Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sky Mall #2 (My Trip to Belize)

         Flying has always been an over dramatic ordeal. Since my first flight at 4 years old from Vancouver to Toronto when I jumped out of my seat and like a bull in a China shop I darted down the aisle and managed to knock over a flight attendant, I have never been the same. As I've become older I have resisted the temptation to wrestle strangers to the floor, yet the feeling of being overwhelmingly uncomfortable and concerned for my safety has not subsided. Thankfully, I have found a way to successfully cope with these feelings: alcohol. I discovered that drinking alone can simply resolve most of my problems. What I didn't realize is that in the case of flying, there are alternate remedies that when combined with alcohol not only make flying more tolerable but actually enjoyable. This little beacon of light is a little something called Sky Mall! This ridiculous in flight magazine takes advantage of the alcoholics on board. In their state of inebriation this magazine caters towards a flyer's every ridiculous need. The products are absolutely absurd. Once I've had a few drinks, Sky Mall becomes the most entertaining thing since Bananas in Pajamas. On my latest trip to Belize, Sky Mall absolutely delivered the goods! Here are some examples of the products sold in the latest issue of American Airlines' Sky Mall magazine!

The Slanket (Camouflage for Men)

"Stay cozy and keep your hands free in 13'' wide sleeves" says the advertisement. Yeah, stay cozy and SINGLE for the rest of your bloody life! What the hell is this abomination? This is the most atrocious article of clothing (if I can even call it that) that I have ever seen! The saddest part is that this also comes in a Siamese version where two people fit into one slanket! I immediately lunged for the sick bag located in the seat in front of me when I saw this monstrosity.
Hanukkah Tree Topper

This is "a must have for interfaith marriages". This is of course a Jewish star cleverly designed to fit a top of a Christmas tree. It is also referred to as a "Menorahment". Need I say more?

Video Pen

Ray J did just fine with a regular camera. There is clearly no need for this ridiculous "invention". The era of James bond is over and so is involuntary pornography!

The Original Crispy Bowl

This ingenious contraption separates the milk from the cereal so that each bite is deliciously crisp. Unless it takes you 5 days to finish your breakfast, I would suggest you save your $19.99 and just eat your Cinnamon Toast Crunch at an expedient pace.

Personal Oxygen Bar

An epidemic of oxygen deficiency has swept the nation. With the rejuvenating oxygen bar with turbo air flow, you can enjoy breathing clean, fresh, oxygen-enriched air anytime! The device also comes with a built in tranquil sounds music player! Yours for $499.99!

Flair Hair Visor

Men of the world, PLEASE just give in and sport the Sinead O'Conner look for the second half of your life span rather than wearing some ridiculous looking porcupine attached to a visor on top of your withering head! The ad instructs those who purchase the item to machine wash; air dry. Oy vey!

Fashion Boot Stand

At first glance, I thought this was the latest sexual device invented for women with Grand Canyon sized vaginas. I have come to find out that these phallic looking stuffed animals are made to be inserted into your boot to maintain the integrity of its shape. "Ends are angled for simple insertion" says the advertisement which lead me back to my original idea about the sexual possibilities of this product. Available in six colors.

Litter Robot Bubble Unit

This is a self cleaning litter box that activates 7 minutes after the feline leaves the contraption (using laser sensors). The machine sucks the waste through the debris into a hidden drawer leaving the "globe" fresh and clean. Just pray that poor Ms. Fluffy doesn't re-enter the box during a false alarm and accidentally gets sucked into the litter box, never to return!  May I also mention the fact that the feline in the advertisement appears to be quite bewildered by the fact that she is about to be launched into space. Yours for $359.99 (+$15 S&H)

Toilet Dog and Cat Waterbowl

"A hilarious conversation starter and pet pleaser". Really? I don't think it will be funny when your dumbass dog or cat becomes completely confused as to whether or not he/she is supposed to be drinking out of the toilet. You are just asking for trouble with this hideous idea of an inside joke!

The Upside Down Prelit Noble Fir Christmas Tree

The advertisement claims that a tree in its upside down orientation displays ornaments more visibly. I wasn't able to read any further into the ad on account of my crying and involuntarily shaking while laughing hysterically. Could you imagine having that in your house while people are over? My Grandmother would punch me in the face if I had that on display.

The Marshmallow Shooter
This device holds 25 edible marshmallows at a time. I am certain that I would need a minimum of ten shots of Goldschlager before I would ever find this contraption amusing.

The Bling String Hair Accessories

Two words: GHE-TTO!

Kenzie Covers

Show your patriotism and defend against potentially deadly gases at the same time! There's nothing that says "I love America!" more than sporting the nation's flag on your hazard mask while visiting a relative with a contagious disease or painting an accent wall.

Cast Iron Giraffe Paper Holder

I must confess that I would be the fool that would buy something this ridiculous.

Sock Monkey Hat and Mittens

The happy expression on this woman's face brings me great concern. Unless she's getting royalties for this bullshit, she has no reason to be smiling! And may I just ask, why in the Hell would anybody where this shit? Marijuana must be involved.

Dress Up Squirrel Magnets

$9.95 gets you one small squirrel figurine with a magnet on its ass for refrigerator attachment and 5 additional outfits representing different time periods. Should I ever become senile enough to purchase something like this, please put me in a rest home and buy me an endless supply of Grey Goose and a puppy.

         Ultimately I didn't end up buying any of these useless products. Yet, even without a purchase, each item brought me so much joy to my heart! I knew that Young Diva was off in another section of the plane cackling along with me. She has been enjoying Sky Mall magazine longer than I. What amazes me is that there are people who will actually buy such atrocious contraptions. I've decided that I need to invent men's undergarments with a special attachment cleans, skins, and de-bones saltwater fish. Clearly it would make a killing in the next addition of Sky Mall magazine! I landed in Belize with a smile on my face. Although I did slightly regret not buying the toilet paper holding giraffe.

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