of light is a little something called Sky Mall! This ridiculous in flight magazine takes advantage of the alcoholics on board. In their state of inebriation this magazine caters towards a flyer's every ridiculous need. The products are absolutely absurd. Once I've had a few drinks, Sky Mall becomes the most entertaining thing since Bananas in Pajamas. On my latest trip to Belize, Sky Mall absolutely delivered the goods! Here are some examples of the products sold in the latest issue of American Airlines' Sky Mall magazine!


The Slanket (Camouflage for Men)

"Stay cozy and keep your hands free in 13'' wide sleeves" says the advertisement. Yeah, stay cozy and SINGLE for the rest of your bloody life! What the hell is this abomination? This is the most atrocious article of clothing (if I can even call it that) that I have ever seen! The saddest part is that this also comes in a Siamese version where two people fit into one slanket! I immediately lunged for the sick bag located in the seat in front of me when I saw this monstrosity.
        
       
Hanukkah Tree Topper

This is "a must have for interfaith marriages". This is of course a Jewish star cleverly designed to fit a top of a Christmas tree. It is also referred to as a "Menorahment". Need I say more?

Video Pen

Ray J did just fine with a regular camera. There is clearly no need for this ridiculous "invention". The era of James bond is over and so is involuntary pornography!


The Original Crispy Bowl


This ingenious contraption separates the milk from the cereal so that each bite is deliciously crisp. Unless it takes you 5 days to finish your breakfast, I would suggest you save your $19.99 and just eat your Cinnamon Toast Crunch at an expedient pace.

Personal Oxygen Bar

An epidemic of oxygen deficiency has swept the nation. With the rejuvenating oxygen bar with turbo air flow, you can enjoy breathing clean, fresh, oxygen-enriched air anytime! The device also comes with a built in tranquil sounds music player! Yours for $499.99!

Flair Hair Visor

Men of the world, PLEASE just give in and sport the Sinead O'Conner look for the second half of your life span rather than wearing some ridiculous looking porcupine attached to a visor on top of your withering head! The ad instructs those who purchase the item to machine wash; air dry. Oy vey!


Fashion Boot Stand

At first glance, I thought this was the latest sexual device invented for women with Grand Canyon sized vaginas. I have come to find out that these phallic looking stuffed animals are made to be inserted into your boot to maintain the integrity of its shape. "Ends are angled for simple insertion" says the advertisement which lead me back to my original idea about the sexual possibilities of this product. Available in six colors.

Litter Robot Bubble Unit

This is a self cleaning litter box that activates 7 minutes after the feline leaves the contraption (using laser sensors). The machine sucks the waste through the debris into a hidden drawer leaving the "globe" fresh and clean. Just pray that poor Ms. Fluffy doesn't re-enter the box during a false alarm and accidentally gets sucked into the litter box, never to return!  May I also mention the fact that the feline in the advertisement appears to be quite bewildered by the fact that she is about to be launched into space. Yours for $359.99 (+$15 S&H)


Toilet Dog and Cat Waterbowl

"A hilarious conversation starter and pet pleaser". Really? I don't think it will be funny when your dumbass dog or cat becomes completely confused as to whether or not he/she is supposed to be drinking out of the toilet. You are just asking for trouble with this hideous idea of an inside joke!


The Upside Down Prelit Noble Fir Christmas Tree

The advertisement claims that a tree in its upside down orientation displays ornaments more visibly. I wasn't able to read any further into the ad on account of my crying and involuntarily shaking while laughing hysterically. Could you imagine having that in your house while people are over? My Grandmother would punch me in the face if I had that on display.


The Marshmallow Shooter
 
This device holds 25 edible marshmallows at a time. I am certain that I would need a minimum of ten shots of Goldschlager before I would ever find this contraption amusing.


The Bling String Hair Accessories

Two words: GHE-TTO!


Kenzie Covers

Show your patriotism and defend against potentially deadly gases at the same time! There's nothing that says "I love America!" more than sporting the nation's flag on your hazard mask while visiting a relative with a contagious disease or painting an accent wall.


Cast Iron Giraffe Paper Holder

I must confess that I would be the fool that would buy something this ridiculous.



Sock Monkey Hat and Mittens

The happy expression on this woman's face brings me great concern. Unless she's getting royalties for this bullshit, she has no reason to be smiling! And may I just ask, why in the Hell would anybody where this shit? Marijuana must be involved.


Dress Up Squirrel Magnets

$9.95 gets you one small squirrel figurine with a magnet on its ass for refrigerator attachment and 5 additional outfits representing different time periods. Should I ever become senile enough to purchase something like this, please put me in a rest home and buy me an endless supply of Grey Goose and a puppy.


         Ultimately I didn't end up buying any of these useless products. Yet, even without a purchase, each item brought me so much joy to my heart! I knew that Young Diva was off in another section of the plane cackling along with me. She has been enjoying Sky Mall magazine longer than I. What amazes me is that there are people who will actually buy such atrocious contraptions. I've decided that I need to invent men's undergarments with a special attachment cleans, skins, and de-bones saltwater fish. Clearly it would make a killing in the next addition of Sky Mall magazine! I landed in Belize with a smile on my face. Although I did slightly regret not buying the toilet paper holding giraffe.

Drunk On A Plane (My Trip To Belize)

             Welcome to the first of several installments of my blog series concerning my trip to Belize! Over the next week, I will be taking you step by step along my adventure with my co-workers to a far away land in Central America. In order to best inform you and include you in the hilarity, I must give you an overview of all the characters that will be mentioned on this trip. Several of these people have been blogged about previously. Please allow me to give you a recap of the idiosyncrasies of each of my delightfully colorful co-workers who joined me on this business adventure to Belize:

Applebum is a graduate of THE Ohio State University. She has a tukkus that looks like two Grannysmith apples in a wrestling match. Her short temper and quick wit are the most likely causes of your diarrhea.

Banana Tree is a Belize native, so he played double roles as both company member and tour guide. He has an adorable accent and dark chocolate covered skin. Imagine a raisinet that talks like Shaggy.

Caramel Barbie is exactly as the name denotes with the added bonus of a faux-hawk in the shade of a Strawberry starburst. Like an evergreen tree, Caramel Barbie is ageless.

Shoniqua is my longtime Caucasian friend who's ass clearly thinks she's Black.

Michelin Man is a company veteran. He has been a part of the organization for over 35 years and has grown to be the size of a small meteor. Any time I am need of shade from the sun, I know exactly where to go.

Evangeline has previously been referred to as the naked vegetable stealer. She is currently in a very serious relationship with my room mate whom she met on Match.com.

Charlie Brown, previously referred to as Buckwheat, has recently undergone a pretty amazing physical transformation. While slimming out his midsection, he has managed to maintain his medicine ball ass which could easily double as a coffee table. This is truly a feat I wish I could master.

Earth Mother, like most mothers, has a plethora of talents including but not limit
ed to: doctor, psychiatrist, police woman, therapist, thug, minister, and a comfortable lap to place my head on when I'm feeling down.

Daddy Long Legs, aka Green Bean, is a native of the District of Columbia. He has an adorably round tukkus that sits perched high above his giraffe like stems for legs. If Dallas became infested with Komodo dragons, I would certainly seek out his torso for refuge.

Naomi is a  man for the majority of the time but occasionally will morph into his alter-ego which is reminiscent of a certain super model (and/or Ru Paul). He is my room mate when my company travels. He is an alcoholic. We get along great.

Tuscaloosa, named after the city he is from, even though he claims to be from Atlanta, is a walking dichotomy. He has a wife and child at home yet seems to have these random moments of "queening out" as the kids say. It's like he has Turret's syndrome in the style of Clay Aiken. He has a pillow that looks like a ferret. Need I say more?

B More, also named after the city she is from, truly has an amazing lower body. Her calves are like chocolate tangerines. She also possesses the talent of making her own weaves. Her work is unbeweaveable.

Pilar is the Mexican.

Young Diva is my boss. She is the chocolate version of Vanna White. With a big pearly white smile and highly presentational demeanor, you would really think that she is the sweetest person ever. And she is. However, I always get this feeling that at any moment she is going to cut me with a knife. And I'm not talking about a butter knife. I mean a really sharp one from Williams & Sanoma.

Queen Jemima is my boss's boss; the big cheese! She has the ultimate power to cut off my paycheck at any given moment which why it is imperative that she be happy at every moment. She has an incessant habit of hitting her employees; this usually comes in the form of a back handed slap across the chest or mid thoracic spine (depending on your height). She also has a deep affinity for tracksuits.


