Wednesday, November 16, 2011

An International Crisis of Insomnia (My Trip to Belize)

         As I slowly venture into my late twenties, I am noticing that the ability to stay awake is becoming increasingly more difficult. During the night, even with copious libations to assist me, I have trouble falling and/or staying asleep which leads to a disastrous next day where I am fighting my own body to remain standing on two feet without collapsing. I have come to find that I am not alone in this predicament. This epidemic of insomnia became quite apparent amongst my counterparts on my recent trip to Belize. There were many occasions when random individuals would simply pass out like Lindsay Lohan at a rave due to their lack of rest the previous night. As I kept witnessing people become taken over by the sleep demon, I became more and more aware of the fact that my generation is incapable of keeping themselves awake for long periods of time. I suppose that the urgency and accessibility of the internet has truly bread a culture that demands things immediately and in short bursts of energy. This contributes to the idea that once an intense, energy filled moment of thirty seconds is over, the only thing left to do is crash. This culture is very similar to an energy drink. During the times in Belize when I wasn't passed out myself, I thoroughly enjoyed witnessing other people bare a striking resemblance to Amy Winehouse.

           The first location of passing out was on the actual airplane on our way to Central America. This came as no surprise because of the fact that it was five o'clock in the morning! Unfortunately, I was not able to experience any of the hilarity induced by company members drooling on each other. Applebum informed me afterwards that EVERYONE was dead asleep as we descended into Belize. Later that same day after we landed, our hostess named Malibu took us do a delicious restaurant. It was on an outdoor deck looking out on the Caribbean sea. We were underneath a gigantic hut made of straw, complete with wooden railings all around the deck. It was gorgeous and the food was delicious. Despite the fact that I had previously experinced an alcohol-induced nap on the plane three hours prior, I still hadn't had my full share of beauty rest. I became the first victim (after arriving in Belize) to fall under the Caribbean spell of involuntary slumber. The fried snapper I had consumed must have been mighty delicious because only a few minutes after my plate was taken away I was snoring loudly in my chair with my head practically in my own lap. Applebum and Caramel Barbie both seized the opportunity by taking full advantage of my vulnerable slumber and took pictures of me in a state of sleep in nothing but a purple titty top. When I became aware of these photographs later in the trip, I was completely horrified. I need to change the name of my blog to Brown and Fat to most accurately describe the images that came from my restful slumber. Apparently, when I fall asleep, I turn into an incarnation of Chef from South Park. I don't know how this transformation happens but what I do know is that I looked like an absolute heifer in the photographs that Applebum and Caramel Barbie took of me. It was the most unfortunate thing since Geri Haliwell left the Spice Girls. From the moment I saw those abysmal photographs, I immediately decided that it was imperative that I begin a water diet as soon as I returned to America. I refuse that people will come to my funeral, peer into the open casket and see a Brown Teletubby.

           The next occasion of Rufee-induced slumber was on board the Water Taxi heading back to Belize City from our day-cation on the tourist island of San Pedro, on day number two of our trip. We boarded the boat after a long day of shopping and restful antics. We quickly sped off to the destination on an hour and a half trek. Only a few minutes into the trip, Applebum's head slowly began descending towards her vagina. With every bump along the water, her head bobbled up and down like it belonged on some one's dashboard. I believe it was Evangeline who caught every moment of this fabulous event on video which features Shoniqua laughing hysterically in the background and ends with Applebum trying to smack the camera person. How easily entertained I am. Next on the docket was Naomi, who  fell asleep like a true thug with his right hand at his penis and the other holding his papaya shaped head up. If 50 Cent were to ever take Percocet, this is what I imagine it would look like. Jesus has proved to me that I can only laugh at someone else's misfortune for so long until I become victim to the same unfortunate situation only left to laugh at myself to avoid crying. So of course, not too long after witnessing the hilarious antics of my peers passing out, before I knew it, I was out like a light. I do this thing when I fall asleep in public, where I slowly lean like a wilting plant to one side and then the next. At no time do I actually fall into an unsuspecting victim seated next to me. Instead, I simply hover over them, only to return back to neutral seconds later asleep the whole time. Daddy Long Legs informed me that I was had been engaging in that activity for quite some time while on the boat, unbeknownst to me. He reiterated the fact that I came within incredibly close proximity to his right shoulder during my state of slumber but never made contact with his body as he was seated next to me. He told me that he felt the urge to simply grab my watermelon sized head and place on his shoulder shelf as to eliminate the annoyance of my precariously balanced head.

