Friday, November 11, 2011

Itsby Bitsy Teenie Weenie Leopard Print Mankini (My Trip to Belize)

          Prior to my trip to Belize, I had been quite concerned about being submerged underwater. Unfortunately, I have never learned to swim. In my old age, I have found it quite prudent to place emphasis on my choice of swimwear rather than my lack of aquatic technique. Thus, I took great preparation before my trip to purchase the most scandalous bathing suit possible and shaved "Australia" to fully embrace the idea of my bathing suit. I call it the mankini! On day two, we as a company finally took a trip out towards San Pedro, a tourist location in Belize full of sand and shops. This would be a perfect opportunity for the grand unveiling of my new found purchase.

         The trip to San Pedro began with the gathering of our company at Hotel Mopan and being escorted by Malibu to the Water Taxi. We all boarded a speedboat of sorts. Sandwiched between Pilar and Queen Jemima, I braced myself as the boat began to speed up and slightly lean on an angle towards heaven. The wind brushed my bi-racial face with the most gentle of touch. The sun glistened past the cloudless sky as I enjoyed the delicious view of colored houses and bright green trees all around me. As we ventured further into the Caribbean sea, the view of land continued to become distant on all sides. At one point, I was not able to see any land at all. I tried to suppress the diarrhea. I noticed at one point that there were parts of the sky that were incredibly dark with streams of darkness that descended all the way to the ocean floor. "That's rain", said Pilar. Completely bewildered, I asked her how the Christ she would know that as a Mexican. Supposedly Pilar studied meteorology at Oklahoma University. Mexicans are always full of surprises. We finally made it to our destination in San Pedro. It was almost mankini time!

         There was absolutely no itinerary once we docked in San Pedro. We were basically told that we had 4 hours to do whatever we wanted to before we return back to the water taxi. This was music to my ears! As I looked around the island, I concluded that this wasn't so much a beach but perhaps more of a strip that really lent itself to shopping. So I decided to take the grand tour of all the little nic nac shops on the island. However, the first priority was to prepare myself a libation. Malibu had graciously given me a half bottle of Caribbean rum the night previous. So I had packed the bottle along with some coca cola and a plastic cup. I poured myself a drink and began exploring the island. I came across a tiny little gift shop featuring a myriad of colorful trinkets and doodads. I became distracted while investigating the chocolate bars of soap by a loud squawk. The tiny hairs on my elbows stood on end. I was so excited. I LOVE BIRDS (almost as much as I love manatees). I walked back towards the exit and discoverer the most beautiful amazon parrot I had ever seen! Her name was Survivor because she was the only bird left alive after the tree which her family lived in came crashing down during a storm. She was feasting on grape nuts at the time. The one thing I do know about parrots is to not disturb them while they are eating. I couldn't help myself. I tried to feed her a grape nut. She became quite disinterested! She bit me a little. After about an hour of trying to coheirs her to appreciate my affection she finally gave in and jumped up on my finger. I was overwhelmed with delight! Survivor crawled all the way up my arm and back down again a few times before I finally returned her to the top of the cage. I love birds but I was running out of mankini time and I really needed to move on. I bought the chocolate soap and went on my merry way.

          On my journey through the pathway in San Pedro, I was entertained by the beautiful sights of palm trees, smooth sand, and the blue Caribbean sea. On my third libation I strolled past a coconut tree. There was a small man of Hispanic descent collecting the fallen coconuts. I was immediately intrigued. "How much?' I asked. He paused for a moment. This indicated to me that he perhaps was not selling these coconuts and was taking a moment to jack up some ridiculously absurd price to what he thought was a clueless American. "One dollar...." he said slowly. That was my jam! I was overly excited. "I'll take it!" I said in my moderately inebriated state. Next thing you know, he pulled out this gigantic knife (called a "machete") and proceeded to chop the top off of a very large green coconut. He handed it to me and said "Enjoy!" (of course he couldn't pronounce the "j" on account of him being Hispanic). Let me tell you, the coconut water was TO THE TOP! I was so excited. This was exactly what I needed to mix with my Caribbean rum. I took a few sips of the deliciously fresh coconut water and then proceeded to pour a generous amount of rum in the space I had created in the coconut. It was perfect! No one would suspect that the beverage that I was drinking directly from the coconut was of the adult variety.