           With the introductions out of the way, I can now begin my story which starts out, of course, at the airport. Now, if you have read previous blogs, you are well aware of the fact that I get what is referred to as "flyer's diarrhea" which is an epidemic sweeping across this great nation. There's something about the idea of a ten thousand pound machine floating over the Caribbean sea carrying hundreds of innocent passengers including yours truly that just makes my bowels loosen like Pamela Anderson around a football team. Needless to say, it requires well-timed and copious drinking to fully prepare myself for take off. The flight was departing at 5:30am. I was getting a ride from Young Diva, whom also lives in my building, and she suggested we meet at 3:15am. This was perfect for me. This would leave ample drinking time! I would simply begin my first libation around 7pm and keep the party going for 8 hours until I left! Perfect! I decided to begin with a chocolate martini or two or seven (which of course I prepare in my own home) and I would simply sip on that ho until all my bags were packed. Next, I moved on to three or four delicious cosmopolitans while I emptied the refrigerator of all perishable items that could not fit in the freezer and clearly would not be moldless by the time I returned to America. Lastly, I finished with a simple vodka cranberry cocktail which remained perched next to the bathroom sink while manscaping my pubic region to successfully to adapt to the needs of my newly purchased mankini (ie. a man's bikini). I had several additional mixed beverages on my way out the door with my neon pink suitcase in hand. I met Young Diva in the lobby and she kindly drove the two of us to the airport.

          Although I had some difficulty walking in a straight line once we arrived at the terminal, I did my very best to hold it together in front of Young Diva considering the fact that she is my boss. As I waddled my way into the airport, I managed to pull out my itinerary and insert the encrypted code into the self check-in kiosk. Clearly the Indian attendant standing on the side thought I was retarded (perhaps on account of my incessant staggering) and led me step by step through the process. After I printed my boarding pass, I met up with Applebum and helped her check a bag. She noticed immediately that I was beyond inebriated and began laughing uncontrollably at my unfortunate behaviour which was only about to get worse. I was behind Applebum while going through security. It's always a good idea to be behind her as to get the best view possible of the Grannysmith apples in action. I was quite disappointed to be separated from Applebum when I was directed to a separate line to place all of my belongings on the conveyor belt. I removed my belt, shoes, jacket, wallet, keys, and loose change (everything but my virginity) into the plastic blue bin and proceeded to wait to be called through the metal detector. I noticed, in my state of drunkenness, a small backpack perched upon the person in front of me. On it, there was a name tag that said "Jane". That was all the information I needed to entertain myself. "JANE!" I exclaimed with the up most enthusiasm! The stranger turned around, took one look at me, and without missing a beat said "I don't know you." and turned back around. What a bitch! I couldn't believe that she wouldn't even entertain, not even for a moment at 4 o'clock in the morning, that she might possibly know me. I knew her name for Christ's sake! The only thing that I can conclude to was the obvious fact that she has no thin friends and thus ruled out the possibility of knowing me immediately. I turned to look over at Applebum in the line adjacent to the one I was standing in, only to see her shaking her head in disbelief and shame. She was still laughing, and that's all that mattered. I made my way through, after Jane, into this new strange circular device they now have at airports to determine whether or not you have an AK47 in your vagina. I walked into the contraption, separated my legs like Kim Kardashian in the men's room at the Apollo as the invisible laser beams scanned my body for drugs, guns, and any of Osama bin Laden's offspring. Once they had confirmed that I was not smuggling any salmonella infected Mexican tomatoes into the Caribbean, they let me through. As I made my way towards the gate I was greeted by the rest of the company: Banana Tree, Shoniqua, Evangeline, Michelin Man, Earth Mother, Daddy Long Legs, Pilar, Charlie Brown, B More, Tuscaloosa, and Naomi. Each person more sleepy than next (a theme that develops well into the Belize trip) during the wee hours of the morning. I, however, was in party mode just ready for my next drink! This was exactly where I needed to be, completely aloof of the fact that I was about to board the death ship (my term I use for an airplane).

            As I waited patiently for the McDonald's in the airport to open, the last missing piece of the puzzle showed up. There she was in all her glory, Queen Jemima. My boss arrived to the airport in a black crushed velvet tracksuit completely covered rhinestones with a matching hat. I had to pray to keep from crying. To make matters worse, she emphasizes that as a company we must always be presentable when on business trips EVEN at the airport, and especially on international trips. So there she was, looking like the Grandmother of a Flava Flav contestant, flagged me down to say hello. On previous trips, she has stopped me in the airport to borrow cash from me in an effort to most efficiently purchase her favorite magazine of all time: Black Enterprise. She is in her seventies, so I try very hard to give her the up most respect. She gave me my job after all. But it is very difficult not to laugh at someone who looks like a Christmas present for Ru Paul. Thank God she only stopped me to stay hello. If any further conversation had followed, my cover as a raging alcoholic would have been blown.

           Once the McDonald's opened, pandemonium was about to ensue. You see, Daddy Long Legs and Charlie Brown, have a very abusive relationship with food, especially Charlie Brown. His violent interactions with fast food establishments are worse than a Chris Brown and Rihanna reunion. So when the restaurant did not open at 5am as it had been advertised, Charlie Brown was ready to bust a cap in somebody's ass. When the poor little Mexican cashier at McDonald's said "We open at five" (of course she couldn't pronounce the "v" part of "five"), this sent Charlie Brown into a tailspin of emotions. "WELL IT'S FIVE O FIVE RIGHT NOW!" he said as his head was about to explode. I immediately thought about seeking refuge in a garbage can to avoid the inevitable World War III that was about to take place behind the closed gates of the McDonald's at the International Airport in Dallas, Texas. But in my state of drunkenness I decided that it would be too much work for me to go to the effort of hiding myself. Even if I could successfully conceal my whereabouts inside a trash can, I would surely be discovered by my inevitable hiccups on account of the 8 previous hours of continuous, consistent drinking. Finally the little Mexican (clearly Pilar's relative) opened the gate and served Charlie Brown, Daddy Long Legs, a few other customers, and myself.

           As the time drew closer to departure, I made my way back to the gate. Not too far along did I run into Caramel Barbie who mysteriously had strings hanging from her outfit. Upon closer investigation I discovered that she was wearing a black corset. Here's how the full outfit went down. I'll start at the bottom and work my way up. She wore black shiny boots with a high heel, TIGHT (or "snatched" as the kids say) black pants, a black button dress shirt with pressed collar, black vest with a corset waist, and a black painter's hat to match. I should also mention that the face was slightly painted. I don't think I've ever seen someone look so glamorous at the airport, especially not at the 5 o'clock in the morning! Although, I must say that I have heard rumors that along with being ageless like an evergreen tree that Caramel Barbie also is an insomniac. She barely sleeps. Perhaps this explains the time that she has allotted to fully undergo a fashion transformation for any given event no matter how casual and no matter at what hour.

            Once they finally began boarding the plane, I was truly feeling my 10th alcoholic beverage. It took all of the will I had inside me and also Jesus to make it to my seat. Have you ever had so much to drink that you literally had to FORCE your eyes to stay open wide enough to read something. This coupled with the ridiculously small print written on my boarding pass proved to be quite an effortful scenario with me  making a struggling attempt to properly locate my seat. Thank God I had the wherewithal to tell the Indian attendant when putting in my record locater into the kiosk to place me in a seat as far away from the other members in the company as possible. This lead my drunk ass free to be as inappropriately belligerent as I felt fit. Jane was sitting a few rows ahead of me. "JANE!" I yelled one more time. No response. I sat down and awaited my favorite part of the flying experience (which ironically comes right before the worst part of the flying experience; takeoff!). My ultimate most enjoyable part of flying is of course the flight attendants. These women are like floating synchronized swimmers complete with  Russian Red lipstick and make up so thick it doubles as sunblock. Naturally I was hideously disappointed by the fact that the people at American Airlines geniusly decided that an electronic version of the instructions on how to properly vacate an aircraft was more suitable. I was devastated. There was nothing left to do but to fall asleep. As the engine started  I knew that I needed to be passed out by the time the airplane pointed diagonally towards heaven. I figured this wouldn't prove to be difficult considering that I drank so much alcohol that I practically slipped myself a ruffie. Just as my eyelids began to assemble, I saw, through my blurred vision, a beacon of light. There it was. SKYMALL! There is no way I could have imagined the ridiculous products that were to be advertised in the latest addition of this airborne catalogue. Stay tuned......

Falling Asleep On Strangers

             Unintentional is the best word to describe what is happening during the event of falling asleep on someone you don't know. Unfortunate is the best word to describe what is happening when you are the unlucky bastard who discovers that someone has fallen asleep on you whom you do not know. The combination of my workaholic syndrome and incessant drinking has occasionally led to a series of unfortunate situations that involved meeting someone new in a manner not preferred with said situation usually ending in a bitch slap. This series of events was particularly apparent in New York City. The citizens of the Big Apple are already overworked, tired, and drunk to ease the pain of being overworked and tired. I, of course, was exponentially affected by this epidemic because of the fact that I am already all of those things. New York City amplified my insomnia and alcoholism to a new level. Couple this amplification with 24 hour public transportation and you  have a recipe for disaster.