          Thankfully I woke up early enough in the trip to witness one of the most unfortunate and hysterical sleepers of them all. My boss, Queen Jemima had also been visited by the slumber fairy quite early in the trip. I missed the beginnings of this event on account of my sleeping. When I woke, I just saw all of my co-workers flashing pictures with their cell phone cameras. I had no idea what was going on. Was J. Lo on board? They were taking pictures of my boss that were perhaps just as unfortunate as the ones I had been victim to earlier. Queen Jemima somehow fell asleep with her hand sprawled holding her own face up with her elbow pressed into her thigh. This was a sight to behold. With each bump in the sea travel, Queen Jemima bobbed to and fro yet somehow maintained the orientation of her hand and head. She was fully commited to providing the visual requirements for an unfortunate photographic opportunity. I am so glad that so many of my comrads were able to capture a full record of this unfortunate event. Otherwise, I may have never fully seen the fruits of the excursion.

           On the last night in Belize City, I was drunk (as I am every night whether on vacation or not). I was making my last indentation into the large bottle of Caribbean rum I had purchased called KUKNAT. As I took one of my several swigs of the evening, in walked a clown car of peers from my company. Earth Mother, Tuscaloosa, Applebum, and Charlie Brown came waltzing through the door. Naomi and I were just chilling, each with our own beverage of choice at the time. Before I even knew what was happening, half of my co-workers were setting up shop in my hotel room. I offered Earth Mother a drink. When she accepted the offer, I made a conscious choice to prepare her a drink that was comprised of Coconut rum rather than the extra strong potent liquor that Naomi had purchased even though he offered to let her drink it. I'm glad that I experienced my personal moment of sobriety. Otherwise, I never would have toned down Earth Mother's beverage which would have led to international pandemonium on account of her being somewhat of a light weight. After five minutes with my cocktail, I came to find that Earth Mother was feeling quite amazing! I always know when Earth Mother is truly having a good time because she begins to speak at a volume that would cause a person in a coma to wake up. I, in my moment of calculation, made the very decisive of choice on waiting at least twenty minutes before offering a second libation. This meant that I had to pace my  own drink as to not be left out in a state of sobriety. Charlie Brown had one drink and immediately passed out in a seated position on the floor. I wish I could do that. Do you know how much money I would save? Tuscaloosa and Applebum went back to their rooms to get their beauty sleep. This left Earth Mother and I to chat it up at an incredibly ridiculous volume. It's amazing to me how belligerence is so infectious. A good hour into our conversation, we were rudely interrupted by a sound similar to that of a wounded bear. Naomi was snoring, LOUD! Earth Mother and I looked over to see Naomi with only his torso on the bed, legs hanging off toward the floor, arms raised over his head which was tilted to one side and completely knocked out. Passed out doesn't even begin to describe the state that Naomi had drank himself into. Earth Mother and I proceeded to move his lower body onto the bed. I figured that if his upper body had decided that he wanted to sleep, his legs should probably be in on it too. In the shifting and reconfiguring of Naomi's long body, it seemed that his papaya shaped head ended up tilting to the right. This seemed to slightly deafen the sound of his atrocious snoring. Both Earth Mother and I had Jesus to thank.

           After we boarded the plane to return to America, I woke up half way through the flight as a sign from Jesus to go take care of my irritable bowel syndrome. On my way to the restroom, I witnessed my entire company passed out in their seats. As I descended on to the metal toilet bowl I laughed to myself realizing the ridiculousness of the infectious insomnia. During the trip,we all complained about not being able to properly fall asleep in our hotel rooms, yet on any form of transportation not limited to trains, buses, and airplanes we seemed to find it completely reasonable and effortless to just cop a two hour nap. Perhaps we were all just overworked and in desperate need of a good solid five hours of shut eye spanning over the cross of six days during international travel in an environment that did not smell of inticing plantain. After deep reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it matters not where a person ultimately decides to take an involuntary nap. During these times of economic stress, we all need sleep whenever and more importantly wherever we can get it. So if that means that the next time I am on a vacation and I fall asleep on an unsuspecting person's vagina on the train next to me, I will not be ashamed. I apologize in advance to your vagina.


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