Saturday, December 4, 2010

Lesbians of Starbucks

        A few months ago I packed up my things from New York and boarded an airplane at JFK airport and set off to a foreign land called Texas. Upon arrival I've noticed that there are a few things in this part of the world that don't quite add up. There seems to be a serious distribution problem in the lesbian community. In New York, one could find areas that were populated heavily by African-Americans or areas that have a large Jewish community etc. but never have I been in a city that seemed to be completely vacant of lesbians only to one day wander into an area of town that is completely overrun with Ellen Degenereses. Here's how it went down.

        Starbucks is not exactly my cup of tea (or coffee I suppose). I normally make the decision to forgo overpriced beverages. I'm also incredibly weary of any place that is decorated in too much green, I feel like I'm in Narnia. However, on this particularly cold November morning I thought I would treat myself to a grande caramel macchiato (which also happens to be my screen name on Lava Life). As I walked in I immediately was distracted by the pastries. Baked goods and I have a very intense on and off relationship. We hadn't been seeing each other for a long time but the carbohydrates were calling my name. I tried to resist until I lay my eyes on the most beautiful little treat I've ever seen in my life. Cranberry bliss bar! Have you ever had one? It's basically crack with icing. It's only available during certain times of the year, similar to the McRib. I reached into my pocket in search of a moist toilette to mop up the impending drool from my mouth and I made my way to the counter to place my order. I couldn't help but notice the cashier's striking resemblance to Melissa Ethridge. I think she was asking me what I wanted but I was frozen and starstruck. I just kept staring at her just waiting for a rendition of "Come To My Window" (P.S. If you ever have the rare opportunity to sing this on karaoke night at a bar I suggest you change the words to "Come to my lesbian!" it really gets a good laugh). Finally I placed my modest order of 7 cranberry bliss bars and I upped the size of my macchiato to a venti. I was preparing for the inevitable sugar drop in my blood stream only provoked by being in the presence of lesbian customer service. Once she informed me that she would not except food stamps or my library card as form of payment I finally gave in and handed her my hard earned 40 dollars. It seemed to me that she was working there all alone which in Dallas is not strange on account of the city becoming completely desolate after 5pm. I think most people here spend their evenings in Mexico. So I assumed that she would make her way through the Starbucks obstacle course of endless coffee pots, vanilla pumps and caramel dispensers to make my beverage but Melissa Ethridge just stood there. I looked behind me to see if there was another customer waiting or perhaps a dinosaur had roamed by but there was no one. She wasn't moving, she just stood  behind the register. I thought, "Is my beverage going to make itself?" But of course I didn't actually say that to Ms. Ethridge because the lesbians are known for carrying tools on them at all times. The last thing I needed in my life was a wrench thrown at my labia. Then, I heard some ruffling and rummaging around behind the coffee pots. It sounded like something small was sneaking around behind the bar like a tiny cat or Asian person. Why would my Mother be behind the counter at Starbucks? After a few moments of awkward silence between Melissa Ethridge and I, I saw a tiny little hand emerge from the darkness behind the counter top to present a Christmas themed Starbucks cup. I stood still in confusion. Did a toddler just prepare my beverage? I thought child slavery was illegal. I guess the health benefits make it worth it. "Venti caramel macchiato!" a burly voice emerged. I moved in disbelief slowly toward the counter top. Before I took my beverage I peered over the ledge. I couldn't believe what I saw. It was the tiniest most adorable lesbian I have ever seen in my entire life!  She was Melissa Ethridge 0.5 . The lezbo-burista was a mini-me of the cashier. She had short brown hair in the front and long blond streaks in the back; imagine if Ryan Seacrest raped a pigeon, this would be the result (I want to make it very clear that this would only be a result of rape; a pigeon would never engage in such an act with a midget voluntarily. The dating standards of pigeons exceed the likes lawn-gnome sized television hosts). And boy could Little Seacrest move fast! I've never seen someone run around so efficiently in my life! Mexicans have NOTHING on the lesbians. My drink was delicious with a slight but delightful lesbian flare. It tasted like a rainbow with a hint of tool belt. I would've left a tip for her if I hadn't already spent my day's pay on 7 cranberry bliss bars.

