Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Birthday Jesus!

        Tomorrow is the day when Christians celebrate the day that their long-haired leader came shooting out of Mary's birth canal. Supposedly this pregnancy was not a result of penetration. I'm assuming in vitro was involved. Regardless of how the "virgin" Mary got knocked up, the fact is she birthed from her vagina the leader of a new religion; Christianity (the sequel to Judaism)! However, I find it interesting that it is rarely pointed out that the head of Christianity was born a Mediterranean Jew (he was practically Black). I'm pretty sure Jesus was wearing a Yamaka before the umbilical cord was hacked off (I'm not sure how they removed it considering the invention of sewing scissors would come centuries later). This little Jewy muffin ball would spend the rest of his life crusading for his Baby Daddy and ultimately be murdered by his mozza ball eating counterparts. At least the Jews had the decency when they crucified Jesus to wrap his lower half in a sarong to conceal his tiny penis. I'm not sure why the Jews have such tiny penises yet incredibly large mozza ball sized testicles but I'm assuming that it has everything to do with God (Baby Daddy) having a very good sense of humor. Who knew that a little Jew boy who looks like the lead singer of the Bee Gees would become worshiped by millions of followers, including Black people! Jesus, in that regard, was the original Eminem. All of the events leading up to his death unfortunately didn't convince the Jews that he in fact was the son of God. That must've been really bad news for whoever drove the last nail in the cross. I'm sure a lot of prayer was needed to ensure he didn't burst into flames when entering a religious establishment. That would be weird to murder Jesus and then receive communion years later at Christmas mass. I felt similarly when I went to church with one of my friends after pooping on his lawn. (I was 10 and unaware of my now self diagnosed IBS, please don't write letters).

       Essentially all of this is to say that there is a huge paradox I'm pointing out. Christmas Day is actually quite the predicament. While all of the Christians celebrate Dec.25th in salute to their religion, Jesus is busy getting his party on. Jesus doesn't celebrate Christmas because he's a bloody Jew! He's busy lighting the Menorah and getting drunk off of Crystal and Patron because for him today is just his birthday! Go shorty it's yo birthday! So while all of you Christy's gather at Church for Christmas mass just remember that somewhere your Lord and Savior is doing tequila shooters in the bathroom of some underground stripclub in heaven. I'm not saying you should stop celebrating Christmas, I'm just saying that we should all have some perspective. And by perspective I mean tequila shooters. By the way, I'm not sure why the blood of Christ decided to manifest itself in red wine, I've never been a fan of Cabernet Sauvignon. Now that we're in the 21st Century the blood of Jesus should take the form of Crown Royal. Just a suggestion.

     However you choose to celebrate this holiday season with your family, I hope that all of you enjoy the people around you. Celebrate whatever traditions you may have with dignity and pride. And always remember please enjoy responsibility. Do not consume the blood of Jesus and drive unless you would like to join him.

Happy Birthday J Dog,
Son of Christ (The paternal test results haven't come in yet but we have the same eyes)

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