Sunday, December 12, 2010

Sunday Church vs. Sunday Brunch

          Today is Sunday which I now have learned to be "Jesus's day". This makes no sense to me. If Jesus is so amazing (like those silly songs they sing at church say) then shouldn't every day be Jesus's day? Not to mention, it really cuts into my valuable time that should be spent eating Egg's Benedict and drinking mimosas at brunch somewhere downtown. It really tickles me that how on Sunday all the crazy Christ-y people spend the day worshiping someone who only has 3 letters in his name while the rest of us sane people spend the latter part of the day sleeping off their hangover or get drunk in the middle of the day which for some reason is completely appropriate because it's "Sunday brunch". As long as you're either drinking a Bloody Mary, Mimosa, or Screwdriver noone will find it odd their your toasted in the middle of the day for no particular reason. Any other day this would be sinful! I just love how Jesus worshipers and shameless alcoholics have picked the same day of the week to pay homage to whom they worship. Christians worship Jesus and alcoholics worship Grey Goose. I feel torn.
         As you are aware, I have recently joined the Bible Thumpers in their crusade to set gays on fire and thus have been attending church for the last few weeks; I'm not really fond of shameless drinking when the sun is out anyway. Today is Sunday and clearly I am not there because I am instead doing my Christian duty in writing filthy blogs. I don't feel badly that I'm missing church; I put my Bible on my lap as I'm writing this so I feel that I'm there with them (and by "them" I mean the 12 apostles). As a new found Jesus-kisser I was very upset when a few weeks ago I could not attend because I was feeeling under the weather. Apparantly I hadn't been praying enough and illness was my punishment. I convinced myself to consider praying to all Gods of all religions just in case I'm currently subscribing to the wrong one.  Obviously, I need to pray to each God separately to avoid offending any particular one. If I were Jesus I would be pretty pissed off if I knew one of the chosen people was talking to Buddha, especially if they were using my anytime minutes on the family plan. Did you know Hindus have 6000 Gods. I was praying all weekend! At least it helped distract me from the inevitable and everpresent diarrhea. I definitely need to switch to Verizon to get more weekend minutes. Perhaps I just need to buy a phone card. 

         Inevitably, no matter what I decide to do with myself on Sundays I'm sure that God will be well aware of what my intentions and thoughts are. Just by sitting myself in a pu will not guarantee me a seat in Heaven's V.I.P. section which I'm pretty sure includes white leather sofas encrusted with diamonds. I'm sure that God is well aware of the goodness in my heart and the insanity between my ears. Therefore, there's no need for me to feel guilty about not singing Jesus music today, I can just play it on my IPod. I know for a fact that church is no guarantee to Christ-like living. R. Kelly attends regularly.
So whether you're reading this on your MacBook Pro that you've propped up on your table at Sunday Brunch or you're enjoying this Blog from your IPhone in the middle of church when you really should be paying attention to lyrics of the gospel hymn. Please enjoy this Sunday and remember that Jesus loves you because he made you to be you and not R. Kelly.

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