          During those 3 years in New York, I believe I fell asleep on 4 different unfortunates. Looking back, I have noticed that I have a tendency to fall asleep on Black women; angry ones. I remember quite vividly the first time this happened. What makes this story even more tragic is that it happened during the daytime. It's slightly understandable to fall asleep on the train during the night (a regular occurrence for me usually resulting in my entire body being catapulted to the floor during a sudden screeching halt somewhere in New Jersey). But to fall asleep on another human being while on public transportation during broad daylight is about as acceptable as Pamela Anderson being awarded the Pulitzer Prize for her efforts in her 2004 book "Star" in which she details the necessary preparation for intercourse in the back vagina. To make matters worse, I wasn't even drunk the first time I fell asleep on a stranger (it was daytime after all). I couldn't be like Jamie Foxx and blame it on the alcohol (Side note! Why does Jamie Foxx say in the song "Take a shot of Nuvo"? What kind of straight person takes a shot of Nuvo? It's like the equivalent of Robitussin, not even the extra strength.).

            Even though I fell asleep on this random Black woman, whom I will refer to as Monifah, I can put back together the pieces from my memory of how it all went down, albeit slightly in a haze. What I do remember is being very tired and on the A Train on my way back home. I was going to school in Manhattan and upon moving to NYC I had brilliantly sought out a place to live way out by JFK airport. I am truly a mastermind of decision making. This caused my commute to be well over an hour especially in rush hour and even more so if the trains were running local (making my self diagnosed IBS even more precarious to deal with, but that's another blog). I had just finished a long fulfilling day at school and was on my way home in the late afternoon. I had done a very good job of making it about two thirds of my journey on the train without collapsing. I remained poised in my seat on the crowded subway car. About 15 stops in I began fading like Courtney Love. I tried to keep it together. I concentrated with all my might to keep my torso erect. I thought the best solution would be to just simply rest my head on the window behind me (perhaps I should explain that on NYC subway cars, the seats are situated along the periphery of the train in a rectangle shape which allows you the option of resting your head on the wall/window behind you and also allows you to stare uncomfortably at the person seated across from you along the other wall). This proved to be about as brilliant as a decision as it was to live next to the airport. At some point I fell asleep of course, yet I believe to have had a slightly out of body experience. Even though I was asleep, I could somehow feel and see myself beginning to lean ever so slightly like the tower of Pisa only to return to neutral. It's like I was fighting myself to not fall over. I kept swaying to and fro (only to the left) constantly negotiating between the precarious moment of falling and in an upright position. After several minutes passed, I finally entered into a dangerous part of my R.E.M. cycle and in one motion I gingerly dipped all the way over landing my bald bi-racial head into an angry Black woman's lap.

           This is the part of the story where things took an ugly turn. I am still confused as where the anger living inside of this African-American woman came from. Has Monifah always been angry or did my head landing on her drumstick cause her anger. I will never know the truth unless of course Monifah is reading this blog right now (HEY GIRL!). What I do know is by the time I woke up, Monifah was heated! Now to be clear, she woke ME up! So as I found myself in deep slumber in a cocoa butter scented lap, I woke to the sensation of my head being tossed ever so gingerly to the other side of the train. I was slightly alarmed of course. Before I could get my bearings or even feel any embarrassment I heard "You fall asleep on my one mo time and I'm gone slap you in the face!". "I'm SO sorry Monifah! I've had a really long day and I just can't seem to get my life together. I just wanna go home and grab my drink. I promise I won't do it again. Please don't cut me!" would have been my chosen response. In all of my Canadian-ness I simply chose to run away as fast as possible to the opposite side of the train. For the record, I did not get cut.

               Several times over I kept falling asleep on Black women; all angry. I'm not sure what it is that comforts me. I really do think it's the intoxicating scent of the cocoa butter. What is interesting to me is that when the situation reversed itself the outcome was very different. I have no one to blame except karma because obviously I had this shit coming my way. I remember being on the train perfectly awake during the day (I must have taken a Red Bull) when suddenly a White man was lying in my lap. He had an incredibly large, egg-shaped head and he was snoring. "Isn' this magical?" I said to myself. My first instinct was to pretend that nothing was wrong (very Canadian of me). This proved to be somewhat difficult considering I was on public transportation during rush hour. However, this was NYC after all and the one thing you can always count on is the fact that people really do not give a shit about the crazy things they see as those types of things are in abundance in the Big Apple. However, I still had the predicament of the bowling ball resting on top of my femurs. How was I supposed to get this large man off of me without getting punched in the face? Obviously I was attracted to falling asleep on angry Black women. Was my non-abrasive aroma combined with Old Spice enough to make an angry White man fall asleep on me? This had never happened to me before. I was worried he would be hostile. I considered petting him but then reneged on account of him having so little hair. Then I thought about making one foul swoop by very quickly and undetectably sliding out from underneath him. I would time it exactly when the doors opened so that by the time his enormous head hit the seat and after he got his bearings together I would have been long gone. I, again, had to reconsider because I knew even if I got out alive that Jesus would pay me back three fold. I had to come up with a new plan. This is when God spoke to me. God said, "Hey jackass! Tap the bitch on the shoulder and tell him to get the fuck up off of you. Ho!". Okay, so maybe it wasn't God, but it was good advice none the less. Of course I took my own Canadian interpretation of this. I leaned into his ear very slowly. I whispered "hey......hey......white man......this is my stop so i need you to stop sleeping on me please". He didn't budge. I must have been speaking too quietly. I tried again slightly louder to no avail. The third time I spoke a little louder than normal volume. I didn't want to start yelling because the last thing I needed to do was draw attention to my unfortunate situation. I needed to be the first person to blog about this after all. Unfortunately, White man still would not wake up. Truthfully, I was several stops away from my destination so I just decided to wait it out. I remained still as to not disturb his slumber. In my effort to no longer awake the bastard, I actually almost fell asleep myself until I felt the gentle grazing of hair plugs against my thighs. I felt like a mini cactus was being pressed down on my legs with a rolling pin. The man made several grumblings, scratched his head (the bald part), and then slowly maneuvered his torso to an upright position. He glanced at me, confused, and resumed his position of facing forward without saying a word. I couldn't believe it. How can you fall asleep on someone and not be apologetic in the least bit. This was crazy! At least I had handled my unfortunate situation of disturbing angry Black women with some humility and consideration. I don't even get a hello! I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman; completely taken advantage of (without lubrication)!

           Although I do not personally recommend or condone the idea of sleeping on an individual whom you do not know, I would say that it's important to try it at least once. I do believe that it can be a good way to meet someone as long as you are certain to start the conversation regardless of whether you are the sleeper or the human-sofa. It is a miracle that I am even alive after the billions of Black women I have used as ebony cushions and the countless White business men who I have witnessed horizontal on my lap on public transportation. Although it was a struggle to go through these horrific events, I am a better person for having experienced embarrassment and humiliation. I only hope that the next person who falls asleep in my lap is someone of African-American descent with a lot of hair. At least I will have something to braid to make the time go by faster.

                                      

Me Vs. Dental Floss

          Dental floss and I have always had a precarious relationship. Since my recent (and long overdue) dental appointment, I have been forced to reconnect with this bitch of a string. The idea of inserting thread between my choppers sounds about as appealing as a bath with my Grandfather. However, I have always committed (albeit inconsistently) to flossing because of Ellen Degeneres's strong avocation of the activity. I trust lesbians; their haircuts are just so sincere. Up until my dental appointment, I had apparently been flossing my teeth incorrectly. I had simply pulled the string back and forth between each tooth holding one end outside of my mouth and the other inside. I thought that was sufficient. Apparently not. I have learned since that I am supposed to suspend either end of the string around both sides of one tooth and pull the string back and forth to most thoroughly remove plaque around the gum area. This is some bullshit. What did the cavemen do? How did those bastards survive? Did they use weeds in the same manner? For Christ's sake! This absolutely absurd idea of flossing is completely unrealistic. Yet, I subscribed to it anyway considering the fact that I have 4 cavities that are only getting worse by the minute. So alas, I have attempted to floss correctly. Unfortunately I have failed miserably. Here's how the shit went down last Friday.

           I fully understand the idea of forking over some extra pennies for brand names when it comes to important items like multi-vitamins, microwaves, and tampons. However, I refuse to pay $3.53 for a brand name tiny box of dental floss when I can buy that ho at the 99 cents store! I mean seriously, how can there be any difference between that 50 foot white string and the one that comes with "Colgate" on the front? Apparently, much is different! Previously, when performing my toddler version of flossing, the cheap suggestion of dental floss worked sufficiently. However, with my new and improved technique, the cheap strands would not be able to survive what they were about to endure, unbeknownst to me of course. With a positive attitude in mind, I pledged forward with my new found awareness of flossing. I pulled the strand with both hands until taught and slipped it behind my front left tooth (the big one) and held each end of the string outside of my mouth. I began to simply pull on each end one at a time: right, left, right and then left. I kept working my way slowly around the periphery of my gigantic mouth. I began congratulating myself (too early as it were) on my accomplishment of thoroughly removing the plaque around my gums and thus defeating the evil bitch, gingivitis. It was not until I made it to my back molar on the left side that things began to take a turn for the worst. I slipped the floss behind the tooth and began to sway it to and fro as I had done on all of my previous choppers. I continued the motion several times before things came to a screeching halt. The little bitch was stuck! I could not move the floss. Clearly the devil was involved. At that moment, I realized that this wasn't going to be pretty. I immediately prayed that I wouldn't end up like Amy Winehouse.