           I was completely elated after having been thoroughly entertained by the lesbian antics at Starbucks. I was still confused how I had never seen any others anywhere in the city besides that Starbucks. I was disheartened on account of the fact I would not be able to bask in their pigeon like glow every day. I'm not exactly a millionaire, I can't afford a caramel macchiato everyday! So you can imagine the overwhelming joy I felt when I received a $25 gift card for Starbucks for my birthday. It was by far the most useful present I received second only to my other friend who got me a jumbo-sized multi-pack of Summer's Eve. From that day forward I made a commitment every day to skip on over to my new favorite coffee shop and watch the antics of Melissa and Seacrest. I knew if I switched my drink of choice to a simple Americano my card would last for 12 whole visits as long as I resisted carbohydrates. That entire week I felt my spirit lifted up by the lesbians as they were a very significant part of my morning. That weekend when I still had a balance of 11 dollars and 42 cents on my gift card I was at the mall with my friend and we happened to walk by a Starbucks. Le'ts call this friend Poopface. He wanted to go in but I refused. It's very rare to feel love from such consistent lesbians and I felt it inappropriate to cheat on them with their heterosexual counterparts. I found my argument on my commitment to Melissa Ethridge and Ryan Seacrest to be quite compelling however Poopface was not persuaded. Poopface wanted coffee and he deemed it ridiculous to take the train halfway across town from where we were just to see some lesbians. Obviously, he has no priorities. I begrudgingly decided to go with Poopface. I thought that as long as I didn't purchase anything it wouldn't be disrespectful. I stood in line with him for a moment. Poopface made it to the register and began to place his order. In that moment as I was feeling slight guilt for being in that establishment and dishonoring my trust with my lesbians I gazed up and took a look at the cashier. As my eyes slowly made my way up from the Mack truck-sized green Starbucks apron to shoulders that were as broad as Liza Minnelli's career to a triple chin with stubble to a windblown tie-dyed hairdon't, I stopped breathing. I was in total shock. There she stood in front of Poopface and me. The biggest most amazing lesbian that I have ever seen in my life. Not even in the movies had I ever set my eyes on such enormity. I had finally met my idol; Rosie O'Donnell. I began to perspire profusely and diarrhea was definitely on the way. But I was absolutely ecstatic! "Would you like anything darling?" she said. I was unable to respond. Not only did she look exactly like Rosie O'Donnell but she also happened to be Vin Diesel's voice twin. "Would you like something?" she repeated. Did I want something? Yes! I wanted her in a to-go box! All I wanted to do is take her home and put O'Donnell on my coffee table. I would leave the apron on for effect! I was blown away by how amazing this super lesbian was. At that moment I threw in the towel and decided that my lesbian dynamic duo were old news. I had a new lez to follow. It was time for an upgrade!

        In the remaining weeks leading up to today's blog I have found that the finding of lesbians in two Starbucks locations in Dallas were not a coincidence. This is a social phenomenon that has wiped the entire city (and perhaps all of Texas). The crazy part is, you can't find them anywhere else in the city at all. They're not on the street, they're not at the football games, they're not even the one's the plumbing companies send to caulk your tub! The lesbians LIVE at Starbucks! For me, that means, I try to spend every waking moment there because I am now completely addicted to those lumberjack buristas! Lesbians are my new cranberry bliss bar! And the best part is, unlike pastries, they can also fix my car and chop wood for my fireplace. I have a feeling it's going to be a very cold winter.

       I raise my overpriced Starbucks cup in salute of my lesbians! You will always hold a special place in my heart (and also my wallet). Can a brother get a two for one deal up in here? My gift card is maxed out!

"The breast part of waking up is a lezbo in your cup!" - Folgers

1 comment:

  1. I am glad you have finally come back to the vag. We have missed you!