        I continued skipping along the road passing by cyclists of various ethnic varieties and a plethora of abandoned coconuts. I finally came across an area which actually resembled a beach that might possibly have mankini potential. In the distance, I saw a group of chocolate people who seemed to be of the American variety. As I wandered closer towards them, I realized that they were indeed my co-workers. Specifically it was B-More, Tuscaloosa, Charlie Brown, Daddy Long Legs, and Banana Tree. They were each donning their swimsuit of choice, basking in the sun and frolicking in the water. They were performing a photo shoot of sorts. Tuscaloosa, as per usual, was sporting some type of Destiny's Child, Survivor video pose for the camera. He was wearing a blue speedo (big surprise). When it was Banana Tree's turn to have his photo taken, he took a slightly more subtle approach looking like a Caribbean thug in red short shorts and dark sunglasses; very much an 80s throwback. B More had  a pink bikini with polka dots. Her swimsuit was so itty bitty that her vagina almost made a run for it. Charlie Brown had a tight little black speedo which could barely maintain Africa (and by "Africa" I mean his galaxy sized tukkus). Daddy Long Legs took the patriotic approach with a red, white, and blue pair of board shorts. I was mildly disappointed in his conservative choice, mostly because it would make me look like a real slut in the dental floss I was about to put on. I placed my bag (containing my rum) down on a little bench where my co-workers belongings were. I slowly took my layers off revealing my leopard print bikini. Now, when I bought the swimsuit in the store it was teenie tiny. But when I put it back on at that moment in public, it appeared to have shrunk to the size of Melba toast. I could barely fit my Canadian treasures inside of this swimsuit. Nonetheless, I was stuck with my mankini as my only fashion option in that moment. I sucked it up (literally) and slowly waltzed my way towards my friends. I had to move very slowly to ensure that my testicles didn't jump out of my swimsuit, so I settled on a slow strut as my walk of choice. I took my coconut filled with rum with me for moral support. So there I stood in front of my co-workers, practically naked with nothing but a leopard print bikini that was riding up my ass and a coconut. I decided that jumping into the water would probably be the best choice. I joined in the group effort of the photo shoot. At one point I felt something tugging on my bikini strings. It turned out to be Daddy Long Legs who noticed that my swimsuit had began a slow descent and was trying to prevent the possibility of my genitalia making an escape by pulling up my bathing suit for me. I always appreciate loyal friends. As we continued taking pictures, I tried to stay conscious of the fact that I was barely managing to stay inside the smallest bathing suit known to man so I decided to make sure I did a little bevel to the side to slightly conceal the inappropriateness of my fashion choice. Surely had Queen Jemima seen this monstrosity, she would have demanded that I put clothes on. Now I  know how Britney Spears once felt. After endless photographs had been shot, I decided that I had had enough. Considering the fact that my bathing suit was technically underwear, I only realized once getting out of the water that clearly this outfit was not made for any type of aquatic endeavour. There I was, literally holding up my own genitalia with one hand and holding my coconut with the other, running towards my bag which contained the three things I desperately needed at that moment: a towel, a change of clothes, and hard liquor. The fact that I had made it through that ordeal without flashing a single testicle still remains a mystery to me.

        Ultimately I would like to make it through life with joy in my heart. Whether that happens with or without a leopard bikini riding between my bum cheeks is for Jesus to decide. I do not regret the fact that I chose dental floss as swimwear. It's important to try everything once. What I do know is that coconuts are an amazing disguise for alcoholic beverages. The combination of the Caribbean Sea and the copious libations, I felt completely liberated in my lack of clothing. To be clear, there will not be a repeat of this on American soil (at least not until coconuts start falling from pine trees, and there's a Mexican with a machete nearby). So this memory will continue to permeate in my mind and bring to my heart. I have B-More to thank for posting the pictures of my mankini on Facebook. Now, my friends and family all across the world can enjoy the images of an innocent bi-racial Canadian looking like a Central American prostitute.


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