          The first step in solving a problem is to accept the fact that there is a problem. This took a few moments. I was in complete disbelief that this tiny piece of dental floss was stuck in my mouth like a Kylie Minogue single in my mind. Furthermore, it seemed more than slightly preposterous that my teeth were so tightly knit that a glossy piece of string could not gingerly slide through. There certainly was enough moisture in there. My glands create so much saliva, you would think I was trying to be the next Paris Hilton. But alas, I had to eventually (after several minutes of grievance and utter disbelief) accept the fact that Jesus had thrown me a curve ball. With few options at my disposal, the first method I thought of was to frantically tug on each end of the string hoping that the sheer strength of the pull would force the floss through gap between the two teeth. This, of course, ended badly. The string broke, not on one, but both ends! So there I was with two frayed ends of dental floss hanging out of my face. With each growing moment I found the pressure in my mouth to become more unbearable by the second.  How I even manage to get the floss in this tiny Pamela Anderson's vagina tight space is still a mystery to me. Now, my only option left was of course to panic. I immediately turned into Linda Blair and began screaming. I started digging into the back of my mouth with my fingernails clawing away at what was left of the floss. Flashbacks of the movie "Saw" came flooding through my mind. The disturbingly low and evil voice said:

"INSIDE YOUR MOUTH IS THE KEY TO YOUR LIFE! ON THE BACK OF EACH TOOTH, A CODE IS WRITTEN THAT OPENS THE DOOR WHICH LEADS TO YOUR SAFETY! YOU MUST REMOVE EACH TOOTH WITH YOUR BARE HANDS IN ORDER TO RETRIEVE THAT CODE! IF YOU CANNOT CRACK THE CODE IN 60 SECONDS, A HIDDEN TRIGGER ATTACHED TO YOUR RETINA WILL DETONATE LEAVING YOU TO DIE A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH! CAN YOU ENDURE THE PAIN OF SELF-SACRIFICE TO LEAD YOURSELF TO FREEDOM! OR WILL YOU CRACK UNDER THE PRESSURE? HAVE YOU BITTEN OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW?"

           I really should pitch this idea to the creators of Saw. This could totally be the prequel. Anyways, I was in absolute agony trying to impossibly pull out the remaining floss that was stuck, jarred between my teeth. Crying quickly ensued, followed by screaming. Diarrhea also made a cameo appearance which at least distracted me from the impending doom occurring in my own mouth. After flushing and sanitizing of the hands I resumed to my position in my attempt to pry my mouth open to properly remove the floss. Then it hit me like Chris Brown; the perfect idea! If I simply took additional floss and forced it in, I could possibly use the new floss to push out the old floss. If it worked, I could buy a patent and call it the "Angelina Jolie technique"! I was so excited I could barely hold my excitement! So I pulled out a new shiny beacon of floss and began to double penetrate my own mouth (insert the second of two Pamela Anderson references here). Just like Pamela Anderson, I took it like a man and just shoved it in. The old floss popped right out! Success! My mouth was free of pain and over-occupancy. Thank Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! (in reverse order)

        I have learned my lesson. Never buy generic brands of dental floss! They will rape your mouth faster than Kobe Bryant (who would have been preferred over dental floss FYI). I have now upgraded to Oral B 3D White! This shit is off the chain bitches! I am telling you that this is the most amazing product since the Shake Weight (blog coming soon). I can barely hold back my erection when thinking about this amazing product. Oral B's 3D White dental floss glides into your teeth with the ease that Pamela Anderson's vagina would experience with only one penis. It's flexible, it's comfortable, and it leaves your teeth feeling only gently violated; just the perfect amount. I am so proud to endorse this new product. I hope you all take advantage. I am publicly taking responsibility for their new slogan. "Oral B's 3D White: Dental Floss, the floss that only rapes you a little bit....."

(UN)Happy Feet

         I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me (I awake with that thought often). But it seems that I got the short end of the stick when it comes to foot/head coordination. I have not met a person capable of falling up the stairs on a regular basis; I have mastered this talent. I also have a tendency to, on a consistent basis, to stub my toe. Somehow I always manage to stub the same toe making this ridiculous injury more annoying each time. Just when my bruise is on the up and up toward its enlightened path to healing is when Jesus thinks it funny to send a curb flying in its direction. That moment is one of the few which I reserve for incessant cursing. I do not curse on a regular basis, I choose only times where it is only most appropriate and classy. In my life I have had quite a slue of embarrassing foot injuries including (but not limited to) jumping and landing on my big toe (the same one I always stub), my current injury which is called a stone bruise, and even developing a severe case of osteomyelitis (a serious bone infection) in my toe which I assumed developed from my love/hate relationship with open-toed sandals. But today I would like to take you a few months to a very embarassing and silly time of my life. Only now has the trauma has finally worn off enough for me to even talk about it. I will tell you about the story of when I got glass in my toe and couldn't get it out. I will try and hold back on the swearing.

        Of course I don't even need to tell you which lucky toe had glass stuck in it. For Christ's sake, my right big toe is about as lucky as Kirstie Alley's nutritionist. Up until my unfortunate incident (which I am still unsure of how it happened) I had been hell bent on not wearing shoes or socks in my apartment; my personal tribute to K.D. Lang. My best guess is that on one drunken evening I must have been so inebriated from the copious amount of Polar Ice I had consumed that I must have been blithely unaware of the fact that I had stepped on the tiniest little shard of glass. I probably just kept it moving only to pass out on my twin sized piece of fluff (to refer to the mattress stuffed in the corner that I sleep on as a "bed" would be grossly inaccurate). I awoke the next morning and tiptoed my way to the commode (similarly to refer to that misfortune as my "bathroom" would be a joke...and not a funny one) when I felt a small prick in Big Lucky, the largest of toes on my right foot of course. Even though I had mostly sobered up by this point, I decided to ignore the pain because the it was so slight. I understand that Big Lucky has been through a lot in his life and probably just needed a little extra time to wake up; maybe he was just sore. I jumped in the shower, grabbed my Herbal Essences (which has most recently been upgraded to Dark 'N Lovely) and began washing the naps as usual. On occasion I felt what I could seriously only describe as mild discomfort in Big Lucky. I continued about my daily routine, brushing my teeth, flossing my gums, and covering my entire bi-racial body in Shea butter in hopes to become more African-American (Look Gepetto, I'm a real Negro!). As I made my way down the ridiculously long hallway in my apartment (which would be better described as a runway) I found my pace slowing down about 10 feet in. The slight discomfort in Big Lucky was becoming more and more annoying as I was making my naked entrance into the kitchen. Clearly, further inspection was required. I sat down on the concrete and took a quick peek at the bottom of my toe. Nothing seemed the problem. I couldn't find any cuts, scrapes, or wounds. Upon my discovery that seemingly there was nothing wrong I became further annoyed. "Listen you little SKANK!", I scolded Big Lucky, "I don't work my ass off 35 hours a week so you can screw with my daily routine you little bitch! You've given me trouble my whole life and I've just taken it like Pamela Anderson on a God damned boat! Now you listen here. If you don't start co-operating soon I'm gonna send you off to live with the Osmonds!". He seemed to respond well. I stood up and kept on strolling.

         I really feel that when you scold a child, pet, or random appendage that you really get the best results when you have done so in a Bill O'Reilly type tone. As I took a few steps forward I realized that my scolding had really done its job. I felt no pain. I made myself breakfast and took my multivitamin. I fell into the habit of almost taking two (like I do my Extra Strength Tylenol) and immediately spit one out. Thank God I dodged that bullet. I could have ended up like Amy Winehouse. After saving my own life, I made my way back to the bedroom to get dressed. I decided that today was not the day I would show up to work naked. I figured that I needed to wait sometime until I was a little higher up on the food chain so that my progressive act would be taken seriously by my co-workers. I also thought it would be best to wait until I have enough money to buy my own car before I go to work in the nude. I had no fear of riding public transportation with booty to the wind; people ride the New York City subway in their underwear all the time. But I hadn't heard of such an act done in Dallas and didn't want to be the guinea pig. As I  made my way back to the bedroom completely pain-free, I realized that I had a very strange rhythm to my walk. After I made it about 25 feet down the runway I realized that I was limping. "Who do I think I am, Master P?" I said to myself. I realized that I was accommodating the impending injury to Big Lucky. As I tried to re-adjust my posture and weight so I could walk like a normal human being who hasn't been recently paroled, I winced at the pain I felt yet again on my big right toe. Shit! Something was clearly wrong. I woke up my roommate Urkel (he gets the name from the striking resemblance to African-American 90s television character, Steve Urkel). You see, Urkel has one of those magic phones that can do anything. It can find directions to the Mexican border, scan grocery items to do comparative shopping, and I'm pretty sure it can even change your tampon. I knew Urkel would be capable of finding me a podiatrist and quickly. After several attempts which responded quickly with no availability and/or an answering machine I finally got a response. I asked the receptionist for the address, got in a cab, and was on my way. I was so pre-occupied with my self-concern that I did not pay attention to some very obvious signs that this place was slightly illegitimate. Upon reflection, I realized that I should have picked up on some very telling clues that this establishment may have been slightly less than par. Some of these clues, I realize now, were obvious even in my dealings with their staff on the phone. When I called the doctor's office, this is how the conversation with the receptionist went (we'll call her Consuela):

Consuela: Hello
Me: Hi, I'm not sure what is going on with my big toe but clearly there's an issue. I need to make an appointment. Things are only going to get worse.
Consuela: OK
Me: Do you have anything available today?
Consuela: Yes.
Me: So when can I come in?
Consuela: You can come now.
Me: Well.....Don't you need my name?
Consuela: Sure. What is it?


