Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Atrocious Ethnic Head Accessories

         I'm going to kill Kate Middleton. As much as I thoroughly enjoy Caucasian Brunettes with big faces, this little bitch is really pushing it! She has perpetuated one of the worst fashion choices to ever come out of England! Of course I am talking about the most hideous invention from mankind, the FASCINATOR! If for some reason you are currently living under a rock or in Geri Haliwell's house, please let me inform you of what the fascinator is. The fascinator is a ridiculous headdress or "hat" (this term must be used loosely) that is attached to the side of one's head using several bobby pins and what I would assume would be re-enforced with Krazy Glue! It's a pile of bullshit if you ask me. Here's why!

           First of all, am I the only person to notice that Black people have been doing this for decades? I mean seriously! I've been to plenty a Negro establishment where I have witnessed literally thousands of colored men donning "NY" hats encrusted with glitter perched upon the side of their adorable little heads. At first when I saw this, I thought this feat was impossible. Black people can literally defy gravity! Before living in New York City I have never known any race to magically attach headgear to the side of their faces. Leave it to African Americans to champion this nearly impossible and incredibly advantageous task. I remained confused for several months when first coming aware of the hat glued on the side of the head. I tried it once (at home by myself of course). The only way I was able to accomplish the possibility of wearing a hat on the side of my head was if I tipped my head to the side and balanced the hat precariously on top of my eardrum. Where's an IPhone camera when you need one?

           Seeing Black people with hats sitting on the side of one's head was not the first time I came in contact with controversial head attire. I was merely the tender age of 12 when I first encountered a turban. I saw what appeared to be a gargantuan amount of toilet paper wrapped around my lovely friend's head whom I will refer to as Vishna Gupta whom bears a striking resemblance to the ENTIRE cast of Slumdog Millionaire. Vishna was a very good friend of mine all throughout high school. As I'm sure you've already guessed, Vishna is from India. She moved to Canada as a child and slowly assimilated to North American culture. Yet, Vishna never gave up going to Sikh temple. There really was no need on account of Canada being infested with every religious temple imaginable! My country is WAY too accommodating! In any event, Vishna held on to many of her cultural and religious traditions. She never cut her hair, carried with her a sacred knife at all times, and yes, wore a turban larger than a Mexican tombstone (By the way, the reason why that joke is funny was because Mexicans are known to have SEVERAL names such as "Hi my name is Juan Carlos Bodega Cilantro Ricky Martin!). Vishna's turban was so big, I often wondered if I could hide an Asian baby in there and smuggle it into the States one day, when I ultimately decided to move to New York City. I figured I could pay Vishna some money to carry the baby which would ultimately end up being my full time slave. SCORE! Unfortunately, that fantasy never manifested itself into reality. A bi-racial
Canadian can always dream.....
           The last form of unfortunate skull wear is probably the most urban. You all know it well, the DU-RAG! I'm not exactly sure what would possess a young African-American man to squeeze panty hose over his head but God bless 'em! My first question is "What does a du-rag do?". I mean really. Supposedly it can help to keep your hair from  being messed up but what's the point if you're going to walk around with cheese cloth stretched over your head in the middle of the afternoon looking crazy. Unless you're working in a soup kitchen, I don't need to see that craziness! I really don't! If I went home and wore something like that my Grandmother would throw me off the porch! She would probably keep the du-rag for herself though, her nylons run often; I'm sure she wouldn't mind some replacements. The DON'T-RAG is a more appropriate title.

           Ultimately it is up to each individual whether or not he or she wants to wear a ridiculous hat. It truly must feel liberating. I am yet to try any of the atrocious examples I have listed (at least in public anyway). Jesus has fortunately blessed me with a wonderfully symmetrical and charismatically shaped head. Therefore, I boldly flaunt my baldness 24/7 - 365. So screw you Kate Middleton and your Krazy Glue! This bi-racial Canadian doesn't need any of your fascinators! You might as well glue a midget to your head and call that fashion!

               kate middleton fascinator hat. Royal Wedding Hats and

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