Sunday, May 29, 2011

The BrownBerry - My New Cell Phone

           I'm really on the fence when it comes to two main issues: technology and laser hair removal in my nether regions. In both cases, I feel that the ideas are far too new and under-researched, therefore it is impossible to understand the long term effects of either. In the case of technology, I have been generally resistant in all areas possible. I am yet to buy a computer amidst my constant blogging. I, for some reason, take joy in writing my lovely rants in the business center in my apartment building available to all residents. It gives me separation between my relaxation and my time to get down to business. In the case of cell phones, I have unfortunately made an exception. Up until the age of 21, I completely resisted the idea of even being caught dead with one of those awful things. Truly, there's nothing wrong with cell phones but the way in which people use (or abuse) them is absolutely unsightly. It disgusts me to no end to see someone in the middle of a shopping mall yelling at the top of their lungs into their mobile device whilst unintentionally giving anyone in ear shot the full breadth of the conversation he or she is having. How ignorant! What's even worse is being on a date with someone who appears to be on a date with their cell phone instead of you. OY! Can you not wait until you go to the bathroom to check your text messages? Is that not the polite thing to do? I refused to turn into one of those people but alas I was finally sucked in. I had moved to Toronto, I was 21, and I was looking for a job. With no place to call my true home it only made sense to invest in a cell phone in order to be reached by potential employers. I, of course, opted for the free phone when signing up for the service. I stuck with the standard edition flip phone for nearly 3 years until last week when I unfortunately dropped the little bitch on the floor and it broke into a thousand pieces.

         Up until last week, I had enjoyed the simplicity of the flip phone. You know, that's the one where you have to press a number 7 times to get the correct letter for a text message. I know it's a hassel, but I was so proud of myself for being economically sound. In fact, I only paid $25 per month (pay as you go)  for 200 minutes per month and unlimited texting. Considering how briefly I ever speak on the phone, this idea seemed perfect 3 years ago and quite suiting still today. However, with the misfortune of watching my phone shatter into seventy thousand pieces last week told me that I ultimately would have to leave that reality in the past and move on to the future. It was time to purchase a new phone (one that was perhaps of a model created AFTER President Obama's inauguration).

          I went to this very strange place called Verizon. It's a place that tries to sell you pieces of plastic and metal that light up for the bargain price of $500. I wanted to kill myself within 5 minutes of being in that wretched place. I, like a complete idiot, walked into the store with my phone in pieces and said to the consultant, "Can I get my contacts back?". You see, I really didn't (and still don't) care about the gevity of my phone, I just wanted to get all of the phone numbers I had saved back so I wouldn't have to awkwardly Facebook everybody in the entire universe in order to send them a text message. I figured that because the battery of my phone was left in tact (despite the exterior of the phone shattering) that it would be of no or little problem to retrieve my previously saved phone numbers. The gentlemen, whom worked for Verizon, very gingerly explained to me that all phone information is not saved in the battery. In fact, he said that the information "is saved into the phone itself.". I felt very confused by this statement. What do you mean it's IN the phone? How is it IN the phone? This tiny little piece of plastic? All my information is in there? My God! What has happened to the world? The clerk began showing me several versions of different models they offered but it was all too much for me to handle emotionally. The IPhone 4. What is that sack of bullshit? The IPad 2? When did this come out. How does anybody keep up with this nonsense? I couldn't deal with it! I ran as quickly as I could to the nearest Best Buy to purchase the most trusted product that I had used previously and tirelessly, a Virgin Mobile cell phone!

          The reason why I have always been with Virgin Mobile is two fold. First of all, they offer fabulous Pay as You Go plans which for a person of few spoken words like myself is perfect. Secondly, Virgin Mobile is only offered in large department stores who do not specialize in selling their own brand (such as Verizon or AT&T) which basically means that I can enter the store hassel free and browse without feeling like I'm being gangbanged by customer service representatives. I arrived at Best Buy and immediately found the very tiny Virgin Mobile section and began to look for, of course, the cheapest phone possible. I figured that it would be practical to simply replace the one that I had previously which only cost me $10 when I first purchased it. As I scanned down the shelves, I was unable to find my phone. Where are you my cheap ass phone? Are you hiding with Osama Bin Laden? (Oh Wait! He's been found)! My God, where are you? After several minutes pacing back and forth I was completely in failure in retrieving and/or replacing my mobile device. What is a girl to do?

         At this point I realized that this was simply a message from Jesus explaining to me that it was high time that I replace my cellular piece of shit with an upgraded variety mobile device. I had to accept the fact that I was both emotionally and physically prepared to take on the responsibility of a phone that didn't require a 30 minute time span set aside to send a simple text message. I accepted my challenge with vigor, curiosity, and courage. As I scanned the possibilities, I found myself coming back to a particular beacon of glittery technology in the form of the LG Rumor Touch! The name itself was just so enticing and deliciously scandalous! The Rumor Touch! Sounds like the title of a pornographic film of the lesbian variety! How fantastic! This phone was truly amazing as I analyzed the tester on display. Apparently with this phone you don't even need a keypad you just simply touch (or lick) the screen and it responds accordingly. This was absolutely insane! You can even talk to the little bitch and it listens to you! It's this very bizarre invention called "Voice Dialing". Who knew? You can even connect to MySpace, YourSpace, MyBook, and YourFace, all within the click of a button (actually not a button just a press of your own finger on the screen). After all of this information I could barely hold in my excitement. I had to buy this delicious piece of cyberspace. There was no choice!

            One hundred dollars! Are you kidding me? Are you telling me that previously with my bullshit do-for-nothing phone that costs a mere $10 that you are now requiring me to upgrade with ten times the price in order to appreciate a little Facebook? What a ripoff! I was so pissed. I was ready to punch myself in the taint until I realized that there truly was no other option. Lest I forget that the $10 phone for some reason is completely unavailable and thus I would have to upgrade no matter what. Sure I could've purchased something a little less expensive but the fact is I wouldn't have enjoyed it. No matter what, I was going to have to fork out more money than I wanted to if I was going to have a working phone again, period! So it made sense to might as well go with a device that actually gave me a little excitement in my tuckus. You know what I'm saying? So ultimately I bought the little LG Rumor Touch the L Word Sequel 2 3G Videphone bullshit drama for one hundred dollars. I truly cringed as I swiped my card. (I cried a little...)

              Ultimately, what is a bi-racial Canadian to do when he or she unintentionally breaks his perfectly good 3 year old phone on the sidewalk after a night of drunken behaviour. Supposedly, all that is left to his or her decision making is whether to splurge a little or a  lot. I chose the latter. And I am as happy as shit about it. Although it took me what felt like decades to actually fully understand the concept of touching my screen to get results, what I ultimately have ended up with is an incredibly convenient, deliciously efficient, and undeniably sleek piece of electronic plastic that services my every need (except for my need to have several Asian babies around me at one time, screw you Angelina!). Since getting my new phone I have become obsessed, confused, and completely drunk with power. Every minute of my day is taken up with fidgeting with my new phone trying to discover every idiosyncrasy possible! I have come to find that I have turned into the technological whore that I have always despised. I have turned to the dark side. I must say it is totally worth it only for the fact that I have just figured out how to change the coloring on my phone so that pictures I take of my naked body will appear more golden. Thank Jesus for technology!

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