         I blocked out the rest of the conversation from my memory. I can't believe I didn't realize the ridiculousness of the situation before I got in that cab. How shady is it to not be asked any kind of information to make an appointment at a podiatrist's office that is not even part of a walk-in clinic? Once the cab pulled up to the street we had difficulty locating the address. We were on the correct block but both of us were having trouble finding the doctor's office. I checked the address again and looked up. Apparently we were right in front of it. I'll start with the outside and work my way in.

        I cannot make it clear enough that this was NOT a doctor's office! This could not pass for a drive-through bagel shop! This looked like the house from Hansel and Gretel (minus the candy). In fact, a few candy-canes hanging from the roof probably would have mildly distracted me from the horror I was witnessing visually. The truck that was parked outside lengthwise in front of the building was almost wider than the shack itself. I heard the cab speed away from behind me. I don't blame the little Paki. This whole situation was very Jeepers Creepers 3. As I slowly paced myself towards the "establishment" I was for a moment thankful of the fact that I was yet to nourish myself that morning making the inevitable diarrhea a less unfortunate onset. I maneuvered my way around the truck to end up in front of the entrance. Atop the roof there was a small clearly handwritten sign that said "Martin Luther King Foot Clinic" with a phone number at the bottom. "Well I sure hit the jackpot!", I thought, as I patted myself on the back. I assumed the MLK association was just a simple nod to the street it was on with the same name. This was an assumption that would be proven incorrect a few moments later. I  begrudgingly knocked on the door. Normally one would let oneself into a doctor's office but being that this was merely a trailer park posing as an office of podiatry, I felt it more appropriate to knock on the door and waited for someone to answer. I waited some time for a person to answer but to no avail. I shrugged my shoulders, took a deep breath, turned the knob and entered. Before I could even get one foot in the door I was immediately greeted by a cat. "Are you a licensed podiatrist?", I asked the feline. She, the little black ball of fluff, just stared at me. "Meow!" finally came out of little Pussywinkle's mouth after an awkward silence. The little bitch tiptoed her way inside the "office" so I followed suit. I closed the door behind me immediately in fear of the Pussywinkle making an escape. I was unsure as to whether or not Pussywinkle actually lived in the doctor's office but I was not going to risk the chance of being held responsible for losing someone's pussy (I learned that lesson the hard way when I was 11). I blocked my eyes from the unsightly vision that my eyes were bestowed with and turned directly toward the glass plated window to my right. There was a small Hispanic woman sitting a desk behind the glass. I assumed this must be Consuela or possibly Shakira without make-up.

          "Do you realize there is a cat running around aimlessly in here?" was my first sentence spoken to Consuela. "Don't worry, she's friendly" was her response as she giggled at my ignorance. I was appalled. I suppose this would have been a cue (after several others that had lead up to that moment) to cut my losses and call the Paki taxi-cab driver to come pick me up and take me to a feline-free office of podiatry. I needed to be at work in an hour and I really needed to get this shit taken care of and quickly. So I decided to grin and bare it and just get through this situation as quickly and as painlessly as possible. Why I hadn't put some vodka and 7 up in a glass jar in the house and taken it with me for moral support is beyond me. Live and learn. I quickly filled out the form and handed the 3 pages back to Consuela whom I noticed was wearing what appeared to be floral pajamas. Consuela instructed me to sit down and wait for my doctor. She left the room.

          Unfortunately I had no choice, as I was all alone in a chair in the waiting room, to be forced to analyze every single detail of the hideous surroundings that encompassed the entire periphery of my vision. Even before I stepped into the place I knew it was clearly an "urban" establishment (The cat gave it away). I have this problem that as long as my eyes are open I can't stop staring at things that are disturbing (intoxicated or not). My only saving grace of course was that I would be detailing this in a blog at a later date once I had seen a therapist. I will begin with the right wall and work my way left. It began with a small sign hanging to my right saying "Dallas BLACK Chamber of Commerce 2007". I suppose this really went well with the "MLK" theme. Above that was a very large picture, almost a mural, of a Black man skiing. This I found quite disturbing. Since when do Black people ski? You can barely even get them in the water. Why would someone hang this up in a doctor's office? In Texas? And most importantly, who the Hell was this random person and why was he on the wall in the first place? I started to put things together as I gazed towards the center wall. There was a picture of another Black man playing football. I wasn't sure if this was the same man or not until I looked at the photograph on the left wall with a picture of a Black man going fishing. It was clear to me that fishing Black man and skiing Black man were the same Black man making it plausible that football Black man was the same Black man as both skiing Black man and fishing Black man who were the same as each other making all three pictures the same Black man. However, I still was not sure who this Black man was. Surely, no one could be so narcissistic as to put pictures of THEMSELVES up at their own doctor's office? I mean, I've done that to my bedroom but it's my BEDroom. You wouldn't see me barricading an office cubicle with life-sized posters and statues of myself. I was more than slightly concerned that there would be the ultimate possibility that my podiatrist had spent more time creating a shrine to himself in the waiting room than he did creating his hand-made sign outside what appeared to be his own shack. I didn't want to venture inside my imagination to even think about what was to come inside the actual patients quarters. I would find out soon. I needed a drink.

       I heard footsteps coming down the hallway into the waiting room. I held my breath in anticipation of meeting my new found mystery self-obsessed podiatrist. It turned out to be a false alarm. It was only the cat making a return to the scene of the crime. Pussywinkle jumped up and sat beside me. I considered petting her but then remembered a story about fellow Canadian Pamela Anderson contracting a severe case of Hepatitis C. I sat patiently for several minutes to be greeted by Consuela. "The room is ready", she said as she pointed me in the direction of the office. She sat back down at her desk and I made my way to the chamber of doom. Pussywinkle just sat there frozen. The little bitch didn't even come for emotional support. Felines are such skanks.

        The doctor's "office" consisted of a patient's chair that was clearly broken, two other small chairs, a small basket, a desk with drawers, a window with broken blinds, and a small clip-on fan propped up sideways on a book sitting on the desk. I wanted to start crying but I stopped myself in fear of the doctor coming in soon and seeing me. I needed him to take me seriously. The second emotional feeling that I was overwhelmed with was a similar one. Diarrhea. Again, thankfully I had not eaten anything so I knew this was a false alarm. I sat down very carefully on the patient's chair, removed my socks and shoes (not in that order) and patiently awaited my fate. In he walked. It was Black Man! Just like in the pictures! For Christ's sake, this doctor actually plastered pictures of himself all over the waiting room. What a psychopath! Although, to be fair, would there have been a better alternative as to who that was in those pictures. Perhaps a secret gay lover that he lived vicariously through because of his affinity for sports but lack of ability to perform on account of his very hectic podiatry schedule?

           Doctor Black-Man was old, slow-moving, and hideously inarticulate. I wish he had come with subtitles. I have an easier time understanding Flava Flav when I have loud gas (This happens often for the fact that watching any television program with Flava Flav usually causes the onset of gas). "I think I may have stepped on something but if I did, I can't find it. I'm not sure. But it hurts." as I pointed to Big Lucky. Doctor Black-Man seemed disinterested. He put on sterile white gloves which I will admit is a very difficult task even for those of us who are not elderly. He was finally successful with the gloves after what felt like enough time to watch the director's cut of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Doctor Black-Man began examining Big Lucky. He seemed quite confused (Doctor Black-Man not Big Lucky). He kept touching it so much I think my toenail got "blueballs". Doctor Black-Man then left the room unannounced. I suppose he needed a break after such a long fully committed stretch of work. He returned shortly after with a companion. I was hoping it was Pussywinkle who probably had a better idea of the scope of the situation. Unfortunately it was Consuela. I was very confused as to what business Hispanic receptionist in Doctor Black Man's lair. " Is she going to clean the sheets or possibly change the towels in the bathroom?" were my first few thoughts (Actually they were my second thoughts. My first thoughts were too inappropriately racist for publication). Doctor Black-Man mumbled something in the style of Charlie Brown's school teacher to Consuela who reached into the desk and pulled out what appeared to be a needle.

