As you are aware, I have recently joined the Bible Thumpers in their crusade to set gays on fire and thus have been attending church for the last few weeks; I'm not really fond of shameless drinking when the sun is out anyway. Today is Sunday and clearly I am not there because I am instead doing my Christian duty in writing filthy blogs. I don't feel badly that I'm missing church; I put my Bible on my lap as I'm writing this so I feel that I'm there with them (and by "them" I mean the 12 apostles). As a new found Jesus-kisser I was very upset when a few weeks ago I could not attend because I was feeeling under the weather. Apparantly I hadn't been praying enough and illness was my punishment. I convinced myself to consider praying to all Gods of all religions just in case I'm currently subscribing to the wrong one. Obviously, I need to pray to each God separately to avoid offending any particular one. If I were Jesus I would be pretty pissed off if I knew one of the chosen people was talking to Buddha, especially if they were using my anytime minutes on the family plan. Did you know Hindus have 6000 Gods. I was praying all weekend! At least it helped distract me from the inevitable and everpresent diarrhea. I definitely need to switch to Verizon to get more weekend minutes. Perhaps I just need to buy a phone card.
Inevitably, no matter what I decide to do with myself on Sundays I'm sure that God will be well aware of what my intentions and thoughts are. Just by sitting myself in a pu will not guarantee me a seat in Heaven's V.I.P. section which I'm pretty sure includes white leather sofas encrusted with diamonds. I'm sure that God is well aware of the goodness in my heart and the insanity between my ears. Therefore, there's no need for me to feel guilty about not singing Jesus music today, I can just play it on my IPod. I know for a fact that church is no guarantee to Christ-like living. R. Kelly attends regularly.