           At the time, it was not my first concern that Consuela apparently performed dual roles at the Martin Luther King Foot Clinic as both head receptionist and podiatric nurse. The concern at the forefront of my mind was that a Hispanic teenager with nothing more than weekend training in Microsoft Word looked like she was preparing herself to inject me with something! "Consuela! What the Christ is going on here?". She laughed as she looked away and began shaking the needle. "I'm serious! What is THAT thing for?" I demanded. "We think there's a piece of glass in your foot and we need to get it out." she stated. Great! Big Lucky has a piece of glass in him and now I have get it removed by Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Shakira. Weren't there phones that needed answering? You think I would have been slightly relieved to see Consuela hand the needle over to the doctor but given that Doctor Black-Man was older and slower than time itself it was no relief as I was concerned that he may have slight Parkinson's (or the "shakes" as my Nana refers to it). Instead, Consuela's job was to continually spray a cool mist atop of the wounded area to ease the impending pain. This was getting to be more and more absurd by the second. It was at that moment when I started to come to the realization that I was sitting inside of a non-air conditioned shack in the middle of nowhere on one of the hottest days in June in Texas. I began sweating profusely. My face looked like a Whitney Houston concert. I threw my head back on the pillow, flexed my foot, and gazed out the window. "Take a deep breath", said Consuela as she began to spray. I placed my thumb in front of my mouth, violently began biting my nail, and took it like Kim Kardashian on videotape.

        Doctor Black-Man, true to form, took his sweet little time with each poke of the needle. He didn't put all of the numbing medication in at once. He would slowly put the needle in, inject a little bit, pull it out, and then repeat. Was he afraid he was going to get me pregnant? I debated as to whether or not this was an appropriate time to make him aware that I had my diaphragm in. After 5 minutes of Big Lucky being raped, my face was like a salty Niagra Falls. I couldn't stop sweating. I began swishing my head back and forth on the pillow as I felt my eyes rolling back into my head (I guess I really was turning into Kim Kardashian). A feeling came over me that came as a complete surprise. I felt overwhelmingly nauseated. How could this be? I hadn't eaten anything! I tossed and turned as Doctor Black-Man continued to stab away at Big Lucky. "I need a bucket", I said to Consuela. "I think I might be sick." I should point out that Consuela had stopped spraying the cooling agent a long time ago and was just standing there watching. You would of thought I had asked her to drive to the grocery store to pick me up some fresh lemongrass! Clearly annoyed, she left the room at a pace similar to that of a tranquilized manatee. During the time she was gone, I began to feel even worse. I really thought I was going to vomit. I was partially thrilled on account of being able to go to work later looking like Nicole Richie but it was difficult to revel in that excitement when I didn't have a bucket to be sick in. After a painstakingly long amount of time, finally Consuela returned with a small woven basket. Unfortunately I did not end up being sick after all even though it was pretty touch and go for a while. I guess I would have to remain at the same body mass. A girl can dream....

          I looked down at Doctor Black-Man who had taken a break from raping my big toe. He had something in his hand and was examining it closely. He seemed both confused and astonished. He looked like he had just found Osama bin Laden (this was a few weeks before the bearded maniac was killed and then buried in a pile of hummus). Doctor Black-Man showed the spec to Consuela who examined it for sometime also looking like she had stumbled upon the cure for premature ejaculation. I really wanted to know what all the fuss was about but I was enjoying the break from the toe rape so I kept my mouth shut. Consuela gave the spec back to Doctor Black-Man who placed it in a napkin, walked close toward me and presented me with the gift. "Is this the glass you were talking about?" he said. I could barely hear him over the fan. "What?!" I exclaimed. He repeated the question. I couldn't believe it. What the Christ was he thinking? Was I supposed to be able to identify the piece of glass that was plaguing me. As if I had fully examined the shard before I voluntarily shoved it up my own toe! This was absurd! After rolling my eyes and taking a few deep breaths I looked at the two geniuses and said "Well I suppose so!". I figured it was better to avoid any possibility of further needle penetration. I just prayed that whatever it was I was staring at (which was so tiny it could pass as the life and career of Jamie-Lynn Spears) was in fact the little bitch that I had somehow stepped on the night previous.

        After a quick sterilization and gauze wrap, I was well on my way hobbling back toward the waiting room. When I approached the front desk, Consuela was already there seated ready to take my payment. "Oh my gosh, you again!" I acted surprised. Thank Jesus that I have health care and that I had to suffer through that absolutely tragic nightmare of a doctor's visit for the bargain of thirty dollars. I handed her my VISA card which she quickly handed back to me. "We only take cash" said Consuela. "Do you have an ATM?" I asked. "No." she said quickly. "Well unless you happened to find thirty single dollar bills inside my toe when you were searching in there, I'm not sure how you expect me to pay you." She said that she would make an "exception" and allow me to send them a cheque at a later date (as if that was going to happen) and let me go. I said goodbye to Pussywhistle, called a cab and was on my way home.

          I have no idea how a business gets away with being such a disaster. If I kept my house in the kind of shape that the doctor's did in their office, my neighbour's would call Childcare Services to take possession of my goldfish. I actually don't have a goldfish but the joke really lands well. Of course the most important thing is that Big Lucky was okay. I took him immediately to get a get a full rape exam (not the first time) and enrolled him in rape counselling. He really went through a lot! I sincerely hope that no one has to go through the kind of nightmare that Big Lucky and I had to go through all because I missed a spot while sweeping. I suppose it's a sign that K.D. Lang is not relevant in this current decade. Woolen socks are now a personal requirement of mine in my living quarters. Wearing socks while otherwise being completely naked is a new feeling for me yet completely appropriate giving its African-American roots. Black men LOVE having sex with just their socks on. Just ask Heidi Klum.


     
       

Unbe-WEAVE-able

        I have always been very open and honest about my childhood tragedies involving the ever growing Chia pet on top of my head. After nearly 25 years of keeping the beast at bay I am slowly acclimating myself into the world of African-American hair. There is no better place to witness the limitless possibilities for the naps than in the Southern United States. However, most recently, my focus on this subject has shifted from a personal investment to an interest that caters toward my lovely chocolate friend Evangeline, whom turns 26 tomorrow. Evangeline is emotionally committed to hair pieces in a way that puts my co-dependent relationship with Ketel One to shame. It made perfect sense that my quest for a birthday present for Evangeline should not do without a trip to an African-American wig shop. Dallas, I have experienced from several trips on public transportation, is the Mecca of detachable hair. I had really hit the jack pot. It did not take me long to discover the crème de la crème of wig suppliers. This establishment located in the heart of Dallas, Texas is better known as Gold 7 Beauty Supply!

          I'll start from the beginning. First of all, Gold 7 is located in a cul-de-sac of sorts in North Dallas (one of the more "urban" sections of the city). In this small array of businesses on Forest Lane includes not one but several African-American beauty related establishments. As I google mapped my way to the location I was bombarded with two beauty shops, a wig store, a place for supplies, and right in the center of the strip mall was Gold 7 Beauty Supply, the Jesus of Black wigs. I had imagined that a store solely dedicated to hair that isn't yours couldn't possibly be any larger than a CVS. I pictured a small room filled with some hair care products. At the end of the room I imagined there would be a counter with a friendly Black woman. Behind her, I envisioned a small selection of wigs and hairpieces that could be requested to be pulled off the wall for further inspection. I really thought this place was going to be a quaint little shop with some Black ladies looking to get their wig on. Apparently, I slightly miscalculated.

         Gold 7 Beauty Supply is the size of Kirstie Alley! This was no CVS, this was a WAL-MART for Black hair! When I walked through that door, I immediately collapsed. I can't remember which knee gave out first but I was too overwhelmed to care. There was just long flowing hair as far as the eye could see. Was this a horse ranch? The small counter that I had envisioned in my mind in fact went around the entire perimeter of the store. All four walls were covered with displays of different pieces with varying lengths, colors, textures, and styles. In front of me were aisles upon aisles of God knows what filling the shelves. Surely there couldn't be this many options for things to attach to your own head. This was one of the few times in my life that I couldn't fully absorb every detail of what was in front of me. There was just too much to take in! My vision was overstimulating with synthetic abundance. Yet, I had travelled all that way so I had to pull it together. I was determined to somehow make some sense out of all of this chaos to emerge triumphant in my quest to retrieve a shiny new hair piece for Evangeline's birthday. So I slowly ventured forward.

          Because of my awareness of the fact that I clearly had no idea what I was doing on account of my being a weave-virgin, I discovered quickly that I needed to escort myself to the nearest person of customer service located all around the perimeter of the store behind the counters. As I made my way around the room in total astonishment of the bevvy of wigs, weaves, and phony-ponies in search of some help, I couldn't help but notice that the persons whom appeared to be working for Gold 7 Beauty Supply were 4'11''. I am not sure what would interest Asian people to sell hair to Black people other than the obvious lucrative aspect but clearly Crouching Tiger Hidden Ponytail Weave is in the making. I walked around the store staying on the periphery witnessing each and every customer service representative who had clearly just arrived off the boat from Beijing all suffering from the vertically challenged syndrome. As I continued to make my counter-clockwise surveyal of the establishment I had ultimately confirmed that everyone employed by Gold 7 Beauty Supply was Chinese and that every person whom was shopping was...well...NOT! All the customers were Black women (plus me). This was ludicrous! Black people need to boycott. How can we let the Asian community take over the one thing that is unique to our culture? The way our hair grows out of our own head is unique only to Black people and yet we're letting the Chinese profit from our nappy needs! Really? Yet, I was quickly reminded by Jesus that I had ventured from far and wide to find Gold 7 Beauty Supply not to make online political statements at a later date but to find a new ponytail weave for Evangeline. Let the journey begin.

        I asked one of the Asian midgets (redundant yet funny) behind the desk that I needed some help, let's call her Beijing. "What are you looking for?", Beijing asked (Unable to pronounce the "r"s of course ). "I'm looking for hairpieces", I said flatly. She stared at me not moving a muscle. I'm not sure if this was because of the Botox or the fact that she's Chinese. I needed to provide more information. "I need the kind that attach to the back of your head with pins", I said as I gestured to the backside of my scalp. "You need ponytail?" she asked. Smiling quickly ensued. I was very glad we were finally on the same page. "Aisle 1" she stated. So I made my way over to Aisle 1 where I expected to search the shelves to find the section that housed pre-packaged ponytail weaves where I would have to make the simple choice between long or short, curly or straight, black or blond and then be on my way. I arrived at aisle one. This is when reality set in. The ENTIRE aisle was filled with nothing but ponytail weaves! Can you believe it? Shelves upon shelves just filled with different assortments of the phony-pony! There were limitless brands offering several varieties of color, shape, texture, length, buoyancy, personalities, and odors. After a deep breath I decided to just take it one weave at a time.

        I started with the shelves on the left filled with weaves hanging in different packages. As I began to read the different labels investigating the styles, brands, and prices I immediately became confused on one non-important yet incredibly intriguing aspect of these products: the brand names. I was perplexed because it seemed to me that in one row of similarly packaged weaves, there would be a different brand-name at the bottom of each one. "Amy", "Star", "Candice", "Urethra".... it was very confusing. Upon further investigation I discovered that in fact these were not the company brand names at all. Please take a deep breath because what I am about to tell you is quite disturbing. The weaves have names! I am not kidding. The weaves themselves are personally named. No last name, they're like Cher or Madonna. I was beside myself! I think it's weird to name a goldfish but a synthetic piece of plastic, this was too much! However, in my state of disbelief I became distracted by an alluring little piece of heaven named Amy. I must point out that although the weaves were packaged and air sealed in like Kielbasa sausages, the store conveniently displayed one of each hairpiece out so you were able to touch and investigate every nuance and idiosyncrasy of the weave. Amy was the shit! She was about 8 inches long (completely flaccid) with very dark and extremely tight ringlets that just flowed like a bouquet of flowers spilling out of my Grandmother's vase. I was immediately hooked. Amy was the one. However, it was made clear that the lovely arrangement of synthetic fibres I was touching was merely for display purposes which meant I was required to locate its accompanying package on one of the several shelves behind it. This would prove to be quite difficult. After several minutes of trying to compare the government-plastic wrapped hairpiece with the chocolate locks of love of love I was currently holding in my hand I became somewhat frustrated that my fully committed rummaging proved to no avail. There were billions of weaves everywhere and it was nearly impossible to locate the accurate phony-pony. I came to find that there were in fact several versions of Amy which under layers of Saran wrap were nearly undetectable to see if she was the exact one as the clump of illustrious strands I was currently holding. Upon further assessment, I noticed that the version of Amy I was holding had a small tag on it with an encrypted code comprised of an intricate combination of letters and digits. I figured out I could simply match that code to the pre-packaged weaves and I would find success. Quickly I found Amy in her package with the same code as display Amy. Surely this had to be the correct one. Or so I thought. I noticed that there was just one discrepancy between the two phony-ponies. Display Amy was labelled with the color "1" which I figured out is a universal numbering systems for weaves all over the country which indicates that the weave is black. This seems ridiculous to me. Clearly one can see that a weave is black just by looking at it, right? The pre-packaged Amy appeared black to me yet was labelled 1B. I eventually found a packaged Amy labelled 1 (no "B") and compared them side by side. I could not tell the difference between the two phony-ponies for the life of me. I needed Beijing to sort out this confusion. "1 is black and 1B is natural black", she said plainly. This was a disaster. What the Hell is "natural" black? I figured that the blackest of black is like Mortisha from the Adams family but still I don't see what would be "unnatural" about that. People have black hair! This was ridiculous. I asked her to take hair pieces out to show me the difference. She begrudgingly did so and I don't blame her. The removal of the vacuum sealed phony-ponies really was a full day commitment. Not only were they air locked (for freshness I assume) but they also had magnets on them that were bolted through the packaging so people couldn't steal them (I guess it makes sense to be paranoid about people stealing things when they are willing to wear hair that doesn't even technically belong to them). I felt like I needed a magnifying glass to see the very tiny strands of almost brown pieces of the supposedly "natural black" 1B version of Amy. What's so natural about that? Nobody's hair grows with random brown streaks in it! This was absurd. Mortisha it was! I was settled. "How much is Amy?" I asked. "$7.99" plus tax. "WHAT?". I couldn't believe it. You can transform your entire head for $7.99. Was there a Canadian weave-virgin discount I was unaware of? I asked Beijing to hold Amy for me. Clearly this was a sign from Jesus that I really needed to stock up!

               Truly I had only made it an eighth of my way through the fabulous land of the pony tail weave aisle of Gold 7 Beauty Supply before finding Amy. I had a lot of work to do. So I ventured back to find some new treasures for Evangeline (and who knows, maybe a few for me too). I discovered a tiny clearance box in the middle of the aisle and realized quickly that I had urges to further investigate the unknown. As I dug through the mound of unwanted, abandoned synthetic misfits I came across a rather sophisticated little bundle of joy amidst the pile of last season's naps. This was one was unnamed (because everything in the clearance box was out of package). She was a small bun with intricate little patterns of weaved strands of hair that criss-crossed along the landscape of this perfect round cinnamon bun. She was too cute and 5 dollars. I had to get her! Feeling completely elated by my new finding I continued to venture through the shelves of hanging display ponytail weaves feeling delighted by every run of my fingers through these synthetic masterpieces. Although I was completely entertained by the bevvy of options, I still did not feel the similar excitement with any of these pieces that would compare to my emotional commitment to Amy. As I made my way to the end of the aisle (about a half an hour later) I was almost ready to checkout with Beijing when I came across a little discovery on the opposite wall. There was yet another un-named piece just hanging unobtrusively on a hanger. She was pretty. She was simple. There was nothing about her that I can put into words that stood out to me yet for some reason she really grabbed my attention. As I slowly became intrigued by her I realized that she too was staring right back at me! Was this love at first weave? I paced myself slowly toward her as she swished back in forth in the wind (the Chinese just LOVE having that air conditioner on full blast at all times). As I gingerly ran my fingers through her (feeling like a pedophile) I realized that there was something shockingly different about her. SHE WAS REAL! I knew this wasn't possible but she felt absolutely, totally, 100% authentic! I had to investigate and figure out what the deal was. I matched her code and finally found the correlating brand in a small package on the shelf behind her. This product, as I found out, is made by a company called Shake 'N' Go and she is made of 100% Indian hair (Slurpee Indian...not Casino Indian). I couldn't believe it! Some poor little girl is walking around India bald right now so that I can bask in the glow of this fabulous headpiece and let me tell you IT IS SO WORTH IT! It's hot in India. Plus, bald is the new hair extension. Sinead O'Conner is hugely popular in New Delhi. She was absolutely perfect. As I continued reading the package, I discovered more great news about Shake 'N' Go. She is versatile! Because of the fact that she is 100% human hair, you can flat iron her to make her completely straight or you can use water to scrunch her up into tightly knit curls for a bouncier more adolescent look! Perfect for R.Kelly fans! This was too much to handle. I was very close to peeing but I retained my composure (insert second R.Kelly reference here....again redundant but highly enjoyable). I quickly skipped my way to the register to pay for my findings. Beijing was busy helping out another customer so she handed my Amy and told me I could go to the register in the wig area. This was something I was not emotionally prepared for.

         The Wig Shop which is a branch, if you will, of Gold 7 Beauty Supply is an animal unto itself. If you are brave enough to go back there you need to fully understand that you may not make it out alive. The Wig Shop is a secretive area of the beauty shop with walls on four sides to protect the identity of the women whom enter this area. You see, the bulk of Gold 7 Beauty Supply is set up like a CVS with several aisles carrying products, pieces, accessories and wigs that are packaged so you just simply shop around, find what you're looking for, pay, and leave. The Wig Shop section is a whole other kettle of fish (African-American fish....maybe Black cod). The Wig Shop is set up like a salon. The wigs are displayed on mannequins all around. Women sit in front of a vanity with lights and office stools so they can fully investigate the possibilities of each wig in complete and utter secrecy unbeknownst to the passers by on the other side of the wall innocently buying ponytail weaves for their friends. Honestly, I couldn't take in any more visual detail than what I have just described on account of my fear of being shot. I immediately felt that I had invaded these women's personal lives by entering their wig sanctuary. I moved VERY swiftly to the register as to be undetected by the onlookers. Guns are VERY popular in Texas. I'm just saying. "Debit or credit?" Shanghai asked me. "I don't give a shit. Just run the card before I get killed!", I was desperate to get out of there. After what had felt like an eternity I finally was able to sashay at an accelerated pace to the exit. I breathed a sigh of relief once I made it through those double doors and metal detectors. Even though I had successfully made it to safety, I thought it prudent to make my way to the bus stop as quickly as possible. Bullets can go through windows last time I checked.

            After over an hour spent inside a world filled with long flowing pieces of detachable pageantry, I feel that I have grown so much as a Black woman. I have a better understanding of the full commitment needed to have a full head of wind-blown hair. It is necessary to devote countless hours and hard-earned dollars coupled with fully investigated research and development if you truly want to look like Shakira from the forehead and beyond. If White people only knew the dedication that Black women and their boyfriends whom pay for this shit have just to take care of and/or disguise what grows out of their own head they would immediately double their annual donation to the United Negro College Fund.

Homeless Swagger

            I've always been a big fan of homeless people because they remind that my life is comparatively so much better. I have lived in 4 major cities and in all of which I have come across a bevvy of jobless wonders. Quite frankly, it always pulls at my heart strings to see an individual with no place to go, nothing to eat, and no Facebook account to login to. I am very lucky that I have never been homeless but my family has cut it pretty close in the beginning. I definitely know what a food stamp looks like. Thus, I do feel an affinity toward people who have less than I, which causes me to always give food when I can. Over the years I have seen a spectrum of toothless people across this great nation. I have listened to loud Christian rants from a homeless Jamaican woman on the NYC Subway. I have been approached by smelly men in Vancouver questioning me where the best place to buy crack is (I am not exactly sure what about my Ora exudes the idea that I know where the good drugs are located. I was wearing plaid that day for Christ's sake!). Although, on most occasions I have resisted the temptation to give money to any of these people, I have most often donated whatever food that happened to be in my backpack at the time. I ALWAYS carry a banana on me at all times for this reason. You never know when you will meet someone whom will need that banana more than you! (I think that's in the Bible somewhere, around page 100....). It always fills my heart with joy and satisfaction to see someone whom can appreciate something so simple like food. It reminds me how lucky I am to be afforded the finances to purchase several bananas a week. Only when graced by the presence of someone whom doesn't have such a luxury does one truly realize his true fortune.

             Amidst my long relationship with the people in unfortunate circumstances, I have recently had a falling out with a member of the homeless community. I must first explain that the homeless people in Dallas are like no other. They are incredibly aggressive, extraordinarily hairy, and speak at a volume that will deafen the strongest of ears! And they LOVE McDonald's. I cannot emphasize this enough. I have never met a group of people that appreciated Ronald McDonald so much in my life. Enter at your own risk in Dallas because you WILL be accosted by Black people that will demand that you buy them a Big Mac! (They will probably ask that you give them the change too). Although, the homeless people here sometimes come across as slightly bolder than the rest, I have still maintained my unwavering attempt to feed the mouths of the hungry with my banana (I feel like I've heard that sentence at the beginning of a pornographic film once. Nostalgia is weird....).

             One day, I was at the Pearl Station, a train stop in downtown Dallas. It was a late night after a long day's work. I was standing at there waiting patiently with my friends Buckwheat (a native of D.C. whom is mentioned in an earlier blog) and B-More (a lovely lady, friend of Buckwheat, from Baltimore HOLLA!). We, the dynamic trio, were standing there enjoying our evening, waiting for our ghetto form of smelly transportation just like everyone else when a homeless man approached us. He was wearing a very large orange t-shirt; this was the first sign something was wrong! As he moved towards us, I noticed there was a very strange rhythm in his walk and he was leaning to the side slightly. I wasn't able to tell if this was a limp caused by some sort of war injury or if that was just his "swagger". Only Jesus knows. Homeless Swaggapants came over to the three of us and started in immediately. I am not sure what it is about the "urban" Dallas community that equips them with the ability to talk for 5 days straight just to make a simple plea for money. A simple "Gimme yo coins BITCH!" would have gotten his point across much more easily. Instead, Homeless Swaggapants decided to take the three of us hopelessly defensive victims through an INCREDIBLY long-winded explanation of why he felt that we should fork over our hard earned money to his triflin' ass. I tried to black out the memory but I do remember something about him trying to go the shelter to get food but they were closed at a certain time and they were overcapacity...blah blah blah! I nodded off half-way through his declaration of co-dependence. When I woke up he was still talking. I screamed a silent Hallelujah to myself when I finally heard him take a breath. This was my cue. "Excuse me Mr. Homeless Man. I can't offer you money at this time, however I do have some delicious food in my bag if you would like some.". Now, I thought this was Homeless Swaggapants's lucky day! You see, I didn't have a banana in my backpack, I actually had a full meal that I had not finished! I had prepared earlier in the day a wholewheat fettuccine with home-made marinara sauce with mushrooms, garlic, onion, green peppers, and eggplant. Delicious and nutritious! I was so proud of myself to provide a meal to someone whom truly needed it! He couldn't get this shit at the shelter. I couldn't wait to see the look of surprise on his face. This is when things took an ugly turn......

            I must first mention that I actually handed Homeless Swaggapants this freshly home-cooked meal in my personal Tupperware container and metal fork for him to take with him with the full intention of not having it returned. Only an angel sent from baby Jesus would be so willing to make such a humble sacrifice for the good of a smelly homeless man. I handed Homeless Swaggapants the Tupperware dish and his utensils. His response: "What is it?". I responded quickly, "Whole wheat fettuccine with home-made pasta sauce". He reluctantly looked at the dish and said, "I don't eat spaghetti". At this moment, I would like to relay to you my feelings in that moment by telling you what I truly wanted to say:

            SPAGHETTI! FIRST OF ALL, THIS AIN'T SPAGHETTI BITCH, I TOLD YOU IT WAS FETTUCCINE! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THIS SHIT AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER YOU WERE DONE KICKED OUT OF 2 HOURS AGO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE STANDING THERE DYING IN FRONT OF MY OWN EYES; MALNOURISHED, DIRTY, AND PRACTICALLY TOOTHLESS! HOW DARE YOU TURN DOWN THE MEAL THAT I SLAVED OVER THE STOVE FOR ALL MORNING! WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER TO THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL AND FIND  YOUR NEXT MEAL THERE YOU UNGRATEFUL FILTHY LITTLE BITCH!

              Please allow me to re-iterate that the previous response was the imaginary one that I wish could have come to fruition. But because I am a man of Christ-like qualities, I decided to take the Holy road towards Jesus. So instead I simply stared for a few seconds in disbelief. I truly could not believe what I was hearing. I am standing in front of a homeless man who is refusing food because he doesn't like spaghetti. Was he on a gluten free diet? I had to choose my words carefully. I said to Homeless Swaggapants, "You don't eat spaghetti? What do you mean? You have no money and no food, you're on the street with nowhere to go and you're telling me you don't eat spaghetti? Listen! Beggars can't be choosers". This was the point when Buckwheat and B-More lost it. At the time, I didn't know what came over them. The train arrived very quickly. I left with my half-eaten fettuccine in tact but my pride officially had been stamped on and crushed.

           As I sat down next to my two partners in crime, Buckwheat and B-More, they were still shaking with laughter. "What's so funny!!!???". B-More had to break it down for me. She explained to me that I was completely in the right. She agreed that it was absolutely absurd for a homeless person to be so rude to someone whom was offering to help them especially when asking for nothing in return. However, she summed up the reason for the great hilarity felt between she and Buckwheat. She explained, "I completely understand why you believe that beggars can't be choosers. It's just I've never actually heard someone say that to a beggar!". Laughter ensued between the three of us.

             I only have Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to thank that I have yet to be homeless. I have been blessed with the fruits of the Lord with food, a bed, and an IPhone. I actually don't have an IPhone, it just seemed so right to say that. Even after my falling out with Homeless Swaggapants I am still a giving, nurturing, and devoted Christ-like being. Swaggapants was sent to me from Lucifer to test my patience. He failed miserably. Although, I may have been detoured for a moment, I still have kept my heart on the path towards salvation. The lesson I have learned on my journey to righteousness is even in the face of homeless adversity to always keep an open and generous heart for all of God' children.....even the unemployed ones. Just don't give them fettuccine....